Intriguing college observations and witticisms from the refined, yet curiously comedic voice of a Canadian university student.

Column Archives | Start at: 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002

March 2006

Return from Eternity Leave | 3-30-06
Almost a year later, your favorite Canadian returns to the ‘ol chopping block. Hey, it's a lot better than his return to the ‘ol cell block.


May 2005

The Mating Habits of the Ecuadorian Ivory-Billed Woodpecker | 5-1-05
T-H makes a triumphant return after the trying month of April. Classic case of writer's block? Nope, more like criminal case and cell block.


April 2005

A difficult month for Text-Heavy. See above.


March 2005

Changing Your Major for Dummies | 3-13-05
Everyone has considered it, but few actually do it. Talk to your advisor and see if changing your major is right for you. (Side effects include prolonged years at college.)

Summer Job Hunt 2005 | 3-6-05
If beer grew on trees, we'd never have to worry about summer jobs again. Unfortunately, beer still grows in hidden underground caves.


February 2005

A College Birthday Experience | 2-27-05
Put your party hats on, it's time to explore everything besides alcohol that make a birthday memorable, starting with the “In Da Club Remix.”

Poker Night in Canada | 2-20-05
What do Canadians do when hockey season is officially cancelled? They turn to poker nights! (Texas hold 'em, not the sexual kind.)

Last Minute Spring Break Brainstorm | 2-13-05
Procrastination: it's what you're best at and it's why this year's Spring Break will suck worse than last year's if you don't give it some thought.

The Recess Rundown | 2-6-05
How do you spend those 30 minute downtimes in between classes? Common answers include napping, reading, shoplifting and masturbating.


January 2005

Do Not Date This Girl | 1-30-05
Seven types of bad news girls and the dirty little traps they set to lure you in. Most likely to blindside you? Bisexual-Girl.

Know Your Canadian Campus Politics | 1-23-05
Campus election season: a time for every annoying stereotype on campus to come out of the woodwork to promote their own agenda.

Do Not Try This at Home | 1-16-05
The cast of Jackass has already injured themselves ad infinitum. It's time they focused on new projects…like beating Jesus in arm-wrestling.

In an Ark Somewhere, Noah is Laughing | 1-9-05
The REAL post-tsunami disaster question is: what are North American celebrities doing to offer relief aid? Oprah's giving away Pontiacs…


December 2004

Your Guide to Christmastime Love | 12-5-04
December can be an awfully lonely month if you don't find someone to share all the mushy holiday moments with. Step one, learn to cook.


November 2004

An Open Letter to My Local Mass Transit Operator | 11-28-04
Riding the bus is never a “pleasant” or “punctual” experience. But Mr. Driver, please, stop lowering the handicap ramp for fun.

Symposium on Fitness | 11-21-04
Dropping the freshman 15 (or the sophomore 45) won't be easy, but at least it will keep you off drugs. Except for that silly protein powder.

College Party Planning | 11-14-04
Brush up on everything from invitations and keg-buying to music and mood lighting. Just try to keep the blacklight away from the jizz stains.

The Almighty All-Nighter | 11-7-04
Procrastination is an artform. An artform that by nature, will never be explained on paper. That's why there's the Internet.


October 2004

Halloween Safety and Fun Guide | 10-31-04
Paranoid, yet timeless advice for the serious trick-or-treater. Remember pranksters, Osama's cave is strictly off-limits.

Rejected Column Ideas | 10-24-04
For every sweet, juicy bit of comedy squeezed out into an article, there are a million lemons. Now taste the sour rainbow.

Back in the Day | 10-17-04
Remember when cubbyholes beat backpacks? When video games were beatable? When this column reminisced? No? Then start reading.

3rd Semi-Biannual Extra-Long Goddamn Canadian Thanksgiving Special | 10-10-04
Is there anything more exciting than dragging out a pointless tradition? Perhaps a cranberry-stuffed turkey with a side of comedy.

Back to Cool | 10-3-04
E.E.'s takin' it back to the old school style of hardcore college humor. Expect class, professor, textbook, and dorm poster jokes.


September 2004

One Hundred | 9-26-04
Text-Heavy celebrates its 100th issue by going on strike! Ten arduous demands must be met or issue 101 will never see the light of Internet.

The Second Week Back | 9-19-04
Drop/adding, waitlisting, scheduling, declaring your major. Don't dig yourself a hole too early by slacking on the “simple” tasks.

The First Week Back | 9-12-04
Making and abandoning new friends, picking class seats, and stocking up on microwave burritos. It's all part of the first week mayhem.

