>>> The Hard Way
By staff writer Mike Faerber
February 6, 2005

Any author will tell you that the first rule of writing is “write only what you know.” If you're a 42 year old man, don't write a coming-of-age piece for teenage girls. If you're not an alien mercenary space pilot, don't write a sci-fi novel. If you're illiterate, do not write a story that involves words. Well today, ladies and gentleman, I am going to BREAK THAT RULE!

I'm writing a coming-of-age teen girl drama. Okay not really, but I am going to write about haircuts, and since I clearly do not get my ears lowered that often, I'm treading into unknown territory. Can you feel the excitement build up? That's because we're BREAKING THE RULES BABY!

Let the spontaneity flow! There's no telling which topics I'll cover, but I can almost guarantee I'll make a plethora of errors due to my misguided notions. I will no doubt be offensive, oblivious, and thoughtless when it comes to my use of English prose. Hmm this reminds me a lot of women. New rule: “write (and date) only what you know.” And nobody really knows women except other women, so you know what that means. UH-HUH! (Note: It's okay for me to write about lesbians, I've seen plenty of “preview clips” if you catch my drift.)

But here's where it all went wrong.

The Messy Look

Just because your Barber is able to collect locks of your hair, doesn't mean he should.

Unfortunately the world of hair care is plagued with this male-female dichotomy. You have your girly salons and your manly haircut shacks. The girly salons will feature perms, dyes, highlights, curls, nails, massage, wash, dry, spin cycle, and various hair products. The shacks will feature a TV with football and Bob, who only has one hand. Now you'd think the choice would be obvious. If I go to the manly place I might have to pay three dollars as opposed to thirty. Plus, look at that guy, he's as close to modern day pirate as I'll ever get. THIS IS A HIGH SEAS HAIRCUT ADVENTURE. But there's one thing you're forgetting: the girly salon will give you a GOOD haircut…and a nice facial to boot! Unless you take a picture of Bob and carry it around as explanation for why you have buzz knicks and claw marks on your scalp, it's safer to go to the girly salon.

And who knows you might run into your CRUSH there! TEE-HEE!

The Same Old Look

So hopefully we're not going to Bob's right? Billy, look at me! Right? GOOD. So now let's decide on what style you want. You have no clue, don't worry that's normal. The haircut people have no clue what you're trying to say anyway. They just toss out jargon to muddle you up while they proceed to cut in small baby-step stages. This is because “taking more off is always okay, but putting it back on is the hard part.” That wasn't so much a joke as an actual quote from my barber…every time I go in there. I bet you he still wonders why I don't come in that often. Now what if you DO know what you want your hair to look like. Well you should bring in a picture of a celeb with that hairstyle so that your haircutter will know precisely what you want. NOT Jennifer Aniston though, as a fact all hairdressers' favorite Friends character is Phoebe and they will tear that magazine to shreds. Better yet here's a guide of what to say to get the desired look:

Good terms to throw out – layers, depth, trim, make me look like Satan, date on Saturday, Desperate Housewives.

Bad terms to use – mohawk, comb-over, frosted frat boy spikes, Jesus before the resurrection, ya know my pubic hair is getting really out of hand, can you do something about that?

The Smooth Look

Wait a minute, why are you smirking like that? Oh I see you got the new girl. Still young, kind of cute, eh? Yea this is going to be nice! You're in for one semi-erotic experience. With Mandy running fingers through your hair, making you go up and down in the chair, and blowing on your ear…with the dryer, you're damn justified for having that erection. Everyone knows you have one, so be proud! Why do you think they cover you up in that big sheet. And we haven't even gotten to the hair buzzer. In the right hands it is like a vibrator for your neck. Tingly nerves are driving you crazy. She's totally flirting with me! Then she goes, “Mind if I give you a quick tease?” Calm down sailor, she's just going to tousle your hair a little and then you have to leave. So while you make think it's out of hand to spend 30 bucks on a haircut, it's quite in your favor considering you leave the place with the “effects” of a lap dance, just don't catch it in the door.

Oh and by the way Mandy is a man's name too.

Mandy: So do you know what you want?
Mikey: Yeah I'm really just looking for a trim, maybe give it some depth.
Mandy: Oh right I got ya, just layer it a little?
Mikey: Exactly, just like that, and maybe a date on Saturday?
Mandy: Um, I'm actually a guy.
Mandy: So, have you been watching Desperate Housewives?