An objectively opinionated exposé of current collegiate issues and quirks of the modern world, without regard for accuracy or morals.

Column Archives | 2007, 2006

July 2007

Point and Counterpointless, Vol. 2 | 7-18-07
All you need to know about deaf sex, cucumber love, hedgehogs, and the definition of a sausage fest. Guest advisor: Court Sullivan

April 2007

The Declaration of Co-Dependence | 4-29-07
When, in the course of human events, one deems it necessary to form ties with another, then a union shall be formed. But not without rules.

Enemies of The State | 4-23-07
As long as the media execs' pockets are getting fat, they'll continue to shove fast-food comedy down our throats. Mmm, tastes so… generic.

So It Goes: Tribute to Kurt Vonnegut | 4-15-07
With the current state of things, our culture is at a loss for more than just a great writer. We could all use a little Kurt Vonnegut in us.

Black by Popular Demand | 4-8-07
The legendary Et Nola has returned from faraway lands. He thanks you for filling his inbox, but he can't stay and cuddle. You know how it is.

January 2007

Man vs. Menses: The Vicious Cycle | 1-7-07
You may find yourself over your head when the red tide flows in. But come hell or high water, you've got to show her how much you care.

December 2006

New Year's Revolutions | 12-31-06
Even if you are a hero bachelor, not everything revolves around you. Save yourself the trouble and put the suit away every now and then.

The Pursuit of Sappyness | 12-17-06
To fully understand your current love life, you must start by analyzing the crissed-crossed crushes of your childhood friends.

No Cure for Senioritis | 12-3-06
Twilight is falling on your college career. Should you reminisce about the memories of the past 4 to 6 years or drink until you forget them?

November 2006

Exploiting the Most Out of the Holidays | 11-19-06
The Holidays are all about catching women on your tongue like snowflakes. If you don't like what you got, just return it.

Well-Hung: A Week in Review | 11-12-06
Tough Luck, Saddam, looks like your noose is cooked. But hey, speaking of funny-sounding foreigners, have you seen Borat?

Lights, Camera, Achtung! (Baby) | 11-5-06
Now, for my final trick, I will make thousands of American soldiers disappear. But first, is that a quarter behind your ear? I need that.

October 2006

Exes and Oh's | 10-15-06
Amidst all the whirlwind craziness surrounding your exes, there is a way to find the eye of the storm. Once there, engage in forceful sex.

Danger: Platonic Zone Ahead | 10-8-06
Wait a minute, this isn't Pleasuretown! Girl, where are you taking us? I knew I shouldn't have let you navigate this relationship.

Thelonious Pipe-Layre's Introductory Guide to Dating | 10-1-06
Whether it's dinner or just coffee, each type of date warrants an appropriate strategy. Find your angle, and then take her out.

September 2006

Skipping Class: No Longer Just for Fairies | 9-24-06
Walking the line between high and low brow, you'll find that having class often gets in the way of gawking at the many fine campus ladies.

Survival of the Falsest | 9-17-06
According to artificial selection, staying true to yourself will only get you eliminated. Who was that, Charles Darwin or the admissions board?

Ye Olde College Try | 9-10-06
Literate bartenders everywhere agree it's half National Enquirer, half Dear Abby, half Jerry Springer. Mix well and garnish with calculator.

Putting the Laughter Back in Manslaughter | 9-3-06
Breaking news: The Scholarly Tabloid gets a makeover! No, it's not a smear campaign, just a reinvention of humorous social commentary.

August 2006

Say, You Want a Revolution? | 8-13-06
At the moment, our foresight is a little askew, and our focus short-sighted, but a new age awaits as soon as we turn off the HD surround.

Whipped Into Submissions | 8-7-06
When your mind is tied up with sex, it's hard to get a safety word in edgewise. Bite the hand that needs you, if you're into that sorta thing.

July 2006

It's Hard Out Here for a Gimp | 7-30-06
When your biting sarcasm is too tongue-in-cheek for your audience, you must bite your tongue lest your words fall on confused ears. Right?

The Taming of the You | 7-23-06
Finding your identity in a society bombarding you with labels requires peeling back the layers. Uh-oh, you were made in a sweatshop.

Keepin' It Surreal | 7-16-06
When you're an AC/DC on the black/white spectrum, sometimes you have to grab the Et Nola and define yourself in stereo.

Ripping the “New” Asshole | 7-2-06
Hey Asshole, I know you like to talk shit, but you're not clever. Nice guys finish last, unlike your emotionally unsatisfied girlfriend.

June 2006

Warning Signs: A Cautionary Tale | 6-11-06
This article may contain the following: razor-sharp wit, biting satire, and vicious sarcasm. Watch for jokes flying over your head.

May 2006

Trading Spaces: The Home Edition | 5-28-06
Moving is a challenging, emotional journey of one's mind and soul. Box up your heavy heart, and make your friends carry it.

Off-Color Humor: Fun with Blackface! | 5-14-06
George Bush might not care about black people, but do black people themselves even care about our nation's issues? Heck maybe!

April 2006

Too Cool for School | 4-30-06
The study of thermodynamics tells us that the opposite of hot is cool. Popping one's collar significantly blocks the sun and not the cock.

Dishonesty: A Policy Worth Copying | 4-24-06
The reports are in, the investigation is closed, the data has been analyzed…and plagiarized: college students like to cheat.