Maybe it's the media sensationalism we're constantly bombarded with, but it seems to me that with just enough hyper-extreme exaggeration, you could spin just about anything to seem much bigger than it really is. I've noticed that this is a trait all of us have adopted as second nature, so I thought it would be fun to put descriptive exaggeration to work and highlight some things that seem much bigger than they really are.

Come with me now and read what is sure to be one of the most descriptive and awe-inspiring pieces of literature that I or anyone else has ever authored in the history of the written word. (Oh yeah, in case you missed it, I tend to blow things out of proportion too.)

5. Stuff in Your Teeth

If we as a species keep this larger than life appetite mentality, we're all going to end up wider than we are tall. You are blissfully sitting in a movie theater waiting for your cinematic presentation to begin while munching away on your barrel of popcorn that could probably sustain a small nation for a year. Halfway through the previews the unthinkable happens: one of those popcorn kernel hulls lodges itself in between two of your teeth.

When a popcorn kernel hull gets caught in your teeth it feels like you're stuck in that "reverse bear trap" contraption from the movie SAW. It's almost as if the piece of popcorn whispered to you before you popped it in your mouth, "Hello, you don't know me, but I know you. I want to play a game." The epic campaign that ensues between you and this evil popcorn kernel hull makes the battle between good and evil, which is raging on the screen in front of you, look like a child's tea party. After fighting with this scourge for the entire movie, it finally dislodges and you marvel at the fact that it is SO THIN that you can actually see through it. "Congratulations. You are still alive. Most people are so ungrateful to be alive. But not you. Not anymore."

SAW movie trap
Next time I'm bringing a floss pick with me to the movies.

4. Your Appetite

The other day I was at a burger joint and I ordered a gingerbread milkshake (by the way, no exaggeration, but oh my fucking yummy god!) and the waiter asked me if I wanted the tin with it. Acting on pure animal instinct I answered that I DID in fact want the tin with my milkshake. I mean who wants one behemoth vessel of gingerbread milkshake when you could have TWO behemoth vessels of gingerbread milkshake? Oh that's right, someone who intended on eating the rest of their lunch without feeling like they wanted to projectile vomit for the rest of the day.

This holiday season, at houses around the world, people's plates will be piled higher than those plates are wide. If we as a species keep this larger than life appetite mentality, the reverse will actually happen to us: we're all going to end up wider than we are tall. Please, have a happy holiday season, but try and end up not being this century's Chauncy Morlan.

Chauncy Morlan - fat circus freak
Chauncy Morlan: Late 19th century obese circus freak, early 21st century average Walmart customer.

3. The Earth

Everyone always exclaims what a big place the world is and how people from other countries seem like they're from totally different worlds. For some, traveling to other countries seems like a massive undertaking or an epic odyssey. However, I believe that the perception of the Earth is historically getting smaller and smaller, like an aging midget.

Wait, do midgets shrink as much as regular-sized people do in old age? According to physics (F=ma), gravity is a constant and the mass of a midget is much less than that of a regular-sized person, so the force exerted on a midget due to gravity is less than that exerted on a regular-sized person. Hmmmm, maybe aging midgets don't even perceptively shrink at all. That's weird…. Anyway, moving on.

Midget stunt tosser
Turns out, when it comes to gravity, midgets don't have it as bad as we thought.
I chatted with someone in China the other day and it occurred to me that the perception of the world has always been much bigger than the world really is…I guess kind of like how a midget would view it. A couple hundred years ago, traveling across the United States meant a six month journey you might not even survive. You would very likely end up in a shallow grave somewhere, marked by a stick with your hat on it, while someone else fucked your wife and raised your children at the final destination. Today, crossing the United States is a six-hour plane ride, likely without so much family restructuring along the way. While the size of the world hasn't actually changed, the perception of it certainly has and I'd say that perception is definitely getting smaller and smaller every day, but apparently NOT like an aging midget…according to physics.

2. Cell Phone Issues

Angry man on a cell phone
This guy is WAY more disconnected than he actually even realizes.
All too often I've heard people complain about their cell phones, as if using their particular model/carrier was the equivalent to contracting Ebola. You people are constantly bitching and moaning about dropped calls, delayed texts, internet connectivity issues, and reception coverage. Seriously, get some fucking perspective, would you? It's nothing short of amazing that you are even able to carry a "regular" phone around in your pocket, let alone this tiny little smartphone that acts imperfectly from time to time.

I've actually seen people hit their smartphone while screaming obscenities, because a sentence they texted failed to send, or a call they were on dropped. Give me a freakin' break with your misplaced angst over absolutely nothing. Cell phone problems aren't that real and if you think they are then you've lost all touch with reality, which I would argue is a much bigger disconnect.

1. ALL Your Problems

In fact, nine times out of ten, ALL of your problems are NOT as big of a deal as you think they are. I listen to people a lot (okay, if you want to use the term "eavesdrop" that's fine too) and from what I've heard most of them spend all their time complaining about the most inane everyday stuff. I do, however, find their exaggerated solutions for these "problems" mildly entertaining.

For starters, I'm pretty sure it isn't necessary to bludgeon a person to death with a tire iron, over a parking space. I recommend circling the block again. I'm also fairly certain that shooting your professor in the face with a sawed off shotgun isn't a viable option for getting that grade changed. I recommend maybe some extra credit. In addition, I don't think holding down the cashier and burning out his retina with the scanning laser is warranted for not accepting your expired coupon. I recommend Bed Bath & Beyond; they always take expired coupons. Finally, I get that you think you should have less foam on your latte, but it really isn't worth stabbing your barista in the head, then skull-fucking the brainhole. Ironically, I actually recommend LESS coffee.

If these are your biggest problems in life, then maybe you should be bludgeoned with a tire iron; shot in the face with a sawed off shotgun; and burned by a laser in the retina, stabbed in the head and skull-fucked in the brainhole, simply for lacking any perspective. Get some real problems, asshole.

Asian girl in a bra on the bed
Chin up and your situation will definitely get better.

So there you have it, five things that seem much bigger than they really are. What do you think seems much bigger than it really is?

Continue to “Five Things That Seem Much Smaller Than They Actually Are” »