Dear Fathers of America,

First of all, let me congratulate you on having daughters. It's quite an accomplishment to bring new life to this world. Double congrats if your daughter is hot and 18 years old—or will be soon.

Now, I've never been a father, but I do know a lot of girls with daddy issues, and I have to thank you for that too. Because without your lack of interest in your daughter's life, development, or whatever, we wouldn't have strippers, porn stars or—who the hell am I kidding? Find me a girl walking somewhere, and I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that she's thinking of ways to piss off her pops.

Strip club dance prices negotiable
"Depending on how much attention the dancer's father showed her as a child."
Holy cow! It's never been as easy or fun to find "adult entertainment" in the world. And every bachelor owes you, nonexistent father figures. Most of your daughters just walk around half naked in the first place and we don't even have to ask. That's just great for us.

Next, I don't know where or how your daughters are learning to give blowjobs, but holy good damn hell I'm glad they're at least paying attention to those lessons. I don't know if they're starting to teach these techniques in middle school and I don't really care, but I'm really happy with the results. In my experience, I've seen a significant increase in the quality of knobber I've received in the past few years. It's like oral sex evolved from the industrial revolution to the nuclear ages—and it's all because of proud parents like you.

If you keep up this lack of parenting, maybe we can get rid of the "two-month-dating-while-waiting-for-anal" prerequisite.Back in my younger years, you took a girl to the movies and you might get a less-than-enthusiastic handjob. Now you tell a few jokes, maybe kiss her on the cheek or something, and all of a sudden my dick is playing "hit me" with her uvula (that's the little punching bag thingy in the back of your throat).

Wow. I mean, fathers of America, I'm just constantly impressed at how your 18-year-old daughters are somehow sluttier, and happier to be slutty, than the last batch of legal skanks. I thought miniskirts were going to be a delicious fad that would disappear in a few years, but your lack of attention to your precious little girls and your affection towards golf has made the women of this great country find even more ways to dress to impress by wearing less.

Just three generations ago in this very country it was totally UNCOUTH for a woman to have sex with a man before they were married. Now, you don't even need to know a girl's middle name (sometimes I don't learn either name) to start banging them. Who knows, if you keep up this lack of parenting, maybe we can get rid of the "two-month-dating-while-waiting-for-anal" prerequisite clause that seems to be ingrained in a few girls' psyches.

I heard back in the day, when you had a one-night stand with a girl, most of the time the female would end up calling and feeling guilty. I speak for myself, but I'm sure some of my male readers will say, "You know, I feel kind of ashamed for all the shit I did to that girl last evening, but more so just kind of sorry for her. She has issues."

Furthermore, I'm not going to deny that Obama and other black members of society have sexual appeal, which has increased interracial dating (and porn), but whatever the white and Asian dads of the USA are doing to their daughters, they've certainly made dating a black guy the go-to thing for their daughters to piss them off. If I was a black dude, I'd read the newspapers to find out where the big family reunions of white folks were, get a lawn chair, and just wait for some pissed off Caucasian chick looking to humiliate her father. Hell that's such a good idea, I might paint myself in blackface and just chill out by the freshman dorms this coming move-in day.

Or remember the time you left your wife for your secretary and decided you wanted to start up a scuba diving business in Delaware? That was awesome. The crazy shit your daughter does because of that is beyond phenomenal, and even though this is an uncensored website, I can't even begin to hint to you what she did—and probably still does. But I will say, she's the one who yelled at me for eating all the pickles out of the jar that I bought for myself. You really did a number on her. She also tried carving her name into my car. So I guess I don't want to say "thank you," I want to say, "fuck you!"


P.S. Fathers, please don't teach your daughters to shoot guns or use knives. That could be very bad for guys like me.