>>> The Hard Way
By staff writer Mike Faerber
April 10, 2005

I imagine that from the title alone, about a third of you out there started salivating. I must be fair, however, and inform you right from the start that although my columns are indeed intended to be laced with heavy innuendo, this one is not talking about sex. The other options at my disposal were to let you read through the entire thing with hormones raging, having you declare it the most invigorating humor you've ever encountered. That or have a huge HARD WAY orgy with all my fans…which of course would be the topic for next week's column.

Unfortunately, this column is about staying up all night to study. And no I'm not talking the “studying” you did with Michelle back in high school. Not that you fooled around (Michelle was chubby), but this is a whole new realm of study. And now we must proceed with a completely asexual account of forgoing sleep for the sake of good grades.

Who am I kidding, BRING ON THE PUNS!

But here's where it all went wrong.

Get Tested!

The human body is not well SUITED to going without sleep. Or is it? Nice tie!

Having to pull an all-nighter is most often the result of procrastination or unawareness. Usually some friend will inform you that he cannot play Scrabble tonight because he's studying for a Calc exam. At this point you realize that you're in his class, spell out GODDAMMIT (63 points for the win), and make like a librarian for the books. The other scenario is where you go “Yeah Carl, I know about the test. I'll study when I'm damn well and ready.”

All-nighting usually feels pretty good at first, because it's the only thing that can save your ass. You're in control. YOU DON'T NEED SLEEP. YOU'RE A FRICKIN GOD OR SOMETHING! Except I don't think God drools when he's passed out from exhaustion, jackass. What happened, I was INVINCIBLE! Turns out it was all fake, and don't think others don't know either. Something about you staring at the stop sign for 5 minutes straight gives it away. You may feel alive and rejuvenated, but then how do you explain the bellhop offering to take your bags, FROM UNDER YOUR EYES, up to the 13th floor of the Hotel Sleepytired? Hallucination? Probably a good bet. I suggest you avoid people for a good while. In your state, you're liable to severely freak them out or say something that makes no sense.

Like “Can I sleep with you, please?”

Too Tired to Perform

Oh Men, they fall asleep before the job is even done! AM I RIGHT LADIES! All kidding aside, sometimes you end up blowing the test or paper merely because you're so tired. Especially if you pulled an all-nighter the week before. Oh man are you F*UCKED! It can take as much as a week to get yourself back on a normal sleep schedule.

So say you have a paper due Wednesday, and you stay up all night, you're going to want to catch up on that sleep the following weekend. BUT OH NO! That's the same weekend that Penelope was going to invite you to her party… underwear themed… no other guests. Now you're NOT FUCK*ED! DAMN! That's what we call a paradox, ladies and gentleman. Then you get your test grade back and you BLEW IT! And then you run into Penelope again, and find out she would have BLOWN IT! ARGHH! Your own body is ruining your life. Should have listened to it when it said it was tired.

So fast forward 20 years, when you're balding on your mother's couch in front of the television, and the only woman who ever visits you is the mailman. All because you decided to read a few articles on PIC. Okay maybe I exaggerated.

You might just wake up with a little extra eye crust.

Screwing With Your Mind

When you're tired, even the most basic functions become daunting tasks. Something as simple as keeping your eyes open becomes equivalent to juggling anvils, and that's with full compliance from your mental faculties. The other day in class, as I was dozing off, I tried my hardest to open my eyes and finally succeeded. But then a loud noise awoke me, and I realized that I had only imagined that my eyes were open. So in this state of confusion, here's some tips to stay lucid:

Do not talk to any animals, they will only tell you lies. Inanimate objects on the other hand tend to be very truthful.

Do not kiss anyone. I've seen a lot of movies, it will always end up being your dog.

If you find yourself naked, it's probably a dream, but let's err on the safe side and cover your junk.

Pinch yourself, but before you do, pinch others. Hell, start a huge brawl with everyone around you. This might be your only chance to kick ass and not have consequences.

Do not hold back, clock that girl in the face.

If anything good happens to you, snap out of it, no use getting your hopes up.

Mikey: WOOHOO GODDAMMIT 63 points! Your move, God.
God: Nope, doesn't count.
Mikey: What do you mean?
God: First of all it's two words, and God is a proper noun. Besides, I take offense to that.
Mikey: Jesus Christ, do you have to be so perfect all the time?
Jesus: Don't get me involved in this!
God: All this yelling has made me tired, I need some sleep.