It happened again: Facebook redesigned everything and your mind exploded all over everyone's news feed! Don't worry, I'm here to make things infinitely easier and clearer for you so you don't have to figure out how to navigate all this new Facebook stuff. I promise if you follow my simple advice you will never have to deal with confusing stuff on Facebook ever again.

Facebook for Dummies book
This book consists of one page that says, "Kill yourself, now!"

First of all though, I have to give you a brief lesson in the basics so you can put my really easy new Facebook redesign shortcut in its proper context. Buckle up, here goes…

Shit changes! Fucking get used to it! Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you bunch of whiny little cry babies?! You live in an amazing and dynamic world where everything is constantly changing! You know what that's called? PROGRESS! All you people constantly pissing and moaning over completely irrelevant and meaningless shit are one step away from being that old curmudgeon shouting at kids, "GET OFF MY LAWN!" Or maybe you're just so fucking blinded by your Facebook addiction that you now lack any reality in your life to know what a REAL problem is. Hey, I have an idea, let's get some fucking perspective on things, shall we?! It's fucking Facebook!

Snort cocaine off mirror in Facebook shape
Just how big of a problem could anything on Facebook really be?

Facebook is the ridiculous time wasting tool you use to monitor what a bunch of people are planning on eating for dinner tonight, people who, by the way, you haven't physically even spoken to in over a decade! Some of these "friends" are people who you very possibly haven't even met in person, let alone people you "really" know, yet you complain that the way you stalk them now has become even more complex and intricate? JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE, YOU'RE LUCKY TO BE ABLE TO STALK THEM AT ALL, WITHOUT EVEN LEAVING YOUR HOUSE! I remember when you used to have to hide in people's bushes getting devoured by mosquitoes in the cold damp night air, or dig through their fucking garbage just to find out where someone ate dinner a few DAYS ago! Now you get instant notifications, sent to the goddamn phone in your pocket, when people actually ARRIVE at their destination (not to mention who they're there WITH), complete with pictures you DIDN'T have to take with a telephoto lens. Have a little fucking gratitude for the incredible and amazing world you live in, would ya?!

Stalker in the shower - Stalkbook

I don't even want to know what this person is doing on my wall.

Awwww what, did Facebook ruin your life by making it so that only the "important" pieces of completely useless bullshit information about all the people you've deluded yourself into thinking are your "friends" are now at the TOP of your news feed?! How dare Facebook try and save you some of your precious creeper time, thus allowing you EVEN MORE creeper time, to be even creepier, by prioritizing your creeper stalking activities. I can see why you're so upset. I mean, clearly you know much more about social networking based on all the fake superficial relationships you've currently developed.

In addition, you are obviously a website design wizard based on that MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR business you're running, regardless of the fact that you don't even know two shits about paying your credit card bill on time. No seriously, you have easily demonstrated your breadth of knowledge regarding time management by even owning a fucking Facebook account, I'm surprised they didn't consult with you personally before making all these new Facebook changes that allow you to use Facebook even more now.

Xzibit on Facebook
Xzibit A, why you're an asshole: Your Facebook is pimped and you don't even know it.

Look, unless you're currently sitting in your basement writing code for an AMAZING new social networking site that will bring you instant information about the size of the last shit your stalkers just took, but in a FAR SUPERIOR format, just shut the fuck up already!

"BOO HOO, Facebook changed and now I have to learn something new in this ever-changing world! Why doesn't everything just stay the same so I can let my fucking brain rot instead of actually having to fire an occasional neuron or two?! Woe is me, my life is so fucking hard!"
-Dumbass Idiot

Hey, remember all that other shit that stayed exactly the same and hasn't changed a bit since it was invented? Oh, no? You don't? Exactly, because it got better and now you have all this new cool shit which frees up all your time to do stupid crap like monitoring total strangers' lives instead of actually going out and doing something real in yours! Just be grateful for all the incredible shit around you and stop bitching about it every little chance you get. You're living in a fucking unbelievable time where everything is always being upgraded and ultimately getting way better and easier to use. Your complaints about change and how much you hate to learn anything new are tantamount to my grandmother's complaints that she doesn't want to learn how to use a microwave. I'll say the same thing to you that I said to her: "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU CUNT AND STOP BITCHING ABOUT HOW YOU WISH YOU ACTUALLY HAD LESS TIME TO PLAY MINDLESS GAMES IN YOUR SPARE TIME, WITH PEOPLE YOU CAN BARELY REMEMBER ANYMORE!"

Honestly, the only difference I see here is that Pinochle has now been replaced by Farmville, but at least with Pinochle my grandmother could actually claim to have SOME amount of human interactions with the people she claimed were her friends, but who she still secretly loathed.

Oh right, I almost forgot, I promised you a shortcut to make things infinitely easier and clearer so you don't have to figure out how to navigate all this new Facebook stuff.

Here it is: Delete your account and go out and get some "real" problems to bitch and whine about.