>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
November 6, 2003

Sweet Jesus are you guys in for a treat this week. I'm not even sure what's funnier: the article, or my comments. That was me being sarcastic. My comments are infinitely funnier, but the article itself is much funnier then regular news articles. So you are going to get twice the bang for just as much buck.

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Monkeys Terrorize India Workers, Tourists

By ANDREW WANG, Associated Press Writer

NEW DELHI – In a capital city where cows roam the streets and elephants plod along in the bus lanes, it's no surprise to find government buildings overrun with monkeys.

That's funny, I was just in Sacramento and found cows, and elephants roaming, yet no monkeys. Riddle me THAT Andrew Wang. If that is your real Wang.

But the officials who work there are fed up. They've been bitten, robbed and otherwise tormented by monkeys that ransack files, bring down power lines, screech at visitors and bang on office windows.

I'm sorry, did I just read that monkeys were ROBBING officials who work in the capital city? I did? Yesssss! My reading comprehension threshold is rising!

The Supreme Court has stepped in, decreeing that New Delhi should be a monkey-free city after citizens filed a lawsuit demanding protection from the animals.

Yah I've been waiting for New York to be a monkey-free city as well, but Patrick Ewing just WON'T LEAVE! (Note: I'm not racist, he simply resembles an adult malegorilla.)

Easier said than done. A past initiative to scare off the army of Rhesus macaques with ultrahigh frequency loudspeakers didn't work. A plan to deport them to distant regions has stalled because local governments refused to have them.

In a related story, “Curious George and his Clones Ransack India” has now topped the bestseller list on Amazon Bombay.

There's an ape patrol of fierce-looking primates called langurs, led about on leashes by keepers. But whenever a langur looms, the pink-faced, two-foot-tall hooligans simply move elsewhere on government grounds.

Holy crap I didn't understand that sentence at all. Did you say langur looms the pink faced two foot tall hooligans!? Oh, okay I get it. *Nervous laughter*

“Please do not feed the monkeys,” implores a sign at Raisina Hill, the complex of colonnaded buildings that includes the president's residence, Parliament, and Cabinet offices.

That sign isn't only true, it's simply ironic. It's like if an entire city was infested with bees and some guy walked outside and put a sign up that read “Please do not feed the monkeys.” Also, I don't know what a metaphor is.

To no avail. Hindus believe that monkeys are manifestations of the monkey god, Hanuman, and worshippers come to Raisina Hill every Tuesday handing out bananas.

I can't believe a country of people like that exist while I am technologically advanced enough to post digital text on a website for other humans to read.

Last year the monkeys made their presence felt by hanging from window ledges and screeching at reporters arriving for a news conference with visiting U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

I said it before and I'll say it again: monkeys hate Rumsfeld.

“It's a big problem, especially in the evening,” says Defense Ministry spokesman Amitabha Chakrabarti. Monkeys break into offices at night and paw through the files looking for food, he said. “Those who work late hours have to be careful when it is dark.”

At which point will I abandon making serious jokes about this article and just say, “Jesus Christ this is like some sick, sick joke!” Hint: I'm getting closer to that point.

In the latest effort, a monkey relocation initiative, 400 monkeys have been caught at Raisina Hill in the past year and moved to a holding area on the outskirts of New Delhi to await their return to forests in neighboring states, said Madan Thapliyal, a municipality spokesman.

Oh wow, actually capturing the monkeys works? I thought we should just keep using ULTRA HIGH FREQUENCY SOUNDS!!!!

But governments of those states have so far refused to take the furry exiles, saying they have more than enough of their own.

Wow, I wonder why it's so hard to get rid of monkeys in India. Maybe it's because other cities can read articles like this one and realize monkeys aren't as cute as we make them out to be.

Maneka Gandhi, daughter-in-law of the late Indian leader Indira Gandhi and an independent lawmaker in the lower house of India's Parliament, believes the monkeys should be left in peace.

Maneka Gandhi, with all due respect, is obviously a faggot.

Gandhi, an animal rights advocate, has already managed to halt a New Delhi program to spay and neuter stray dogs, saying it was cruel.

Gandhi does this, and Gandhi does that. When will my uppance COME!?

She claims that captured macaques, despite their holiness to Hindus, have been given to laboratories for experimentation or have died in their holding area cages. They were “relocated to monkey heaven,” she said.

Awwwwwwww….relocated to monkey HEAVEN!! And that paste of fur and flesh is just monkey soup? Are these just monkey genitalia I'm using as an EXFOLIATING SOAP?!

Atul K. Gupta, of the Wildlife Institute of India, says macaques belong in forests, but deforestation and human settlement are driving them into cities in search of food.

While Atul K. Gupta makes a good point, one can rearrange the letters in his name to read: “Pagu T. Tulka” Which is Hindu, for…Atul…K…Gupta…murmur.

Macaques are crafty pickpockets, know how to open refrigerators, and brazenly snatch lunch pails from government workers, he said. “They have learned the tricks of finding food in an urban environment.”

If a monkey is smart enough to open refrigerators and snatch lunch pails, I say WELCOME TO THE HUMAN RACE MY FURRY FRIEND! YOU BELONG, YOU BELONG!! (I've met people who still try to open refrigerators with their fist and skull.)

The answer, he said, is to save the forests. Otherwise, he says, “the problem will get worse.”

I for one am looking forward to this problem getting worse. In fact, I hope monkey's take over, learn how to speak in a British accent, and smoke cigars! BECAUSE THAT'S A PET MONKEY I CAN BE ONBOARD WITH!