By staff writer JD Rebello
August 30, 2006
A few weeks ago, the kind folks at FOX News sent me an email requesting my presence as a guest on the hit cable news show The O'Reilly Factor. I was, naturally, psyched. Imagine the chance to go on television and engage in discourse with one of television's sharpest personalities. As you can imagine, it was quite a shitshow, but in a good way. The episode won't air for a few weeks, but here is an unauthorized transcript of our conversation.
BILL: …And that's why blacks have smaller brains than whites. Those are my Talking Points. Our guest tonight writes a column viewed by literally tens of college students every Wednesday on the Points in Case Web site. He's known by virtually no one as College Humor's Resident Punkass. Welcome to the set, JD Rebello.
JD: Thanks Bill. Good to be here.
“Did I say agenda? I meant hard-on for old antiquated philosophies paid for by wealthy rich industrialists. …I have a speech impediment.”
BILL: Now, I read a few of your columns and of course they were awful. You really represent the downfall of the American educational system. You've taken a few potshots at me, and of course I can take them, I'm used to dealing with left-wing nut jobs.
JD: Well Bill, I'm not really leftist. I'm a moderate.
BILL: But you make fun of me. You're opposed to my show.
JD: Yes, but that's not a political thing. I'm against your show because the show's retarded, and you're a flaming douchebag.
BILL: Typical liberal propaganda.
JD: See, it's not the politics I oppose, it's the methodology behind it. Your show is politics for people who don't know anything about politics. You take obvious stances and instead of allowing for discourse you climb up on a soapbox and attack.
BILL: Oh that's a load of bologna. You hear me? Bologna!
JD: Take your stance on sex offenders. Everyone agrees it's wrong to rape or molest a child, but you suggest stripping them of all basic human rights and if anyone challenges that notion or suggests that child molesters have a mental defect and require psychiatric care, you scream out how they're soft on sex offenders, when clearly that's not what they're saying.
BILL: Okay let me talk now…
JD: No, I'm talking. Go work on your fucking combover you bug! And when you can't make obvious political stances, you take shots at other media outlets like CNN or the New York Times.
BILL: OKAY, Mr. Rebello. Enough. The New York Times is an organization run by terrorists. They are al-Jazeera with a sports section.
JD: Well, I find it hard to believe a major newspaper in our biggest city is a terrorist front but I'll grant you your Bush-fed paranoia. First off, just because the editorial page opposes the president—one by the way, whose popularity rating is on par with Christopher Cross… in fact, I don't know who Christopher Cross is because I wasn't born when he was popular—just because a paper's editorial page opposes the president doesn't make them liberal whackjobs.
BILL: The Times screws with the facts, they are a smear campaign of Dutch werewolves.
JD: So the Times is run by Dutch werewolf Islamic terrorists? Okay. Regardless of what you presume a paper's political agenda is, isn't it irresponsible for one media outlet to attack another? Isn't that clearly establishing one's own agenda and alienating, rather than educating, the viewer?
BILL: Fox News does not have an agenda.
JD: Did I say agenda? I meant hard-on for old antiquated philosophies paid for by wealthy rich industrialists. Forgive me, I have a speech impediment.
BILL: Just what the world needs, another Jewbag Jon Stewart sycophant.
JD: Is that Mad Libs behind the counter? I love how you perceive Jon Stewart as a threat.
BILL: He makes light of the serious nature of our world. He caters to stoned slackers who can inexplicably change the country.
JD: You realize Thomas Paine and Jonathan Swift did essentially the same thing, using satire to promote public change?
BILL: I'm not familiar with those names.
JD: Of course not, because that would require an education predicated on something beyond the King James Bible and Mein Kampf.
BILL: Big words. Liberal-speak.
JD: But it's so obvious conservative right-wingers like yourself are fighting a losing battle, taking shots at Comedy Central shows, and boycotting a country whose most nation-altering export has been the croissant. Instead of allowing for discourse in complex issues, you find angles to assault others and carry on an obvious agenda. I saw a clip on YouTube where you berated the son of a 9/11 victim because he was against the war.
BILL: Obviously you don't watch my show. I'll mail you a copy of ” O'Reilly Factor for Kids” …
JD: Please don't.
