>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 103 – October 17, 2004

“A Phrase I'm Tired Of Already”

Now Playing: “Back in the Day” by Erykah Badu

I hope you're all ready for a trip down Memory Lane, geographically located down the block from Know Your Role Boulevard. You get it? That's what the WWF Superstar “The Rock” used to say before they got sued by the World Wildlife Federation and had to change their name to the WWE and totally sold out. Ha ha! It's funny because it references the past! And now, for plenty more, here's what happened:

-Back in the day, I used the word “ironic” all the time, even when it was clearly the wrong word to use. I'd say shit like, “Ironically, I was late for class today.” And, “Ironically, I like cheese.” Now I never use the word, because I don't really understand it and I'm pretty sure every usage is incorrect. It's all because of that goddamn song. When life goes sour, I blame Alanis.

-Back in the day, my favorite movie of all time was “The Wizard of Oz.” Then someone told me that movie was gay, so now I'm not allowed to like it, because let's face it, I'm all man. I don't like the fact that homosexuals can just co-opt a movie or similar artwork and make it gay in the process. Next thing you know I'll be told I can't listen to Gloria Gaynor in my underpants when I have company over. Where does it stop?

-Back in the day, I couldn't fathom how someone could become a stalker. Did they just wake up one morning and buy a telescope and a lawn chair so they could be more comfortable sitting in the shrubbery outside Kinko's bathroom window? Also, is there even one stalker story that ended well? Like, “I watched her sleep every night for three months, and now we're married!” Has that ever happened? Okay, that didn't really have anything to do with “back in the day,” but I really needed to let that out.

-Back in the day, my school gave me a cubbyhole in which to place my personal belongings, while all the other schools got actual lockers that locked and stuff. Boy was I jealous. Now I'm in college and I have to tote everything I own between classes along with me like some Mesopotamian Nomad. I would kill for a cubbyhole right now.

-Back in the day, I was really good at video games. I could play Mario without falling into the bottomless chasm of infinity OR accidentally touching a Goomba. No longer. If I try to play a video game now, the little man I'm controlling kills himself within three seconds of the start of the game. If he cannot find a molten lava pit to jump into, sometimes my little man brings along some virtual cyanide capsules just to be sure that I never get farther in any video game than the part that asks you to enter your name (I call myself “Lieutenant Poopypants”).

-Back in the day, I used to actually BUY things. Like if a CD came out from a band I liked, I would go to the store and pay actual money I stole out of a panhandler's baseball cap in exchange for music, rather than just getting it for free on the Internet. Or if there was a movie coming out on video, I would go all the way over to Blockbuster and pay them for the privilege of watching said movie instead of just sitting at my computer and downloading it and then, 846 hours later, watching some German woman have sex with a Schnauzer in a grainy AVI file mistakenly labeled “Disney's Pocahontas.” All that seems so silly now.

-Back in the day, my friends and I could keep each other entertained for hours just by spitting at each other. Now we have Satellite TV, three video game systems (all of which I suck at), cars, and an almost unlimited supply of parents' money, and still the number one phrase any of us ever use is: “I'm bored, what do you want to do now?” Also, I can no longer answer anybody by spitting at them without getting my ass kicked.

-Back in the day, Text-Heavy was actually about college, and the wacky misadventures I had. Then I realized that writing jokes about my life was almost as sad as keeping a LiveJournal. Actually, if you count the number of friends and events I had to invent just to make the stories coherent, you could say the early Text-Heavies were even SADDER than keeping a LiveJournal. No, wait, I can't back that up. Nothing is sadder than LiveJournal.

-Back in the day, I was told by parents, teachers, and obese Wiccan social workers that I should stay away from drugs and alcohol because if I didn't my life would spiral into a pit of round spirals and I would never make it into college. Now I'm in college, and the only lesson I've retained is that grown-ups are dirty liars.

-Back in the day, I hated King of the Hill. All the characters spoke too slowly and had really odd-shaped lips. Some things never change.