Before I begin, let me just say that this post refers to the May edition of The Watchtower… Announcing Jehovah's Kingdom. While I was in the process of writing this, a friend and I decided to pack our bags and run like hell from NYC to LA. I am happy to report that I am no longer miserable. Oh and sorry for the late post.

Jehovah's Witness Watchtower magazine
Uhh, pick the one with the coolest magazine and the black guy who teaches the congregation how to dance, duh.
A few days ago I was killing time as usual when I saw a woman wearing a long black dress standing in the summer heat beside a stack of magazines adorned with a sign bearing my favorite word: "free." As I approached the table (free something…. free something… free something… was racing through my head) I noticed my two favorite topics on the cover of her "magazine": Religion and Politics. So far so good. Upon further investigation, I concluded that the stacks of paper were niche publications of the Jehovah's Witness variety. I knew right then and there that my life was forever changed, albeit not in the way Ms. (Mrs.?) Overheated Member of the Kingdom intended.

Once I was handed my very own copy of what I instantly dubbed "my main entertainment source for the next few days" I turned right around (still don't remember what I was supposed to do that day) and made a beeline home, ready for a good read. Let me tell you something, The Watchtower… Announcing Jehovah's Kingdom did not disappoint (I'm actively seeking the June edition and any advanced copies of July if anyone can hook a sister up). I guess that's why it has the highest circulation of any magazine IN THE WORLD.

I for one am not going to wait to see God throw his hat into the political ring, which seems to be what those witnesses are hoping for. For the sake of time (I could go on about this until the world ends on December 21st) my "reading and comprehending the JW magazine for the modern person workshop" won't cover everything in The Watchtower. I highly suggest you get a copy of your own.

Now I know you're wondering which part of this blasphemy I decided to attack. Drumroll please… the "Should Christians Participate in Politics?" issue!

Considering that this was chapter 1, it's fair to say those JWs don't fuck around, bypassing the fluffy opinion and editor's page and going straight to what you need to do to avoid hell (aka politics). My first thought after reading the question was exactly what any rational person would think: "Hell no," and "I need to find out how to introduce a motion to extend that to all religious fanatics and former Santorum supporters."

Turns out I was shocked to discover that those JWs and this JW are in agreement: NO, Christians should not participate in politics. Come again?

Fast forward a few hours….

After I stopped fanaticizing about a government which didn't force others to adhere to their ideals, I forced myself to continue following the textual breadcrumbs to uncover exactly how the JWs and I came to the same conclusion. Before you wonder if I am now a member of the JWs (cringing), let me be clear on two things.

  1. I think the JWs (and for the sake of full disclosure let me add all other religious fanatics in addition to JWs) are wack-a-doodles.
  2. My reasoning for banning Christians from the polls is quite different (a stalemate if you will) than that of the JWs.

My reasoning (aka rational thinking): Anyone interested in forcing others to live by their fairytales should have their right to opinions stripped away. Period. Sorry. It's not me, it's the Constitution. The two were separated (or so they say). No further explanation needed.

Watchtower reasoning (aka what the…): Those JWs back up their statement by explaining that humans can't govern themselves. Hmmm. Okay but then who would? Oh I see where this is going…. Instantly I was snapped out of my "oh they aren't so out in left field" by way of crazy express, which read like this: "God is the governmental leader."

Oh Lawwwwd.

Yep. I'd love to see that one. I for one am not going to wait to see God throw his hat into the political ring, which seems to be what those witnesses are hoping for.

Although highly unlikely (ahem, absolutely never going to happen), I'm not opposed to a divine intervention. It would make for some interesting TV, and I'd love to see if the Good Lord would sling mud at the other candidates. Also, JWs have a very modest set of beliefs. I wonder if they would run around screaming, "I told you so!" while smiling smugly to themselves and other JWs, or continue going about their sober, birthday-less lives handing out mags and knocking on doors annoying residents at their every whim.

While continuing my exploration into Watchtower, I noticed that there is a whole paragraph dedicated to explaining that the JWs need to follow the laws set forth by the human politicians and always remember to "be good citizens." My secular mind struggled to analyze this giant contradiction, but assumingly this means JWs can't partake in politics and act as the "reps from Godville," but they must do whatever officials they didn't elect say. Hmm. Anyone care to help me out on this one? I really wish I had a TA here.

And finally, I noticed there are no bylines in either informational pamphlet. Since no one wants to be the one admitting they're spewing crazy out into the world, I'd like to know A) if this is a paid gig and B) if they are hiring. Thanks.