Every single year I am mercilessly haunted by something that I truly believe is my responsibility to bring to the public's attention. I know it is supposed to be the season of good cheer and happy feelings but it is also a well-known fact that it is the season of telling things exactly how they are. If you don't agree, then next time you're having dinner with your family for Christmas/Hanukkah/Ramadan/Rohatsu/Justshutup/Kwanzaa/Yule/Festivus and you are getting a parental earful about all the stuff you don't really want to hear, simply tell them to go to hell instead of listening.

No, don't want to do that? Okay then hear me out for a second too.

Signs and symbols
Whatever lie you try, you still die.
There is something that has always bothered me about the holidays in general: the sheer arrogance of it all! See, even that sentence in itself is arrogant. Calling it “the holidays,” like there are no other holidays going on throughout the year, is just blatantly invalidating every other holiday. Don't get me wrong, I love this time of year, I just think the season should also call for a modicum of humility, don't you? For the record, yes, I celebrate Christmas for no other reason than out of tradition from having a mother who is Catholic. Although technically I think Halloween is the best holiday ever, I would never write that into a song because I understand that everyone has their own preferences. I would, however, write it into a special Halloween article in a retaliatory way. No, the hypocrisy is not lost on me.

Christian priest in black robeMy biggest gripe about this holiday arrogance is the music of Christmas. Christmas music is one of the worst culprits of pure seasonal boasting and you simply can't seem to escape it no matter what religion you are, because it is playing everywhere regardless. I guess I shouldn't find it that shocking since Christians have always made it a world sport to shove religious arrogance down people's throats. You would think though, that during this time of year, they could just leave the obvious joy surrounding ALL the religions alone, due to good cheer or something, and stop trying to convince me that theirs is the best of all. But no, all the Christmas songs are absolutely bragging about how their major holiday is the greatest with lines like, “It's the most wonderful time of the year!” and “Have a holly jolly Christmas, it's the best time of the year!” Oh really? If it's the most wonderful time of the year then why does it also come with the highest percentages of suicides?

The song that gets to me the most however, is The Little Drummer Boy. Have you ever listened to the song The Little Drummer Boy carefully? You know, the one where the poor kid plays a drum for the new born king, pa rum pum pum pum. Incidentally, how would you like to be the new born king? Geez, and you thought you have parental pressure. At least you don't have to die to fulfill your parents' ridiculous expectations.

Anyway, if you really listen to The Little Drummer Boy song carefully, it is about a poor kid playing a drum for baby Jesus, pa rum pum pum pum. First of all, I would like to point out that the song clearly states that the poor, friendless kid who was spaztically banging on something, did what every socially retarded kid does and said something like, “Hey, we're the same, let's play, pa rum pum pum pum!” So he asked Jesus if he should play his drum for him and Jesus did what any normal kid would do when confronted by a mentally challenged kid: he didn't say squat. He just stared at him oddly. Of course, like any typical mom in that situation, Mary took the liberty of stepping in and nodding for Jesus, thereby trying to teach Jesus some Dad-damn manners.

Jesus loves you, everybody else thinks you're an asshole!If you didn't want to play with some spaz child when you were a kid, everyone knows your parents always made you play with them anyway to be nice and to save face with the other parents. So as the song goes, Jesus then apparently gets all giddy and smiles, at the fact that this poor kid, who had no gifts to bring him, played a drum as best as he could instead, pa rum pum pum pum. I suspect this is where the old adage comes from. “Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're a fucking cheap asshole for not bringing a gift to the party,” or however that saying goes. The kid of course, excitedly claims that his new best friend is smiling at him for playing his drum, pa rum pum pum pum.

I would like to suggest an alternative theory to that rather bold and frankly erroneous conclusion. In the song there is one line that everyone always overlooks: “The ox and lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum.” I think it is pretty blatantly obvious that the arrogant little kid is shamelessly stealing credit for the new born king's smile! Jesus is obviously smiling at the fact that an ox and a lamb can keep time—either that or maybe it was just infantile gas, pa rum pum pum pum.

The ox and lamb kept time... ahh, the good ole days.
That little drummer boy can suck it!
Imagine though, farm animals as metronomes! That must be what Jesus was really smiling at! It's a freakin' Christmas miracle! Any stupid ass kid can pound on a drum, pa rum pum pum pum, but how many farm animals do you know that can keep time?! I, for one, have never seen farm animal metronomes and I even grew up on a farm and played the piano! Okay fine, sure, we have heard of the occasional odd horse that can pound the ground a few times pretending it can count or something, but ACTUALLY keeping time musically? Trust me, that is TRULY unique and impressive. If you were Jesus and therefore appreciative of miracles, would you be more impressed with some party crashing, no gift having, pushy little arrogant spaz kid, pounding on a drum, pa rum pum pum pum, or the four-legged rhythm section in the back, pa rum pum pum pum?!

I think we both know that everyone would be totally excited to see some highly intelligent farm animals laying down some sick beats. Besides, the fact that the ox and the lamb had to keep time for that little punk, pa rum pum pum pum, CLEARLY demonstrates that the kid couldn't play in the first place. The kid should be able to keep his own time because he's a freakin' drummer boy! The whole point of drummer boys throughout history, pa rum pum pum pum, was to keep the pace (or the time) of marching soldiers so they didn't fall out of step. Can you imagine this stupid kid's future as a drummer boy who can't keep time, pa rum pum pum pum?!

Little boy dressed as a shepard
Personally, I think this is one of the greatest Christmas miracles, which that little bastard drummer boy has been just shamelessly reaping the benefits for, pa rum pum pum pum. It may even be one of the biggest religious cover-ups ever, except for that whole immaculate conception bullshit. Without a doubt, it is a religious scandal the likes of which Dan Brown novels are made of, and I would like to shed light on it for the entire world, one person at a time, pa rum pum pum pum.

On a similar note, I have this theory that all the animals have been de-evolving since Jesus's time due to this farm animal miracle stonewalling. In the song “Do You Hear What I Hear” it clearly states that the little lamb spoke to the shepard boy. Imagine that, a talking lamb, it's a freakin' Christmas miracle!

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