>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 114 – January 30, 2005

“‘Adequate' Raves Newsweek”

Now Playing: “Zion” by Fluke

When it comes to failing at love, I have more experience than a Candace Bushnell fan club (booya!). And since brevity is the soul of wit, which is a phrase I'm sure you've all heard before but probably didn't know was from Hamlet, here's what happened:

-Where do people who don't drink go on dates? You can't take them to a bar, a party, a bar mitzvah, nothing. It must just be dinner and a movie every night until you get married. (Incidentally, dinner and a movie is a BAD idea if you're dating the blind.)

-I could have made a “blind date” joke at the end of that last paragraph but I didn't. And people say I show no restraint…

-Which brings me to the topic of today's moderately amusing column: “Do Not Date This Girl.” (Brought to you by Yogen Fruz.) The column that identifies and then proceeds to demean various girls whom even Internet nerds should keep away from. (This means you.) (Just kidding.) (Or am I?) Here we go:

-Exhibitionist-Girl: This girl shows promise when she's all over you at a party, but if you take the bait a few months down the line you'll find out she only did it on a dare from her way-bigger-than-you boyfriend Pedro. You will be further shocked to discover that Pedro videotaped the whole event and now you're one of the most downloaded people on the Internet. Way more than me. Avoid.

-Foreign-Exchange-Girl: This one seems obvious to most sane readers, but you'd be amazed how many people fall for the trap of dating someone you will never see once they go back to their home continent. Oh sure you might carry some romantic notion that you'll both move away together, but if you actually find yourself moving to a different continent you'll discover everyone there is disease ridden (South America, Asia), flamboyant (Europe, “Australia”), or both (Africa). I might not be getting that summer job at the UN but it'll be worth it if you Avoid.

-LiveJournal-Girl: What is there to say about a girl who posts the color that most resembles her mood on a public forum every fifteen minutes? If the girl of your dreams keeps a LiveJournal you can bet she's not only telling her friends how small your wee-wee is, she's writing terrible poetry about it and publishing it for the worldto recoil. The only reason to ever approach someone who keeps a LiveJournal is to beat them with a socket wrench like an Arabian throw rug. Avoid. And God I hate LiveJournal.

-Bisexual-Girl: Sounds sexy, doesn't it? If a girl tells you she is bisexual it does not mean “I am attracted to women as well as to men.” It means: “I am attracted to women more than I am attracted to you.” Bisexual-girl will cheat on you after two and a half banana daiquiris and all your friends willmake fun of you because you were dumped for some cooter—which let's face it is a pretty funny word. Ugh, Avoid.

-Allergy-Girl: Oh sure you think it's cute that she's allergic to peanuts NOW. But a few months down the line you'll be enjoying a delicious “Oh Henry” bar, or perhaps a tasty Yogen Fruz low-fat smoothie, and you find out that when they say “this product may contain traces of nuts” it really means “you just killed your girlfriend, you card.” Unless you can afford a costly funeral and burial service I say Avoid.

-Home-Schooled-Girl: If a girl was home-schooled it means she's either terribly religious or allergic to the sun. And while there might be some appeal to having a preachy, fundamentalist vampire type to share those special moments with, it's usually just not worth the therapy bill. I mean because she probably has some issues to sort out, not because she might get a gang of Cambodian midgets to molest you in the name of the Egyptian sun god Ra, and you'd try to get away but end up getting run over by lemurs, and that's why you were in therapy. But you probably already assumed that. Definite Avoid.

-Varsity-Athlete-Girl: Besides the obvious “she could crush me like a twig” angle, there are many reasons to avoid dating a varsity athlete. First, her sport WILL be more important than your relationship. Second, you will be the woman and she will be the man. And third, after a big game her cooter will smell like a dead fish in an old sock. And since you're never going to get that simile out of your head I guess that's a big Avoid.