>>> The News: JAY KAY!

By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld

July 14, 2004

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Hamilton, Burr Kin to Re-Enact Duel

WEEHAWKEN, N.J. – The bitter grudge between their ancestors has long faded, but descendants of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr are squaring off again Sunday with pistols in hand.

I've said it once and I'll say it again: ONLY IN WEEHAWKEN NEW JERSEY would they let crap like this go on.

Douglas Hamilton, a fifth-great-grandson of Hamilton, and Antonio Burr, a descendant of Burr's cousin, were set to re-enact the July 11, 1804 duel that left Hamilton mortally wounded and a sitting vice president's reputation sullied.

Wait wait wait. A descendant of Burr's COUSIN?! Alexander Hamilton had NO feud with Burr's COUSIN, thus making this re-enactment just a weird gathering of historical nerds. Oh wait…

More than 1,000 people were expected to attend the re-enactment near the Hudson River, about a quarter-mile west of the actual duel site, which no longer exists. Sixty descendants of Hamilton are to attend, as are 40 members of the Aaron Burr Association.

There are a lot of people who follow the National Basketball Association, but according to blue collar America, the REAL ballers are in the Aaron Burr Association. Yah, I think Wilt Chamberlain even started his career in the ABA, but I'm not exactly sure because this whole paragraph is a joke.

Hamilton, a signer of the Constitution and the nation's first treasury secretary, had a simmering feud with his longtime rival Burr, the vice president under Thomas Jefferson.

I wish I had longtime rivals and simmering feuds. That way, in two hundred years people would be re-enacting shit I did. Literally. 1000 people will gather round as a descendant of my cousin will take a poop in the same fashion as me: While reading Garfield's 7th Anthology.

When Burr ran for governor of New York in early 1804, Hamilton denounced him as untrustworthy. Burr lost. Burr later complained about a newspaper article that reported Hamilton had expressed a “despicable opinion” of him.

Get to the GOT MILK commercial. Jesus, I'm already bored with this story.

Dissatisfied with Hamilton's explanation, Burr challenged him to the duel.

Man that is so cool. Can you imagine if Paris Hilton did that. Or Shannon Doherty did that? Or *cut to 45 hours later, blood shot eyes, full grown beard, hoarse voice* or if…. Taj Mowry…did

Shot by Burr, Hamilton returned to New York, where he died the next day. Burr was indicted on murder charges in New York and New Jersey but was never tried, and finished his term as vice president in 1805.

That's my favorite part. “Hamilton you're shot in the face and neck!” “No I'm not you fool, I'm fine. Lets go back to New York.” (one day later) “Oh wait, I AM shot in the face and neck!” *Dies*

For the re-enactment, Douglas Hamilton and Antonio Burr will don period costumes, arrive at the riverbank by rowboat with their entourages, as their ancestors had, then pace off. The men will fire replicas of the .54-caliber pistols, then Douglas Hamilton will feign the historic hip wound and go down on one knee.

SHHHH, don't ruin it for me! How funny would it be to go there and as Fake Burr shoots Fake Hamilton to actually shoot the Fake Hamilton with a REAL gun. As he keels over people will just misunderstand his utter agony with fine acting as they will return him to New York where he will die the next day. Then you will have a bitter rivalry with Alexander Hamiltons' fifth-great-grandson, and you guys will have a duel. Then in 200 years they'll re-enact the duel using Alexander Hamilton's fifth-great-grandson's fifth-great-grandson and somebody from the [Your Name] Association. Or you can just catch the whole event on ESPN 2. Whatever floats your boat.

Afterwards, Douglas Hamilton said, they will have a beer together.

A Samuel Adams no doubt! HA HA HA *Beer glasses clink together, freeze frame, annnnnd….fade to a nerdy black*