Many things happen when a girl becomes pregnant. Her stomach expands. She becomes irrational and moody. She gets cravings for random kinds of food…oh, wait—that's when she's drunk. Or is it both?

Pregnant girl holding a drink and cigarette
This can't go well…together?
Up until now there has been little scientific evidence on the mental and physical differences between drunken girls and pregnant girls. But this is mainly because halfway through each study the scientists mix up their notes, which is understandable considering they are exactly the same.

I'm here to put an end to the madness so men will be able to tell, once and for all, if a girl is pregnant or just really, really hammered.

Here, presented in full, is the first ever interview with Ms. Drunk and Ms. Pregnancy.

Me: Welcome, ladies.

Drunk: Jäger is SOOOO good!!

Pregnancy: I want Mexican food.

Me: Great. So, besides being able to ruin lives, tear apart families, kill people and cause never-ending political turmoil, how do you two affect the female physique? You go first, Ms. Pregnancy.

Pregnancy: Well Allen, over the course of nine months I make her stomach extremely large.

Me: And you, Ms. Drunk?

Pregnancy:  I wouldn't say I ruin an individual's life so much as I begin a never-ending string of anguish and pain.Drunk: I also make the female's stomach larger over time, but I can also add fat to other parts of the body, such as the legs, ass, lower back…

Me: So that's the difference, then? The areas in which you are able to tack on weight?

Pregnancy: Actually I can do that as well, because when I get in a girl she gets bizarre, uncontrollable urges to eat copious amounts of every kind of food available.

Me: But isn't that extra food for the fetus?

Pregnancy: The fetus weighs less than your average Harry Potter book; how much Ben & Jerry's can it eat?

Me: Good call. Glad we cleared up that scapegoat. What about you, Ms. Drunk—any food cravings brought on by yourself?

Drunk: I'd have to say yes, Mr. Bash. Just last night I was with a really cute girl and I made her walk this poor boy all the way down to Pizza Hut to get bread sticks. Extra mozzarella. She had just eaten dinner. It didn't matter. She was approaching Neanderthal brain activity at that point.

Me: I see…so you both make chicks fat. Fantastic. Let's move on to craziness.

Pregnancy: I think I've got that one on lock down, Allen, because if I back up my borderline insanity by rambling about hormonal imbalances, I can do anything, and if the guy gets mad then he's a bad father—major guilt trip.

Me: Good call. Your response, Ms. Drunk?

Drunk: Pregnancy makes a good point, but the extent to which she can be crazy cannot reach that of a blacked-out girl.

Pregnancy: True, true.

Drunk: I can yell at a guy for something my ex-boyfriend did, cry for hours over absolutely nothing, punch people and steal things, complain and bitch about pointless bullshit and expect people to listen to me, scream and shout and moan and whine, then blame it all on the booze. If I were sober they'd put me in a straight jacket, but since I'm drunk they just ignore me and put their dicks in my mouth. But not usually in that order.

Me: Wow—drunk girls sure are fucking stupid!

Drunk: They sure are Allen—but they're sluttier, so it evens out.

Me: Why yes, yes it does…moving on to social stigmas: how do you feel you fare in this category?

Drunk: Well, when I'm hanging out with high school and college girls I'm the life of the party, but sometimes when I'm with older women they cry alone and scream into the pillow.

Pregnancy: If I'm with a married girl between the ages of 20 and 35 I'm fine, but then I get inside some 50-year-old post-menopausal bitch and all of a sudden science wants to study me! Not to mention that 11-year-old slut I had to deal with…

Me: Sounds pretty heavy. How about ruining lives? You're both pretty good at that, right?

Drunk: I'm responsible for over 85,000 deaths per year! And that's not even counting subsidiary deaths like when people get drunk stumble off rooftops. There's also the relationships I shatter, the families I tear apart…

Pregnancy: I wouldn't say I ruin an individual's life so much as I begin a never-ending string of anguish and pain. See, the girl doesn't want the kid so she neglects it, the kid grows up all traumatized and neglects her kid as well, and before you know it I've created an army of emotionally-devoid pseudo-humans!

Me: Simply spectacular. What about being able to do things while drunk or pregnant that you can't do otherwise?

Pregnant: I can cut in front of people in line and they don't say anything because they know I'm probably off my fucking rocker and could blow up on them at the slightest provocation.

Drunk: I can run around naked and break things and steal drinks and nobody even questions it!

Me: Wow, uh…so you two seem to get along pretty well?

Pregnancy: Of course we do—Drunk is the reason I'm here!

Me: Well, that concludes our interview. So what did we learn?

Drunk: That even though the mindset of your typical drunk girl is a disjointed vat of irrational absurdity, most guys put up with me because it's easier to get laid?

Pregnancy: That even though I'm a constant worry on the sexually active male's mind and can totally fuck up his life, career and general happiness, he's accepted me as an unavoidable risk in laying pipe?

Me: So true it almost makes me not hate you. Shots?

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