How are you? Just kidding.

Let's cut the fucking bullshit: I fucking hate cavities more than anything in the world. And I will not rest or die until every cavity is gone from the face of this Earth.

Oh, hello, I'm a dentist.

Dentist looking in mouthOne time I had a dream, and I know this will sound crazy, but I (yes, ME!) had a cavity. Hah! Needless to say, I forced myself to wake up and I punched myself in the face until I didn't have any more dreams like that.

Hey…dentist here.

I tell my kids that the minute any of them gets one single cavity I'm throwing them out on the street. I tell them: don't do crystal meth because it will give you a cavity. They're 4, 8, and 3 months respectively, thanks for asking.

Don't you fucking move, cavities. Because I am fucking crazy. Crazy about dental health. Other things that will give you cavities: shopping at Wal-Mart, fresh air, kissing babies, listening to country music, brushing your teeth with candy, looking at pictures of Amy Winehouse, crying, talking too much, being named "Bob," eating too many vegetables, enjoying the movie Juno, not knowing the exact date Miley Cyrus turns 18 (3 days before Hannah Montana does), using conditioner, joining the Army, growing a moustache, listening to death metal, making fun of your teeth, breathing oxygen, tickling yourself, and shooting up Nicorette.

The rumors are true! Dentist right here, hahalol!

Teeth are delicate, delicate creatures. Everyone wants to beat the shit out of them, and everyone tries. But I'm ready to strike back against the attackers with everything I've got. Plaque and gingivitis, meet my arsenal of weapons: floss, fluoride toothpaste, and just in case, the pistol I keep under my pillow. And the 9mm I keep in my pajama pocket while I'm sleeping. And the rifle I grip in my arms while I dream of stabbing cavities. And the tech 9 I keep in my boxers. And the butane torch I keep next to me (I make my wife sleep on the floor–she got a cavity when she was 10, so I can't trust her, but boy does she put out!).

If cavities were a paraplegic, I'd rip them out of their wheelchair and make them walk.

If cavities were a baby, I'd punch them in the eyes.

If cavities were a koala, I'd make those cute little motherfuckers extinct.

If cavities were my children, I'd disown them like they just came out of the closet.

If cavities were Gilbert Gottfried, um…er…

If cavities were impotency, I'd snort Viagra.

If cavities were Subway, I'd eat Quiznos.

If cavities were Mexican, I'd start being racist.

If cavities were clothes, I'd join a nudist colony.

If cavities could be treated, I'd find a cure.

If cavities were a porno, I'd fast forward through it to the credits.

If cavities were giving me a million dollars, I'd throw it out.

If cavities were paranoid schizophrenia, I'd eat M&M's.

If cavities fucked my wife, I'd fuck Cavity's wife and mother. And I'd kill my wife, too. I'm not gonna have sex with that after something like that!

If cavities wrote me a birthday card, I'd burn it and send it back.

If cavities could talk, they'd have a serious speech impediment. And I'd make fun of them so bad.

If cavities were a sport, they'd be the Special Olympics, and they'd win the Gold medal in drooling.

Don't you fucking move, cavities. Don't you fucking THINK about coming near me or my family. Because I am fucking crazy. Crazy about dental health. And if that's a disease, then maybe I deserve to be out on the streets like this.

Hello, spare any change for a dentist? Oh, thank you, thank you. A quarter! This will buy me approximately 1/27th of a crack rock. God bless crack.