BILL: People who are against the war are right on par with the people who hijacked those planes five years ago!
JD: God, I'm going to have to change my mailing address.
BILL: This war is American, if you're against the war you're anti-America!
JD: See? Right there. Of course you can be against the war. Americans were against the Revolutionary War, the Civil War, World Wars I and II, The War starring Elijah Wood and Kevin Costner….
BILL: Yes, and they have a right to speak their peace.
JD: See? You can't just say that. You can't berate someone for their beliefs then say, “Well you have a right to say it.” That's like saying, “I'm not racist, but we should bring back slavery.”
BILL: Moving on, I read in one of your columns you referred to me as a socksniffer.
JD: That was Maddox.
BILL: You're all the same to me. Like the darkies.
JD: Wait, what was that?
BILL: I'm tired of you creatures of the night using the internet as your own cauldron of distrust and deceit.
JD: And by “cauldron of distrust and deceit,” you mean “open forum for ideas and expression”?
BILL: I'm going to send you a Factor t-shirt. What size are you?
JD: Just send a small. I'll use it to wipe up when I'm done jerking off. But let's talk about the left-wing nutjobs, the ones who dare oppose the president in the media.
BILL: Filthy pirate dogs.
JD: What makes Geraldo Rivera any less irresponsible? All he's done with his time at FOX News is exploit the victims of Katrina and proclaim on cable television where our troops in Iraq were hidden.
BILL: Rivera is a saint. He opened Al Capone's vault.
JD: And nothing was inside.
BILL: I don't remember how that ended.
JD: Christ, I was four and I remember what happened. But Rivera is just like any leftist propagandist, trying to evoke public sympathy to further an agenda. In the case of Katrina, he exploited the victims, constantly reminded everyone he was from FOX News, a well-known rightist organization as though that made up for Bush not showing up for almost a week. He represents FOX News helping out in the most shameless way possible, then turns it over to you, also of FOX News, who defends the president. It's like a giant commercial designed to take blame away from the president's negligence of Americans in crisis.
BILL: Bush had to ignore the victims. They were poor and black. They rarely vote, and they shot at helicopters.
JD: One! One person shot at a helicopter. The rest were too busy drowning.
BILL: Wait, didn't you write a column mocking the victims?
JD: I did indeed.
BILL: Well, there you go. Hyopcrite! Scalawag!
JD: Bill, I write for a college humor website that once featured a running column told from the first person of a deer; yourself and Rivera work for a major news organization. Doesn't that make you right-wing nutjobs?
BILL: There is nothing nutjobbish about the right. And we're fair and balanced.
JD: Yes, right-wing nutjobs only blow up abortion clinics and commit hate crimes against homosexuals. My mistake. And stop with the fair and balanced. That’s like Tom Cruise coming up with the slogan “Well-adjusted and not crazy!”
BILL: Here. Take a Factor hat.
JD: No, enough self-promotion. That's another thing. Stop sucking your own dick. You're not Hilary Duff. No kid should have to walk to school with a fucking Bill O'Reilly lunchbox. And any parent who buys their kid your book should be compared to the dad in Frailty.
BILL: Well, what do you suppose they read?
JD: I don't know. Dr. Seuss?
BILL: Bah. Leftist civil war monkey propaganda!
JD: How is Dr. Seuss propaganda?
BILL: Cat in the Hat! Kids make a mess of the house and wait for someone else to clean it. The “kids” are Democrats. The “cat” is President Bush.
JD: Umm, the cat wrecked the house. The kids tried to stop him.
BILL: I can't read.
JD: Big fucking surprise.
BILL: Okay, we're running out of time. I have to go home and drink puppy blood. I'll give you the last word.
BILL: Enough liberal Viking hate! JD Rebello everyone, he has to go home to his carrot juice land and masturbate to Michael Moore's Oscar acceptance speech.
JD: That doesn't even make sense. Carrot juice land?
BILL: Coming up on the Last Word: castrating fags. The liberal media is against it. As usual, soft on the demolition of America's growing open-mindedness. Why one daring bastion of truth, moi, will be the first with garden shears.