>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
October 31, 2004

You know that I'm two levels above you baby
Hug me baby, I'ma make you love me baby
Talkin' crazy ain't gonna get you nuthin' but choked
And that jealousy is only gonna leave you broke
So the only thing left now is God for these cats
And BIG you know you too hard for these cats
I'ma win cause I'm too smart for these cats
While they makin' up facts (uhh) you rakin' up plats

-Notorious B.I.G., “Victory”

So guess what I'm writing about this week?

Red Sox, bitch. Red Sox.

First, let me give you an idea of what my last 72 hours have been like. I've got that feeling you get when you turn 21 and you legally buy a beer for the first time. You've waited for so long, and you'd think it would be anticlimactic. You realize it's not. But you're in a daze. That's what this is. A daze. An absolute daze.

Random, incoherent thoughts on the greatest two weeks of my lifetime:

*Game 5 of the ALCS easily ranks as the most nerve-wracking game of my life. Even more intense than both Pats Super Bowls and last year's ALCS Game 7. It was like a 5-hour heart attack. Every time Sheff, Jeter, or the Ugly Asian stepped up to bat, I had a mild embolism. I could have eaten a huge cut of red meat and washed it down with a 40 of OE and that would have been healthier.

“Tim McCarver is the biggest douchebag. I'm amazed he can talk with Derek Jeter's scrotum in his mouth the entire broadcast. “

*Schilling. I mean, what more can you say? I realize the media has gone into overkill mode with this, but my god. This guy's unbelievable. I consider him more of a hero than the police, fire department, and US Army combined. (Okay, here we go. Can we stop this incessant gushing of these three groups? We can all agree they are great for what they do, but why the endless ball-washing? Especially with the cops? Who the hell likes cops? I'm just saying, that's all.)

*I'm going as AROD for Halloween. All I need is a Yankees' uniform which they sell at EXPRESS WOMEN, a purse, and purple lipstick. Side note: AROD's expecting his first child in November. Wow, Jeter looks pretty good for being that pregnant, wouldn't you say?

*And for a little more on AROD, was not his little slap the most metrosexual play you've ever seen? He might as well have given Mientkeivjdjfwal a manicure after the play.

*I really feel bad for Yankees fans. Those umps in Game 6 were awful, making the correct calls like that. I mean, you're the Yankees, you should get everything your way. It's not pathetic at all that half the NYPD Swat Team had to line the first and third base lines. Not only that, but the Yankees cost $180 million. You deserve the World Series. Championships should be paid for, not earned. Makes me sick.

*I pray to God the Sox don't resign Derek Lowe. I can't deal with another season of him. He's like manic depression in cleats. He's great. He sucks. He's great. He sucks. I would kill for just one season of games where every start has a line that looks like this: 6 IP, 4 ER, 4K, 4 BB. That's not even that good of a line. But I'd take mediocre over the mood swings.

*Apparently the Yankees are looking to sign the Devil Himself #66 for 5 years/103 million. You heard it here first.

*You might have noticed I didn't mention the Cardinals yet. Umm. Yeah. They were, umm, a tough opponent, I guess. I've had it with all the “Look how nice Cardinals fans are!” news reports. Shut the fuck up. You know the Cardinals are a nondescript team when fans dominate the news coverage.

*If Carlos Beltran becomes a Yankee, I'll literally cry. He was the hero of my fantasy team and to see him in pinstripes would kill me. By the way, here's a fantasy tip: Get into a fantasy league with all Red Sox fans and you'll get a crazy bargain on AROD. No one's drafting that fucker. Shit, I wouldn't.

*Tim McCarver is the biggest douchebag. I'm amazed he can talk with Derek Jeter's scrotum in his mouth the entire broadcast. Jeter could take a dump on the pitcher's mound, and McCarver would be like: “Look at those ass flaps opening up, that's so loose. He's such a gifted athlete.” And what in the fuchsia fuck happened to Al Leiter? He was TREMENDOUS in the ALCS, endlessly proving McCarver wrong, then the World Series comes along and no Leiter. Leiter's going to turn up dead in a lake in Buffalo at some point over the winter. Fuck Tim McCarver.

*Nobody watch HOUSE MD. We need to stop the Fox promo machine.

*This has nothing to do with anything, but why don't people say “phat” anymore? For like a 5-year span, everyone said “phat” all the time. All of a sudden, people don't say it anymore. And I still do. What the hell?

*My dad just called. Apparently the Yankees want to trade him Kevin Brown for me and a Rebello to be named later. And the Yankees said they would eat most of the salary. Wow. They are hurting for pitching.

*Terry Francona is so so so so stupid. I will not argue. Listening to him talk, you're just like, “Jesus tap-dancing Christ this is one stupid fuck!” And he just out coached Joe Torre and Tony LaRussa. Go figure.

*Now the Yankees want me and my dog for Kevin Brown. My dad offered me and a box of Pop-Tarts. My dad's wicked shrewd.

*I'm not kidding, if you watch HOUSE, I'll kill your parents.

*Dan Shaughnessy looked horrified as the Sox were putting the game (and the Series) away. I think all sports writers in Boston were. This was their thing. Now nothing differentiates them from those guys on “Around the Horn” who haven't showered in weeks.

*For the record, I never believed in the Curse. But during the playoffs, I never put up an away message about the Red Sox, always combed my hair a certain way, wore the same brown shoes to work after not having worn them since my senior year in high school, stopped wearing my Sox hat to work, and changed body washes. But I didn't believe in the Curse.

*I flat out refuse to go see that new Jimmy Fallon movie about the Red Sox. As the Sox were celebrating, he ran out on to the field with Drew Barrymore to film an impromptu ending. During the Celebration! Who does that? I used to like Fallon, too. That sickened me. (Yeah, I'm interested to see how long I can put off a Farrelly Bros movie about the Red Sox, too.)

*What the hell was that douche from Creed doing singing God Bless America? I mean, it was like they were trying to get the worst possible singers to perform. Apparently, they had Clay Aiken for Game 5, Macy Gray for Game 6, and a fat woman scratching a blackboard for Game 7. Thank God the Sox swept.

*Wow. The trade went through. I'm part of a three way trade. The Yankees send my dad Kevin Brown for me and my dog. The Florida Marlins traded a leather shoe for me. My dog is being paid $12.5 mil (her curve is nasty). My dad said the leather shoe will really help him around the house. So I guess everybody wins. Except for me. Now I'm stuck playing for the Marlins. For next to nothing, and the Marlins are eating the leather shoe's salary. Maybe I'll just become a free agent.

*And finally, next year we can retire the insecure “YANKEES SUCK!” chant and replace it with “YEAR TWO THOUSAND,” a sort of kick in the balls to all those Yankee fan idiots who screamed “1918” for so long. What a great season. I've been waiting all my life for this. I thought it would never happen in my lifetime. I just wanted it to happen before I died. By the way, I'm 80 years old.

Go Sox!