>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 88 – July 4, 2004

“The Choice of a Less-Gloomy Tomorrow”

Now Playing: “I Like That” by Houston

This week the once-great nation of Canada held its federal election, and it was certainly a disappointing showing for the Tories as the Grits held on to a strong minority, no doubt propped up by the central role given to the left-leaning NDP. If you understood more than one third of the words in that first sentence, it means you are a witch. Stop reading now and go burn yourself at the stake. No sane human being understands Canadian politics, which is why I have taken it upon myself to run for Prime Minister of Canada and El Jefe Spectacular of this planet (Earth). Since it is customary for all potential world leaders to present some sort of platform or else take over the country by El Grande Revolucion, here's what happened:

Drugs: There has been a lot of talk about decriminalizing marijuana, but many people don't understand the difference between decriminalization and legalization, partly because it is a complex subject and partly because there is none. I favor mandatory marijuana consumption, especially among moms right before their kids' soccer games. Those bitches could use some mellowing out.

Crime: Unlike many of the other sissy-ass “politicians” out there, I am not afraid to make a stand: I oppose crime. I think crime is bad. I want to see it stopped. That is why I favor the death penalty, particularly for such felonies as jaywalking, wearing “FCUK” apparel, belonging to a gang or minority group, and stealing my brother's Game Boy out of the minivan in the Wal-Mart parking lot. I parked for five minutes to pick up some batteries and left the window open by accident. I hope you die slowly. P.S. You're going to need some fresh AA's if you want to make use of that bad boy. I left them in the glove compartment for your convenience, asshole.

Taxes: Have you ever gone to the store to purchase a carton of cigarettes that cost, oh, I don't know, $14.99? And then you get to the checkout line with your one carton and somehow the total comes to $84.57? And then you ask “How can this be?” and the perky cashier who will never ever go out with you answers “That's taxes for you!” As El Jefe Spectacular, I will ensure that the price you see is the price you pay, so future generations of smokers won't be able to do any math at all. And really, what's cooler than a smoking, numerically-impaired dude who can't even score a date with the girl at the checkout line?

Health Care: All people should be entitled to quality health-care, regardless of their ability to pay. However, qualified doctors are a demanding bunch, and some of them actually insist on being paid money in exchange for their work, if you can believe it. They think they're so darn special, going to school for 15 years. This is why I recommend poor people receive the same quality health care rich people do, only instead of receiving it from qualified “doctors,” poor people will be treated by shamans, warlocks and 11th century faith healers who still believe in the four humours and in bleeding out the illness. I think my plan will not only save billions in medicare costs, but also result in a steady decline of poor people. Everybody wins!

Education: I don't know what the big deal is. If you ask the children what THEY want in an education system they'll say “summer vacation all year long!” Then they'll probably go back to eating oversweetened breakfast cereal with the same texture as PEZ and watching cartoons with names like “The Super-Fantastic Mutant Fun Friends and Product Placement Hour.” Why not listen to your customers?

Gay Marriage: I was opposed to gay marriage until I realized I didn't need to have one. In all seriousness, though (if seriousness was a word, which to the best of my knowledge it isn't) the problem with permitting gay marriage is that gay people have a tendency to make everything they do disgusting. Take gay bars (no, please, take them): No other themed bar is as universally reviled as the gay bar. You go to a redneck bar, you see a bunch of rednecks drinking. You go to a strip bar, you see a bunch of strippers stripping. You go to an Irish pub, well you get the idea. But gay bars are the only bars in the world that contain more than the federally permissible daily quota of Gloria Gaynor AND pre-op transsexuals parading around in fishnet stockings and pink wigs, looking like Jem and the Holograms on mescaline. I don't want to see any weddings like that.

Iraq: What's been lost in the whole WMD fiasco and the Saddam-9/11 conundrum is the very simple notion that IRAQ WAS A TOTALITARIAN SHITHOLE. Michael Moore would have you believe the place was fucking Club Med before the United States moved in and sullied up the place. As El Jefe Spectacular I will not only support the war effort in Iraq but also invade any of those other craphole countries until every single goddamn avenue and dirt road on this planet (Earth) has a Kentucky Fried Chicken AND a Gap. And I won't make up any bullshit “Weapons of Mass Destruction” excuses before bulldozing innocent people's houses, either. It'll just be “No KFC here? Get out the cluster bombs. It's moving day!”

Abortion: One side's pro-life and the other's pro-choice. How can two opposing sides of the same debate both be “pro”? One of these sides is a filthy, filthy liar. As El Jefe Spectacular, I will find out which side this is and abort them Auschwitz-style. Too soon?

-Quote of the Moment: Gun Control: My friend and campaign manager, who wishes to be referred to only as “Horace the Enchanted Talking Wombat”: “All guns should be banned, except handguns for policemen and rifles for hunters and animated sawed-off shotguns in Unreal Tournament. Also, there should be a morning-after pill for gunshot victims, sort of like the one they have for defective birth control.” Horace also calls the Second Amendment a “typographical error” and the founding fathers “a bunch of shrooming sociopaths,” but that's to be expected of someone who shares needles.

Economy: The road to a stable economy is paved with the concrete of low unemployment, and the cracks must be filled with the tar of poorly-drawn analogies. I vow to create thousands of jobs, mostly in call centers in India. Every time you call customer service, you will not understand a word they say because of their thick accent and poor phone manner. Eventually you will give up trying to get your VCR working, and instead go buy a new one from Best Buy. You will probably be pressured into purchasing an extended warranty as well, which is sort of a warranty for your warranty and you know it's a good deal because the Best Buy people want you to buy it so much. I'm sure they'd be happy to sell you an extended warranty even if you DON'T purchase the VCR. Soon, over 75% of the nation's purchases will be for extended Best Buy warranties, which has to be good for the economy somehow. I don't know how the economy works, exactly. Hold on, I'll ask Horace.