I think the biggest mistake most women make is that they make men out to be a lot more complicated than they really are. I could go on about how females over-analyze male behavior and read too much into things, but we all know the clichés. And if I really wanted to phone it in this week, I would've just copy and pasted the script from any Jennifer Aniston movie and put my name on top. My editor wouldn't let me get away with that, however. Something about a lawsuit and plagiarism. I tried to tell him how no one would ever even know it was a Jennifer Aniston movie script because no one actually goes and sees Jennifer Aniston movies, but he still shot it down.

Ashley Garmany puts on a mean faceSo when I realized that I was actually going to have to write something original, I began thinking about men. Can't live with them. Can't get off without them. Well, can, but it's a lot less enjoyable. See, the male gender is very simple: their lives revolve around sex, sleep, food, and sports. They don't spend half their day wondering if a skirt makes their ass look huge. Or agonize if that Facebook status they put up earlier might hurt someone's feelings. For the most part, they just don't give a shit. I envied that quality for a long time before one day I realized, who says I have to give a shit just because I have a set of tits? What if I could somehow incorporate a man's apathy towards the opinion of others with a woman's manipulation techniques, who would I be?

Hilary Clinton.

I can't give you an exact answer, but apparently having a penis gives you a level of confidence that still eludes the fairer gender. At some point in her life, she must've come upon this same realization on how to be a successful woman in a man's world (and let's be honest, it's a man's world).

If a guy thinks there's a chance that you might have sex with him, you can pretty much get him to do just about anything. (Spoiler alert: A guy always thinks there might be a chance you'll have sex with him.) Women need to utilize this power. Stop making men out to be this complete unsolvable mystery.

First off, men think they're hilarious. You see, they're not self-conscious. I know what you're thinking, women, how is it possible to not be self-conscious? I can't give you an exact answer, but apparently having a penis gives you a level of confidence that still eludes the fairer gender. They don't hesitate to hit on a woman at a bar, at a grocery store, at a red light. Do they honestly believe that honking at you from their car while they pass is going to result in something? Yes. They do.

Use this to your advantage, ladies. Let them think they have a chance because the more you do, the more free drinks you're going to get. Yeah, a guy might complain that he spent all that money on you and didn't get back anything in return, but he's the jackass who thought five Miller Lites was gonna get him laid. I will shamelessly flirt with you all night, but it doesn't mean I want to have sex with you. It means I want beer and I don't want to pay for it.

When I stood back and really looked at them, I realized that men are more girly than most women, they just hide it well. No, I don't want to fall asleep on the phone with you every night. No, I don't want to spend every minute of my free time with you. I don't need to know where you are or who you're with every second of the day. I mean, you had a life before me, right? Don't let me stop you from having one now. Every time I start dating a guy, he starts trying to wife me. Whoa buddy, I just asked if this seat was taken.

Ashley Garmany has a food babyWomen are also very careful to give off a certain image of themselves around men. I'm going to be honest with you: when I wake up in the morning, I usually have dried drool crusted to the side of my face and my underwear are lodged up my ass from tossing and turning all night. It takes a lot of work for me to look even slightly decent. Because I put somewhat of an effort into my appearance to avoid having small children point at me and ask, "Mommy, what's that?" I don't find it necessary to go that extra mile and pretend that I'm ladylike. If a guy can burp and make obscene jokes about masturbating to a Miley Cyrus poster, why can't I? …Not that I burp, of course.

Basically, girls, what I'm trying to say is that you need to stop caring so much what people (namely men) think of you. You can hide behind your makeup and designer jeans all you want, but eventually you're going to fart in front of him and all grandeur will be gone. Might as well fart on the first date. If he doesn't stick around, then he wasn't worth it to begin with. Men like to play games, so play them right back. When he uses that ridiculously corny line on you at a bar or says something to the effect of how he rarely ever approaches girls but couldn't help but come up to you (they ALL use this line), let him think you believe it. Then make him buy you a shot, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and repeat the same process with another guy at the opposite side of the bar. Because men are predictable creatures of habit.

We can't pretend that we are more refined or delicate than males, but then complain that we're not treated equally. Wear your heels proudly, but don't be afraid to be that gassy, perverted bitch I know is buried within us all. Ultimately, men and women really aren't that different. And remember, to quote the great Japanese author Taro Gomi, everybody poops.

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