Last month I dropped the ball completely when it came to writing as the unfortunate result of my life falling apart. There were more than a few column posts I wanted to write but I was far too busy dealing with the insane and ridiculous. I've been in complete and utter misery for the past 45 days and counting. Now for those of you who don't live in crazy land, let me break it down for you so you can see what life is like when luck takes a serious downward turn.

March MadnessMarch 2012 was without a doubt one of the worst months in Jessica history, though April 2012 is gunning for the lead. The month started with my wrongful termination from a shitty job because my editor was threatened by my abilities and drive. OK, I've been fired from far too many jobs (as in every one I've ever had) but not because I did too well. Shortly after the wrongful termination from the company which still owes me about $500 (which in unemployment land is about 2,500 real dollars) I was dumped by someone who I thought really didn't suck…. I was wrong yet again. Evidently I was living in an alternate universe since I didn't see either blow coming and both my editor and boyfriend acted like I should have been prepared. Come again?

Rounding out March Madness was a robbery by a tranny. I only add the tranny part to illustrate that she (he?) looked like a pretty girl but with the strength of a man.Following my untimely dismissals from job and relationship, my lights were turned off, my good friend's dad passed away, my grandpa had a mini stroke, and my alcoholic roommate broke my bedroom window and left the glass all over the apartment. Oh right and my internet started going on and off about 10 times a day and still isn't working properly. The cable guy comes weekly and still can't fix the issue. I think at this point Time Warner Cable is trying to see how long this can go on before I go completely insane and check into a "mental services facility" or storm into their offices and wail on someone, anyone really.

Rounding out my March Madness was a robbery by a tranny. I only add the tranny part to illustrate that she (he?) looked like a very pretty girl but had the strength of a man with the pent up anger only 20 years of harassment could cause. Being the 5'2" 110lbs that I am, I didn't stand a chance. Luckily (a term used very loosely here) I am a writer, therefore I didn't have much for her (him?) to take. I'd make the entire post about that interesting event as I now see it as hilarious, but there is an pending investigation and I need to be a witness at a trial so I don't think I can share the deets…. Yet. Stay tuned on that one.

I can however share that Chase bank refuses to reimburse me for the $160 in charges the tranny racked up. Why? Not really sure on that one since there is an investigation by the Manhattan District Attorney on the books, which is in my understanding the very definition of evidence that a crime has occurred and charges should be reversed. Everyone else involved in said incident has been reimbursed… by Chase… but me.

I was convinced that April would be better after the first 10 days went by without incident, internet not included. And then the most ridiculous thing possible happened. Here's the letter I had to send in addition to visiting the local police precinct for the 2nd time in three weeks. Some vital info needed prior to reading: the man below is 50 years old, was a security guard on duty, and was called "one of the nicest people alive" by the store manager when I was escorted back to the store by two of New York's finest.

Walgreens New York CityTo whom this concerns,

Up until 12:45 am on Saturday April 14, 2012 I thought I had seen every display of human stupidity possible. And then I went to Walgreens on 72nd Street and 2nd Avenue. Shocked doesn't cover how I felt… oh no, my reaction resembled an expression one would make seeing a human boy swing his arms and take flight.

Upon arrival, I noticed your creepy security guard staring and following me around the store. Unfortunately for reasons not listed below (though I'm sure you can make an assessment) I think everyone other than myself, blood relatives, and close personal friends are just waiting to pick me up and run away. Since the terror was a familiar feeling, it caused me to forego the ensuing panic of yet another stalker and just get the hell out of there, sans item. After all he is the protector of Walgreens. Surely there was some sort of qualification process necessary to get the security guard job…. Right? Oh just wait.

Let me preface the incident itself with the following information: I'm not sure of the protocol regarding the space between the doors on the sidewalk and those guarding the storefront as I am not a Walgreens employee and do not have access to the handbook, but based on my recent findings, I can conclude that the 5 foot space is not considered part of the store, rendering proper behavior a memory only.

When I entered the doorway, your SECURITY GUARD jumped on top of me, wrapped his arms around my body, tried to kiss me, and grabbed my face. He then told me he hadn't seen me in a while and I was so sexy I should come back all the time. Come again? This was my first time at your store so I'm wondering if he is allowed to look out the glass doors at people passing. If so I smell a lawsuit and have confirmation of my very first actual stalker. Not so great. I have a sister in the area and I'm hoping I don't need to get her a Taser.

Now you can imagine my shock and horror… and this was a SECURITY GUARD. I promise if you don't do something I will be more than happy to meet with the D.A. and press charges against my attacker and all related parties. I have her card and am not afraid to use it.

Jessica Wachtel

I'm still waiting for all those coupons Walgreens should be sending any day now.