>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
August 15, 2004

I feel like Andy Dufresne, “crawling through a river of shit and coming out clean on the other side.” Make no mistake, 21 is your most important birthday. It's the first great birthday, and the last fun birthday. Every birthday before is just buildup. Every birthday after is a celebration of getting older and getting ready to die (by the way, I'll be appearing at Shady Acres Retirement Home Fridays in September). 21 is freedom. You can drink. Uh, that's it. But you can drink. Not that you haven't been drinking for the better part of the past decade. But now you don't have to wear extra underwear and Right Guard when showing the bouncer your fake ID. It's the little things. Let's face it, being 20 is probably the most emotionally writhing year of your life. Just waiting and waiting, like when your favorite team is only ten minutes from the Super Bowl or you've got a crazy turtlehead that just won't drop and your popping blood vessels trying to push the beast out.

In honor of my 21st birthday and obscene love of self-indulgence, I'm looking back on some of my columns from the past. Some of you may not realize this, but I've been writing for PIC for 21 years now. Surprising, I know, given my age and that my column isn't even a year old. Still, I thought my loyal readership (that gay kid who IMed Mark, notwithstanding) would appreciate a glorious look back at some of my literary accomplishments, or at the very least, some damn fine toilet reading.

10/25/1983 – What is this “Fuck”?
My daddy said a strange word today. My mom was moseying her fat ass around the kitchen and forgot to put seasoning on his steak. He said, “Where the fuck is my steak?” I crawled all over the house looking for the fuck. But I couldn't find it. Maybe all those green bottles around my dad's couch are making him crazy.

7/5/1985 – Back to the Kickass!
Back to the Future is the greatest fucking movie I've ever seen. Of course the only other movie I've seen is Howard the Duck and that stupid Transformers video my mom made me watch while she diddled the milkman. I don't even think we have a milkman, just some Negro who shows up at the house in a white suit. The milkman likes Transformers too, he tells me he just primed my mom's Optimus.

11/11/1986 – Deliver Us Some Evil
My mom's fat again. My dad says I'm going to have a baby brother. If the kid turns out black, I don't think I'll be drinking milk for a while. Let me taste the liquid in my dad's green bottles…. Oooh, I like this.

1/5/1987 – Child of the Corn
I don't like this kid. He's nothing like me, with my big head, the four foot penis. (By the way, I'm at the top of my Sunday school class, go figure.) He cries a lot. I suggested cutting his vocal cords out. I offered to do it with my CutSafe scissors, but mom said I needed a degree in surgery. I'll get that degree. I'll get it good.

7/16/1988 – Am I Gay?
I was dancing around to that song “Juh Juh Juh Jitterbug.” My mom thought it was cute. My dad took me out back and beat me with a shoe. “YOU LIKE WHAM? HERE'S SOME FUCKING WHAM!”

12/31/1989 – The End of the Eighties
What a fun decade. Granted I was wearing diapers and high on acid most of the time, but who wasn't? The nineties are going to be so great.

14/2/1990 – I'm Making Up Months Now
I shall call this Justember.

6/13/1991 – Girls, Girls, Girls
I was at the car wash with my mom and some girl got hosed in a playful manner by her friend. Her T-shirt was wet and her milk canisters were in plain sight. I didn't think much of it but my weewee seemed to take notice. I bet girls are really nice and rational. I hope I can see them as the lovely human beings they are and never dehumanize them to sex objects to suit my low self-esteem.

8/11/1992 – Fuck the Fat Kid
I got beaned by this fat tub of shit at Little League today. I followed him home with my dad who had been drinking. His bike had nothing on my dad's Dodge Ram. I beat the kid to within an inch of his life while my dad screamed incoherent ramblings and threw glass at the curb. Fathers and sons should spend more time together.

2/28/1993 – I Wish I Was Black
My mom and the milkman took me to go see Menace II Society today. I thought it was the shit. All the way home, I was yelling at people: “Y'all best not be steppin' in my mothafuckin block, nigga!” If they ever invent DVDs, I'm gonna buy Menace II Society.

10/9/1994 – My Thoughts On The Lion King
The movie was a giant gay parable. Kid misses his dad, he goes into the
woods, has sex with a warthog, kills his uncle. That's so gay. Where's the lion sex?

6/29/1995 – Elementary School in Retrospect
I was the smartest mothafuckin' nigga in my elementary school. I could color, do 2+2, I didn't shit myself and rub it on my face like some kids. I'm a genius. I love school.

9/4/1996 – School Sucks
Junior high is a crock of shit. Girls are like a foot taller than me. My voice keeps cracking and my sack has some disease where it's always itchy. What the hell is going on?

10/13/1997 – Hanson Rules
I love that new band. The middle one is friggin' hot. I bought a couple of those Teen Bop magazines and jacked off to the spread. She's such a cute…uh, what do you mean “he”? (Cue “Crying Game” shower.)

9/6/1998 – High School is for Assholes
Ok, so I think I figured out high school. If you're an asshole, girls like you. If you wear a jersey, you don't have to know shit. Don't express individual thought. Never say you like anything except for drugs, alcohol, and rims. Pretend you're black at all times. You're only going to be successful if you're an athlete. I figured it all out.

12/31/1999 – Millennium Bullshit
Y2K is going to kill us all, so let me admit a few things. I own the Robbie Williams CD. Star Wars sucked. The Columbine kids were almost certainly gay. The Matrix was confusing and boring. Will Smith is Satan. Lewinsky's kinda cute in a “just drank 23 beers and will fuck anything that moves” sorta way.

11/1/2000 – Election Edition
Reasons to vote for Gore:
*You like libraries, church, and CSPAN.
*You think he invented everything.
*Clinton was dignified, why wouldn't Gore be?

Reasons to vote for Bush:
*You're from Texas and don't want anyone of any intellect in the White House.
*You don't want your leaders to actually lead.
*You like being misled.
*You have a fetish for meaningless wars.
*You don't have the ability of hindsight four years in advance.

9/15/2001 – Things I'm Expecting in College
Girls are going to make a lot more sense. The Red Sox will vanquish the Yankees in the ALCS. I don't need flip-flops in the shower. Laundry will just do itself. The food the dining hall serves during parents weekend is always that good. I will only take classes relevant to my major.

Too happy….to write…..coherently….must type sentence…. so….happy.

9/10/2003 – Conversation with Court (he who runs this site)
COURT: Please write for me.
JUSTIN: What's in it for me?
C: Not a goddamn thing.
J: Clever girl.
C: I'll molest you.
J: If I do or if I don't?
C: Huh?
J: Is you molesting me a perk or a threat?
C: What do you want it to be?
J: Threat.
C: Perk.
J: Sick bastard.
C: Just write for me, what else are you going to do?
J: I'm not a very good writer.
C: So what? I'm getting some Canadian and a kid named Woods, or Forest, or something.
J: What does that mean?
C: You don't have to be a good writer. You don't need to be funny. You don't even need ideas.
J: I'm confused.
C: Imagine an online column that did nothing for the reader. You swore a lot, made blazingly obvious jabs at the most inane aspects of life. You know, a column that was poorly-written, with little or no thought involved, that can be beloved by high school girls and drunk stoners the world over.
J: That's quite a dream.
C: I need you, Justin. I can't do this without you.
J: Ok, COURT. I'll do it. I'll let you molest me.

Happy birthday to me. It's been a fun 21 years. Send some fucking beer!