>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
August 29, 2004

A lot of people tell me, “Damn Justin, you're one ignorant sonofabitch.” Nicer people tell me, “Damn Justin, how did you get to write for such a badass site?” The answer is twofold. One is blowjobs. Lots and lots of blowjobs.

The second is the ability to write college humor. Not just anyone can sit at a computer and bang out 700-800 words a week. You've really got to know what you're doing. Writing is, after all, an art form—one that must be crafted and honed. Or in my case, spewed. How can you become a brilliant writer like me? Sit down, child, and I'll show you.

Step 1 – Establish a schtick.
What sets you apart from other writers? If you're a minority, you're all set. In fact, if you are a minority, run this into the ground until you completely alienate any viewers who aren't a part of your culture. Just like BET does.

Step 2 – Embellish.
Ever notice that every college humor writer has the greatest party/sex life? Who are these people? I spend my Saturday nights sitting around playing Yahoo! Pool and crying. But people don't want to read that. Here's an example of what you should do: If you have a couple of beers and fell asleep, write that you drank a bottle of tequila and woke up in a small dingy off the coast of Newfoundland. Heh heh, “small dingy”…which brings us to….

Step 3. Be immature.
Recall your 13-year-old mindset. The mystery of boobs, porno, pleasing oneself. These make for great reads, as no one wants to read the intense views of some right wing liberal who doesn't know shit about politics. Like me.

Step 4 – Reference the 90's. A lot.
Do it to an almost uncomfortable degree until you're dropping Blind Melon lyrics. People in college now love the 90's. It's the monthly nostalgia of choice. By the way, for all you incoming freshman, if you really want to ring the dinner bell inviting nubile hotties into your room, simply blast Snow's “Informer.” Seriously, girls go ape over that song. Just trust me on this.

Step 5 – Stay out of a relationship.
And if you must be with someone (shallow fool), don't write about it. Anyone who reads college humor regularly is a single lowlife (admit it), and no one wants to read you rambling on about whatever skank hasn't yet filed a restraining order against you.

Step 6 – Rant on endlessly about nothing.
Like white out. You ever notice that it always takes forever to dry? So you blow on it, but it's still wet? And you always end up with a little bit of white on your finger that you just can't get out? Ever use white out when it gets crusty? And you leave little white rocks all over your paper? And you ever notice….see, shit like that.

Step 7 – Kill jokes.
If something's funny once, bang it into the ground. Beat it down with a board that has a nail protruding from it. Make it bleed. People who read college humor have obscenely short attention spans, and more than likely will find each joke fresh and funny every time. At least, that's how I see it.

Step 8 – Say “fuck” a lot.
Chicks love it, and college students like how rebellious it sounds. Even Rush Limbaugh can't use “fuck.” But when you write for a dinky website that attracts tens of viewers a year, you can say just about anything.

Abortion is funny.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

See, nothing happened—uh, hey, who are you? No—where are you taking me? HELP!!!!


Yeah, Carly Patterson is hot. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that. Oh, and is the mistake “detectiving”? I know you said it wasn't, but are you trying to pull a Family Guy? You know, like when Chris said guess what word I'm thinking of, and it's not kitty, but then it was kitty?

…Just a tremendous Family Guy reference. Bravo. Okay, see you next week. Same bat time. Same bat channel. Same dorky references.