>>> The Hard Way
By staff writer Mike Faerber
December 12, 2004

“Learn how to do it right…from the guy who always gets it wrong.”

So it’s been almost a full semester at college. By now you should have things pinned. How much do you need to study? How hard should you try to pick up girls? How many hours of sleep can you lose before deciding to skip your morning class?

Those are the basics, but you should also have an idea about which student clubs and organizations you will stick with. If you went for the “Join everything just to see what it’s like approach” you’re probably people-needy and it’s about time you nail it down to two or three. On the other hand, if you’ve ignored that aspect of college life completely, you should probably look into finding one you like. Because no matter how fucked up your tastes, odds are there is someone on campus that is practically your twin. Then it’s possible you could start your own club, or at the very least make out with that person.

And who’s going to argue with making out twins?

But here’s where it all went wrong.

Getting Some (Affirmative) Action

The most abundant club on campus is of course the minority group club. It can be as simple as Indian Students Association or as ridiculous as Asians in Communications! The bottom line is that sometimes white people share your interests, and kinda ruin the fun. Just add an ethnicity to the title, and they’ll immediately bolt. It also allows you to get really specific and find your true “peeps.” If you do it well, instead of one large club called (YOUR) University, you’ll have thousands upon thousands of groups of one person each.

And then you get to make out with yourself, you Pacific Islander Christian Athlete who loves Video games and Family Guy, YOU.

You Gotta Have Soul

Or at least the fraternities and Christian clubs do. That’s why they recruit like crazy. In fact it’s almost like the two are competing for you in an age-old battle of GOD vs. GREEKS! Christians employ the tactics of guilt pamphlets, pizza and cookies, and Gospel sing-a-long while Greeks stick to the tried and true ass, booze, and foam parties. One can see that the frats are having a hell of a time while JC’s buds want to avoid hell entirely. I would advise you to think twice about joining either group. When the choice is between losing your soul to eternal hell-flame or eternal boredom…flame, your only option is to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself…

What Would Jesus Do…if he was a college student?

Excuse For Abuse

Remember in high school, when every group was obsessed with community service? College is exactly the same, except instead of thinking of others it’s all about drinking with others! Here’s some generic examples:

Spirit Group: Football and Beer!
Fraternity: Living with Guys and Beer!
Sorority: Living with Girls and Wine Coolers!
Activist Group: Politics and Beer
Athletics: Sports BEER, BEER, BEER
Band: Dude, Use Your Trombone as a BEER BONG!
Newspaper: This Just In: BEER!
Film: Let’s make a short about a guy who drinks beer!
Christian Groups: Church Wine
Homosexual Groups: We’re here, we’re queer, let’s have a beer!

So there’s two ways to look at this.

One is: Oh what a shame! These self-destructive students are out of control. Wanton disregard for society and complete lack of self-worth soils the human name!

Another is: A friend is only 12 ounces away.

I hope that you’ve come to decide which student organizations to join/drop. As for me I’m pretty set on the ones I’ve selected. They’re fun, just my type, and focused exactly on the subjects that interest me. Now my only problem is convincing my friends that they’re cool, but they didn’t see things the same way…until I mentioned the drinking.

Prez: Welcome to the First meeting of University Beer Lovers! As you all know we are committed to 2 things. First of all, BEER!
Mike: Woohoo!
Prez: And second community service! Which is why we are arranging a “Kegs 4 Kids” drive.
Mike: Somehow I knew this would happen.