>>> Against Your Will
By staff writer John Marcher

September 17, 2007

“You have four years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Drink 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does…”

-Tom Petty

At college campuses around the country, students are returning, classes are starting, and the first cans of beer are being opened in anattempt to usher in what will hopefully be a long and fortuitous year of school for everyone. This is, simply put, the best time of year to be at school, and the sheer potential that hangs in the air is so very palpable, you can almost smell it.

You walk from class to class in a leisurely fashion, laughing as the freshmen scramble to and fro trying to figure out where all thedifferent buildings are. You hang out in the quad between classes meeting up with all the people you didn’t see over the summer, exchanging stories of the incredible debauchery that took place in your respective hometowns while you were gone. You take full notice of all the hot freshmen chicks and potential transfer students milling about and make mental notes to hunt them down on Facebook when you get back to your place. The first week of class is a complete fucking joke and your only concern is which fraternal organization is going to throw the school year’s first big party to kick things off right.

The potential for this to be the best year of college yet is abundant and the anticipation for the festivities to start is as ripe as ever.That is why, dear reader, I have developed a clear and concise guide to making the most out of your return to school, for your benefit, free of charge (donations accepted).

I present to you…

The Official Guide to Going Back To College – 2007

“You need to get yourself some new clothes … Spiffy shoes, trendy sunglasses, and a single killer pair of jeans.”

#1 – Take out the trash!

No doubt you’ve met a lot of people by this time in your college career; some of these friendships have been for the better, and somehave not. You need to decide which of your previous acquaintances you still want to chill with, and which you don’t. Simply put, you can’t waste another year bullshitting with the fat chick who helped you through Calc 1 three semesters ago because you pretended to flirt with her.

Let these people know where they stand by totally fucking ignoring them and then being incredibly mean and curt when and if they decide to confront you about it. On the contrary, actively seek out all the cool people you know and haven’t seen since last year and let them know that you’re back and ready to tear the roof off this sucka.

#2 – Shine up those dancing shoes!

I’m going to go out on a limb here and give some advice that goes against the very fiber of my being—and by this of course, I mean go shopping. That’s right, you heard correctly, I just told you to go shopping. I am in touch my metrosexual side and not afraid to show it in an effort to make your social life a better place. Thank me later for this most momentous sacrifice.

But back to business: You need to get yourself some new clothes, and I don’t mean like mama used to hook it up back in the day either. I’m talkin’ only the most frivolous of shit: spiffy shoes, trendy sunglasses, and a single killer pair of jeans. The bottom line here is that first impressions last a lifetime, and you need to hit campus looking sharp.

In close conjunction with this perilous undertaking is the need to revamp your profile on any and all social networking sites you belong too. If you don’t have a Facebook/MySpace at this point in your life, it’s probably a good time give up on all the goals you’ve set for yourself thus far and become a Scientologist. That said, those of us living in the modern world have the unfortunate obligation of creating and maintaining a 24/7 billboard for our own coolness, and this is the time of year to clean that shit up.

Grow an e-garden, become a ninja, add a Super Wall, whatever floats your boat really, and then add some pictures, hand-selected to make you look cool. Add a short witty caption to each picture and you’ve got the formula for looking like a total badass. Feel free to use any and all Photoshop/cropping tools to edit in celebrities, enlarge your package, or make the girls hanging out with you look hotter. The bottom line here is that this aspect of your existence is going to be the number one conduit by which the vast majority of people get to know you, so the better you lie, the more people will like you.

#3 – Get your finger on the pulse!

Alright, now that you have a set of friends you truly care about, a decent wardrobe to prance around in, and a pimped out Facebook, you’re ready to get the mojo flowing. Start IMing, calling, Facebook messaging, and telegramming everyone you know to see what’s going on this weekend. Be absolutely non-committal in each and every one of these conversations. This is imperative as you need to know what’s going on from every perspective possible before you’re able to decide on the option.

Once you know the dilly, use it to your advantage by inviting hot freshmen/transfer girls who have no idea what’s going on to these events. Parlay your inside info and fresh connections to your school’s social structure into a reason to hang out with yet untouched freshman hotties. Then use this info and relationships with said hotties to accrue further invitations and friendships with the people throwing these events. At this point you can continue to increase the amount of hotties you invite based upon the increase in events you have gained access too! It’s a violent circle this business of herding unknowing untouched freshman, but somebody’s got to do it.

#4 – Hit the ground running!

Now all that’s left to do is start partying! Make sure you have solid pre-gaming plans so as to initiate a proper buzz before hitting the party scene, stock up on your alcohol of choice, and let the good times roll! If you need advice on how to hit the party scene in style, I can probably help you out there too. But with that said, it’s really up to you at this point to get things rolling by hitting the ground running and partying your ass off in the process.

As the leaves turn and fall from their respective trees it will come to signify the passing of another season, and with this will come changes far and wide in all different avenues of life. As these changes occur you should realize that above all else, what comes with change is potential. With this in mind, as you find yourself back on a college campus this fall, think about what Mr. Tom Petty gleaned from his own time as a student. You are immersed in the best times of your life, and there’s no reason that this year can’t be the best one yet.