Packing | 9-5-04
Unnecessary clothes, patchwork junky decorations, and your trusty guitar that you have yet to learn how to play. Pack it all in anyway.


August 2004

Happy Birthday: Time to Die | 8-29-04
Why allow yourself to get any older than 22 when you can commit anti-aging suicide? Here are several creative ways to out with a bang.

Taking Out the Trash | 8-22-04
Why let unused jokes go to waste when you can pile them up in one heap of column space? Presenting “the best of the rest” jokes…

Olympic Sports That Ought to Exist But Don't | 8-15-04
Synchronized swimming and shotput? Please, spare us. Positive drug test relay and terrorism bingo? That's more like it.

So You're Going to Grad School | 8-8-04
Well maybe you're not yet, but the time will come when you'll seriously consider putting off the “real world” for another two years.

A Day at the Fair | 8-1-04
There's something extra amusing about a French amusement park. But it's definitely not those stuffed animal prizes. You'll never win those.


July 2004

Summer Vacation Fun Guide | 7-25-04
Time to escape the dregs of your pathetic summer job in search of adventure. Here's the summer's hot-spots, from Europe to Iraq.

Guide to Stand-Up Comedy | 7-18-04
Listen up amateurs, Open Mic Night will go a lot smoother if you follow a few unwritten rules. Well, now they're written. (See, I need work.)

Anatomy of a Comedy Newsletter | 7-11-04
The Text-Heavy secrets are out. And now you can use them to learn how to write your own award-winning comedy column.

Democracy in Action | 7-4-04
Canadian politics take a twist when E.E. runs for Prime Minister. Drugs prevail, taxes decrease, and the economy hinges on Best Buy.


June 2004

You May Have Already Won | 6-27-04
There will always be some sort of contest to pique your greedy capitalist interest. Don't hold your breath for a door prize though.

The Internet is Scary | 6-20-04
From spam to cheating, from porn to message board posters. The Internet hasn't always evolved for the best. Unless the porn is free.

The Happiest Day of My Life | 6-13-04
Cotton candy brings child-like joy to the heart. Buying a cotton candy machine brings the carnival to your backyard.

Welcome to Beavers | 6-6-04
This Canadian Hooters is one whirlwind adventure you don't want to miss. Unless you prefer your burgers cooked and your waitresses hot.


May 2004

For the Pre-Frosh | 5-30-04
Attention graduating high-schoolers: skip the bullshit college talks you've heard from every adult since graduation. Here's the hot sauce.

Summer Job Hunt 2004 | 5-23-04
Want to prolong and intensify your drinking streak through the summer? You're gonna need some extra loot.

Exams, Part III: After | 5-16-04
The exciting conclusion to the exams series tackles the post-game exam chat and the mysterious final grading process.

Exams, Part II: During | 5-9-04
Multiple choice, true false, short essay, long essay…it's all the same if they can't keep you from cheating, right?

Exams, Part I: Before | 5-2-04
The first stage in the three-week time period known as “finals and papers.” Including where to study and who to steal notes from.


April 2004

In Heaven There Is No Greenpeace | 4-25-04
Earth Day: A time of year when environmentalists bring their pointless causes to the forefront of our attention. Now rev up your SUV's.

Crime and PunIMent | 4-18-04
A non-AOL spin on IM, plus a look at some of the worst IM perpetrators, from a Canadian viewpoint no less.

The Book of Procrastination | 4-11-04
If only 10% of your time is devoted to actual studying, you better believe there's a whole book on procrastination…coming later.

Fun Times With Teacher Evaluations | 4-4-04
It's the one chance you get to tell your professor what you really think of him. Will you wimp out or speak your mind?


March 2004

A Night on the Town | 3-28-04
Follow E.E., your personal wild and crazy party animal, on a night out from pre-partying to last call.

Generic All-Purpose College Study Guide | 3-21-04
Preparing for an exam? Here's a one-size-fits-all approach guaranteed to put your mind at ease for any subject.

How Do You Like Your Proms? | 3-14-04
Turn back your clocks a little bit and reminisce over the good and bad parts of your high school prom. Bad parts being lack of alcohol.

Lord of the Spring Cleanings | 3-7-04
Peter Jackson isn't the only one cleaning up these days, he's just the only one doing it with a smile. Here's to making a pig sty habitable.


February 2004

Kommon Kollege Komplaints | 2-29-04
Building names, textbook price fever, roommate whining and early classes. Not to mention grammatical errors. Everyone's guilty here.

