Needless to say, when you bring a computer with you on a long trip, shove it in a backpack, and then proceed to treat that backpack with the type of dignity usually reserved for Guantanamo Bay prisoners, your computer probably isn't going to make it out wholly intact.
The screen was more broke then Greece, and I had little in the way of money to repair it myself, so logically I decided to call up customer service to see if they could throw some money at the problem for me. Unfortunately, I had no idea if my computer was still under warranty…or if I had any warranty to begin with. But since when have I ever let logic stand in the way of berating someone who probably doesn't deserve it for the sake of comedy?
What follows is a real conversation with the very real people at ACER customer support.
Customer Support: Hello, thank you for calling ACER customer support, my name is Steven, how can I help you today?
Me: Hi there, Steve. Can I call you Steve?
Me: How about Mary? If you let me call you Mary it would fulfill a very specific fantasy of mine. Is that alright?
Steve: You can call me Steve. What can I help you with today, sir?
Me: Cutting right to the gravy of it. I like that Steve. I respect that.
Steve: Sir, the problem?
"That is how bad you are at this, Steve: you made me put my pants back on. I expect a little more professionalism out of you." Me: Of course. How rude of me. Anywho, it has recently come to my knowledge that my computer's screen has malfunctioned, and as such, I can't stare longingly at photos of Neil Patrick Harris anymore. As you can plainly see, this is a bit of a problem.
Steve: I see, and how did the screen malfunction? Do you know?
Me: Do any of us really know anything? In the grand scheme of things, in the whole machination of the universe, is it really possible to know something so sublime and metaphysical as this? Is it—
Steve: So you don't know?
Me: …probably not.
Steve: Right, I see. Well, at the very least I can take down your information to check on the warranty.
He then proceeded to ask me several questions and no I'm not posting my personal information on the internet, I know the kind of people who hang out on the internet, and more often than not, they aren't wearing pants.
Steve: Alright sir, one moment please while I search for your information.
Me: Right, right. So, Steve? Whatcha wearing?
Steve: Excuse me?
Me: Just curious. Just making small talk. Whatcha wearing?
Steve: …I, um, I'm wearing my uniform.
Me: Right, right. Kinda like a catholic school girl's "uniform"?
Steve: No, sir. And I have to say that question is a little inappropriate.
Me: Well, it's a start, but you're gonna have to go a little farther then "inappropriate" if we're going to get these balls rolling, if you know what I mean.
Steve: Well, I have your information here sir. You have an ACER brand Aspire One with Intel Atom and Windows 7 Starter Edition pre-installed. Is this correct?
Me: That is some god-awful dirty talk, Steve. I'm not a robot, I can't work with this.
Steve: It also says that you don't have any warranty, so if I may ask—
Me: Your computer is wrong, obviously. So should I give you a shipping address now, or…?
Steve: Sir, I'm afraid that I cannot help you any further. If you believe that you do have warranty coverage, please contact the vendor you purchased your computer from and ask—
Me: Alright, my pants are on. That is how bad you are at this, Steve: you made me put my pants back on. And don't think you've heard the last of me; I'm calling back, and next time, I expect a little more professionalism out of you.
Customer Service: Hello there, thank you very much for calling ACER customer support, my name is Lilly, how can I help you today?
Me: Hello Lilly, can I call you Steve?
Lilly: Umm, I, um, I suppose so…what can I do for you, sir?
Me: Well Steve, I…I…hmm, you know what, this Steve thing isn't working for me, Steve. What else do you have, any other names?
Lilly: Well, my friends call me Lill for short.
Me: Creativity is not one of your friends' strong points, is it?
Lilly: Sir, can I help you?
Me: I sure hope so, Steve. My computer has a broken screen, and I think you need to fill a crate full of money and send it to me as reparation. Think we can agree on this?
Lilly: Sir, is your screen actually broken?
Lilly: I, I don't think I quite understand what you're saying. Is the screen broken or not, sir?
Me: Yes. Yes it is.
Lilly: And how did it break, sir?
Me: Do any of us really know anything? In the grand scheme of th—
Lilly: Sir? How did it break?
Me: …you cut me off mid-rant. Are you single?
Me: Figured. People like you are never single.
Lilly: People who interrupt you?
Me: No, people I visualize as being really really hot.
Lilly: I'll ask once more, how did the screen break?
Me: Well, it was in my backpack and then I took it out and it wasn't working.
Lilly: So it cracked while you were carrying it in your backpack?
Me: No I beat the shit out of it right after I took it out yes it broke in the backpack.
Lilly: Sir if you use language like that I will be forced to disconnect with you. And sir, if the screen broke because you were careless with the computer, then I'm afraid the basic warranty does not cover that at all, as it is not a problem with the product itself, but rather something you did yourself. Do you understand?
Me: Not a product with the problem? That doesn't even make sense?!
Lilly: That's because you said it backwards, sir.
Me: Hmm, so I did. Touché, Steve, touché.
I hung up, not her.
Customer Support: Hello, this is ACER Customer Support, my name is Steven, how may I help you?
Customer Support: Hello, this is ACER customer support, my name is Raul, how may I assist you today?
Me: Hello Raul, I would like to file a complaint.
Raul: Alright sir, I'm sorry to hear that. May I ask what this is regarding?
Me: I think that's actually part of your job, so I'd be a dick to say no.
Raul: Umm, I suppose so?
Me: You can do more than suppose.
Raul: Right…so, what is the complaint regarding?
Me: It's about the fact that I am still not a wealthy oil baron. You see, I was going to invest my money in oil, but since you guys keep failing to approve a new screen for me, I had to spend money to fix the problem myself, leaving me without money to invest in the aforementioned oil.
Raul: I…umm, so you're blaming us for…for what specifically?
Me: Well, Raul…yeah that's not working, can I call you Steve?
Raul: Can you call me Steve? I don't see how that's rele—
Female Voice in the Background: Wait, what did he ask you?
Raul: Umm, sorry, I'm with a customer at the moment.
Female Voice in the Background: He asked to call you Steve though?
Raul: Yes he did.
At this point the line made a funny beeping noise.
Lilly: Sir? Is this Cole F.M.?
Lilly: Mr. F.M., I have your number here on the screen, I know it's you.
Me: …do any of us really know anyth—
Lilly: I am going to ask that you not call back until you have a legitimate complaint to file, sir. If you call back and harass any more of the staff here, we will be forced to take legal action. Do you understand?
Me: Oh quit beating around the bush and ask me out already.
Lilly: Goodbye, sir.
After that I decided not to call back, as I felt at least a little resentment in the way that Lilly talked about legal action. So ends a day where I can say the most productive thing I did was harass a customer service line. Bastards.