>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
March 31, 2004

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Heinz Seeks to Disavow Kerry Connection

By CHARLES SHEEHAN, AP Business Writer

PITTSBURGH – H.J. Heinz Co. has launched an election-year campaign of its own, this one to distance the ketchup maker from what is shaping up to be an acrimonious presidential race.

Don't bother looking it up. It means “marked by strong resentment or cynicism.”

The company has sent nearly 50 letters to radio and television talk shows nationwide to tamp down chatter on the airwaves and Internet suggesting revenue from ketchup sales will benefit the campaign of pending Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry.

And tamp down they did! Recent surveys show a 30% tamping down of chatter, that's down 7% from last years tamp rate. Tamp tamp tamp.

His wife is Teresa Heinz Kerry, heiress to the $500 million family ketchup fortune.

500 million?! I'll squash my OWN tomatoes thank you!

The company has received about 150 calls this month from consumers vowing to boycott Heinz products, or in some instances to buy more, said company spokeswoman Debbie Foster.

Who is so adamant about John Kerry that just because his wife is Heiress to the Ketchup Fortune, they not only purchase an exorbitant amount of ketchup, they then CALL Heinz, somehow leave a message and say “Hello? Yes I just purchased TWO Bottles of Heinz Ketchup, rather then my usual one.” ME, THAT'S WHO!

“It's just crazy,” Foster said. “We haven't been involved in politics since Morris the Cat ran for president in 1988” — when the company ran a spoof campaign with Morris, the face of Heinz 9 Lives cat food, as the finicky candidate.

Morris almost beat Dukakis in the Iowa caucuses. (I just said cock twice.)

Heinz Kerry, who was married to Republican Senator H. John Heinz III when he was killed in a 1991 plane crash, is not on Heinz's board and is in no way involved with company management, Foster said.

Holy crap. How confused must they have been when they arrived at the wreckage and saw that all the red thick liquid on the asphalt WASN'T ketchup.

The company has not seen any effect on sales. But it took action after The Heinz Endowments was accused of funding Peaceful Tomorrows, a group for Sept. 11 victims' families that criticized President Bush's use of footage from the attacks in political ads.

Don't they have to specify a year for Sept 11th?! I mean, what if my grandfather died two years later, am I supposed to be offended by the use of this footage?

The Heinz Endowments President Maxwell King and David Potorti, co-director at Peaceful Tomorrows, have repeatedly denied any link.

Well here's ONE link they haven't denied: www.yahoo.com! GO FORTH CITIZENS! MAKE YOUR ACTIONS HEARD!!

While many talk shows have since backed away from those claims, Internet chat rooms are still buzzing with calls for a Heinz boycott.

That's so true, Just look at this excerpt from this chatroom I happened to enter:

YOU HAVE NOW ENTERED ATLANTA M4M.

xOxOPrincessChicXoXo: Any hot dudez wanna fuck
Amir:
Have you guys heard of this ketchup thing!?
HOTATLANTACOCK:
yah I'll fuck you XoXoPrincessChic!
xOxOPrincessChicXoXo:
Alright Lets do it!
Amir:
Seriously, its a very interesting debate!
HOTATLANTACOCK:
shut up asshole

YOU HAVE LEFT THE CHATROOM
.


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