Dwellings | 2-22-04
On-campus or off-campus? Obvious pros and cons make this decision about as easy as picking classes.

Valentine: The Aftermath | 2-15-04
A lot of Valentine's Day commentary is cynical…and for good reason. All the couples are too busy having sex.

Of Health and Hygiene | 2-8-04
Have you ever wondered why everything is always dirty and everyone is always sick? Don't worry, there's nothing you can do about it.

Sports and the College | 2-1-04
Not since Saved by the Bell and AC Slater has the subject of jocks seen so much attention. Even the mathletes get their two seconds.


January 2004

Sex and College | 1-25-04
Sausage fests, roommate sex codes, casual sex, virginal temptation and internet pornography. You know, just your average Christian humor column.

Group Projects | 1-18-04

Let It Melt | 1-11-04

Next Year in Jerusalem | 1-4-04


December 2003

I Am Worse Santa | 12-7-03


November 2003

College Hijinx | 11-30-03

The End-Of Semester Blues | 11-23-03

The Friendship Zone | 11-16-03

The Ultimate In Awkward | 11-9-03

Halloween, 1942 | 11-2-03


October 2003

On Tardiness | 10-26-03

Why I Can't Get a Real Job | 10-19-03

2nd Semi-Biannual Extra-Long Canadian Thanksgiving Special | 10-12-03

Poster Sales Are Just Another Way of Saying We Don't Like You | 10-5-03


September 2003

Casual Acquaintances and Why I Despise Them | 9-28-03

Party People | 9-21-03

Return of “Back ‘2' School Superspectacular,” Part II | 9-14-03

Back ‘2' School Superspectacular | 9-7-03


August 2003

200 Feet Short of a Mile-High | 8-31-03

Translated From the Chinese | 8-24-03

Hydro, Sanity and Other Things That Get Shut Off | 8-17-03

Things That Make You Go “Hmm…” | 8-10-03

How To Register For Classes | 8-3-03


July 2003

The World's Newest Profession | 7-27-03

The Little Barbershop of Horrors | 7-20-03

Road Trips, Part II | 7-13-03

Road Trips (Or, God's Way of Promoting the Airline Industry) | 7-6-03


June 2003

Don't Drink the Water, or Touch It | 6-29-03

Matinee | 6-22-03

The Only Car-Buyer's Guide You'll Ever Need | 6-15-03

On This Sabbath Day | 6-8-03

Have You Had Your Break Today? | 6-1-03


May 2003

Earning Your Bachelor's in Ice and Bling Bling | 5-25-03

How I Spent My Summer Vacation | 5-17-03

Job Hunt 2003 | 5-11-03

One Last Passover Joke and Then I Swear I'm Done For Real This Time | 5-4-03


April 2003

The Best Wednesday I've Had All Week | 4-27-03

I Want My Chocolate Bunny, Damnit | 4-20-03

Homeward Bound (The Incredible Journey) | 4-13-03

The Great Cafeteria Heist | 4-6-03


March 2003

Second-Hand Smoking Leads to Second-Hand Coolness | 3-30-03

Measuring Coolness By the Size of One's Backpack | 3-23-03

The Joys of Mortgaging Your Future | 3-16-03

Sharing Beer, Germs and Bad Music | 3-9-03

Why Evictions Always Happen On Somebody's Birthday | 3-2-03


February 2003

Spring Break at Ground Zero | 2-23-03

I Choo-Choo-Choose You | 2-16-03

Just Because We're Neighbours Doesn't Mean We're Friends | 2-9-03

The Young and the Homeless | 2-2-03


January 2003

I Think I Earned That Free Mug | 1-26-03

The Mating Call of the Loser | 1-19-03

Poorly Timed Topical Jokes About Christmas Shopping and New Year's Eve | 1-12-03


December 2002

Apologies/Martyrdom | 12-8-02

Imbeciles/Devalued | 12-1-02


November 2002

Restoration/Thievery | 11-24-02

Nocturne/Rohypnol | 11-17-02

Singular/Disremember | 11-10-02

Vehicular/Celebratory | 11-3-02


October 2002

Telegram/Arachnid | 10-26-02

Pyrotechnic/Recreational | 10-20-02

Hallmark/Oddity (Special Extra Long Thanksgiving Weekend Edition) | 10-13-02

Disorient/Dejected | 10-6-02


September 2002

Prohibition/Promiscuity | 9-29-02

ID/Apocrypha | 9-23-02

In the Beginning… | 9-17-02


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