>>> The YouTube Critic
By staff writer Harold Longfellow, Ph.D.

February 26, 2007

used to be respectable. I used to be respected. Look at how things change. The fact that they would actually give you mongoloid beasts encouragement over the filming of your own idiocy shocks and appalls me. Were they desperate to stay in the black? Lazy? I’m afraid that on that matter I remain as ignorant as the rest of you are of how to stand upright and walk on two legs. Nonetheless, here you are laughing at the worst moments of others, yet gleefully happy to tape your own. And here I sit, writing for you. Woe is me—let’s get this over with already.

This week’s theme is “Girl Fight.” You probably won’t even read what I’ve written anyway.

This one’s full of passion—one of them must have wronged the other’s “baby daddy.” Major problems including the fact that the camerawork is, at best, shoddy, and the utter lack of any sort of climax to this brawl will leave it in the wasteland of forgotten films. If the comedy of the cameraman insisting that two small girls not damage his minivan were, in fact, intentional, it could add a new dimension to this film. Let’s be honest, though—none of you people will ever have enough perspective to appreciate how ridiculous you are.

Mark Cubans: 2.5 (of 4)

[Removed from YouTube due to terms of use violation just prior to publication. Hey, we don't censor ourselves so we gotta find someone to do it.]

This film presents itself as a serious criticism of the divisive nature of those on the low end of the socioeconomic spectrum. “Punch her fuckin’ face!” contrasts strongly against the pleas of, “All right, I think that’s enough,” and, “Hey, I got no more memory, dude.” The usage of colloquial language brings validity to this conflict, as the group struggles as a representative of the whole to decide a path for their future. Will violence consume them from within, or will their desire for bloodshed be exhausted like the space on their memory card? As the camera shuts off while the fight still progresses, the audience realizes that this struggle has not yet been decided—it still rages, and this film is a plea for help from those most heavily embroiled in the conflict.

I’m sorry, I probably lost you. One girl punches another girl for awhile. Got it?

Mark Cubans: 3 (of 4)

It depresses me to say that this “Rich Loc” has done the best editing I have seen since beginning this job, but as his is the only editing I have seen, I suppose I have to give him some credit. I inquired to my 14-year-old nephew about the soundtrack, as my knowledge of your ridiculous attempts at music is admittedly limited. Also, my nephew wears one of those “doo-rags” that negroes and gang members love so much, so I assume he is qualified to judge. He gave me his impressions, but it was all slang and colloquialisms with which I am unfamiliar. Nonetheless, he seemed entertained by the movie, so I will just assume that the music was well selected. Unfortunately, in exchange, I agreed to let him “holla out to my boyzzzzzz T-Loc and Jerreezy.” I want to scrub my eyeballs with disinfectant after reading that. I’m going to go cry myself to sleep.

Mark Cubans: 3 (of 4)

Nevermind, it looks like I’m out of Percoset; so much for sleep. I certainly hope all of you out there understand that you are the ones driving me to drug use. There was a point in my career when finding a gem amongst films I was reviewing meant discovering a new director whose work had always been underappreciated but whose style was thoughtful and progressive. Not today—today’s gem is a Miller Lite commercial. Yeah, that says “lite,” not “light.” Makes you wonder if the people at Miller Brewing Company ever managed to pass their fourth grade spelling tests, or if they think so lowly of their own customers that they’re afraid they might not be able to pronounce the letters “ght.” Don’t worry, Miller, I also loathe the people I have to cater to.

Anyway, the film was well made in terms of everything except plot, but if I hadn’t resigned myself to ignoring that major deficiency when I picked this topic, I certainly would have by now.

Again, if all of that looked like it was over your head or was simply more than you are capable of reading in a sitting, this one has girl’s making out. Now you animals will probably use your misshapen cerebellums to masturbate to that video because your usual mating ritual of flinging your own feces at women isn’t working, so I see no point in continuing this article.

Mark Cubans: 4 (of 4)

Now that I’m done, it’s time to sit down to a nice glass of whiskey. Whiskey is a lot like the warm beer that you’re used to, except that you could neither afford nor enjoy it. Try not to choke on your own saliva. That is all.