Every once in a while, I find it in my cold, dead heart to help the less fortunate. You know, those poor souls who can't help their sad, pathetic lot in life. In this instance, I'm talking about men. Having to spend the better part of their lives ruled by their penises (penii?), men have little time to develop actual skill sets that will truly make them successful in life. Their days and nights are consumed by thoughts of sex: how to get it, where to get it, who to get it from. You see, while women overanalyze emotions, men overanalyze sex. That's why women can pretty much get laid whenever they want and men spend a vast majority of their time polishing themselves off.

Girl sitting at a bar alone with couple behind her
You do want in on this, right?
When it comes to anything sexual, men's brains turn into a sort of congealed mess that doesn't allow any other thoughts to come forth. That's why I have the firm belief that if women just perpetually gave blowjobs, we would rule the world. The males would be so busy thinking of ways to last longer, we would literally have them by the balls.

So this is where my charity comes in. I'm going to save you a lot of time, men, on your ongoing quest to plow some fields. No longer will you have to plan on how to get into that girl's pants. I'm here to lay it all out for you.

(Keep in mind, gentlemen, this article is called "How to Get Laid," not "How to Secure a Longstanding Meaningful Relationship." So if that's what you're looking for, I bid you adieu and please grab a tampon on your way out.)

Know Your Place

Justin Long and Drew Barrymore holding hands
Still out of your league most likely.
Just as men rate women, women rate men. There are pretty boys, hot guys, and silver foxes. You know, your Zac Efrons, Jon Hamms, and George Clooneys. Then you have your funny guys, nerdy boys, and every other type of man who doesn't fit into any of these categories. See: Vince Vaughn, Justin Long, and Andy Dick. Most guys think they're Jon Hamm. Trust me, you're no Jon Hamm. You're lucky if you're a Vince Vaughn or Justin Long. Most of you are an Andy Dick. Or just a plain old regular dick.

The sooner you accept your type, the more comfortable and secure you will be around women. Stop trying to be something you're not. Own up to the fact that you're a nerd. Nerds can be really hot. Funny nerds are the hottest (Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert). Use your intellect to your advantage. Women are impressed by smart men. We love funny men even more. While you may not have hit the lottery in the looks department, your personality alone has the ability to drop some panties if you use it right.

If you do happen to be a Zac Efron or George Clooney, you're probably a moron. Let's be honest, God doesn't give with both hands. Just keep your mouth shut and smile, the ladies will come to you. Don't open your mouth and prove your idiocy. At least not until you're already inside of her, because then it's too late for her to reject you.

Be Seen, Not Heard

If I wanted to hear some guy talk about politics or what's going on in the world, I'd do what I do most nights: masturbate to Anderson Cooper on CNN. Because we as women tend to overanalyze verbal and emotional things, any word out of your mouth could lead to your ultimate sexual demise. There are certain topics you should avoid at all costs if you're trying to get some ass:

Grey's Anatomy TV scene
Recognize this scene? If not, you're already behind on the fuggin game.
You can talk about your job briefly, but telling a girl you make a lot of money is like saying, "I have a small penis but I can buy you a Coach purse." I don't need you to buy me things (except alcohol). If I wanted a Coach purse, I'd buy a Coach purse. What I really want you to do is make me scream your name in bed (or at least the name I think is yours, but let's be honest, names aren't that important in this scenario).

Sports. Shut up already. I don't care about football or basketball or water polo or whatever the hell it is that men watch. When you're talking to me about these things (sober or not), the only thing I'm thinking is the fastest way I can get the hell out of this conversation. If you really want to get a woman eating out of the palm of your hand, talk about Grey's Anatomy or Gossip Girls or some other shitty show women love. Even if you're just making fun of them, at least it will occupy her interest long enough to keep her talking to you. Be careful not to go too in depth in this, however, otherwise you'll be picking out matching cardigans instead of flavored condoms. No straight man should ever admit to loving either of those shows.

Don't Seem Overzealous

Women love assholes. You know it, I know it, the movie industry makes billions of dollars off it. If you're at a bar and you spot a potential hookup, avoid her at all costs. Subtle eye contact is all you need to show her that you're interested. Make your move too quickly and you look like an oversexed horndog. Too slowly, and you'll be spending the night solo, with your right hand as your only company.

When she's about three drinks in, then you can approach. I cannot stress the following enough: IF YOU ARE NOT A CHRISTIAN BALE, DO NOT USE A PICKUP LINE. They are only endearing if delivered by a significantly attractive male. Otherwise you come off as a total creeper. If you are not a significantly attractive male, you will need to find another way to strike up a conversation. A simple, "Hey, how are you tonight?" will work. Once you have established vocal communication, try to say something witty and then walk away, leaving her wanting more. If you are on her like a fat kid on a piece of cake from the get-go, you will not get laid.

It might even help to be flirtatious with other women, but you must make sure the girl you actually want to have intercourse with knows that you are not truly interested in these other women. This is done by making a joke at the other woman's expense. Do so discreetly, that way if it doesn't work out with girl #1, you can bang girl #2 or #3 who you were flirting with. This is what I call an "insurance policy."

See? It's really not that difficult to simply get laid. Just know your type, speak only when spoken to, and if all else fails, drop a roofie. However, I do not endorse this as it may land you behind bars serving several life terms.