Ladies and gentlemen, I have a secret. I have been living a lie for years now and I think it's about time I told you the truth. I am not a natural brunette. The carpets don't match the drapes, if you will. I am a blonde. I know what most of you are thinking: why does she think I would actually give a shit about this? Well, it's my column and I'll write about whatever I want so shut up. I'm sure somewhere out there, there's a select few who are wondering why the hell I would try to cover up my blondeness when so many other women typically try to go the opposite route: brown to blonde.

Ashley Garmany blonde and brunette hair while drinking beers

After all, aren't blondes supposed to have more fun? Ultimately, I think people should be viewed based on their personalities—the kind of person you are, your morals and values. But since this is America, we all know that's a load of horse shit. We judge people based on their appearance and their appearance alone. Blondes are typically seen as fun and bubbly (see: Paris Hilton), brunettes are typically seen as smart and sassy (see: Sarah Silverman), and redheads are seen as batshit crazy (see: Lindsay Lohan). I've had a variety of hair colors over the years, and I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that you are treated differently based on your hair color.

Evolution of Ashley Garmany's hair color from blonde to brunette

For example, when I decide to go au natural and wear my blonde tresses proudly, I get approached much more. The light hair seems to make men think they have a better chance with me, so when I would go out to bars, I would get hit on a lot more. However, as a blonde, I also got the stereotype of being ditzy. I think it caught a lot of people off guard when they discovered I was actually a huge bitch. Most of my friends told me that deep down, I had to be a brunette because of my personality. My bush begs to differ, but I began to experiment to see if my psychological theory was correct. In fact, as a psychology major at the University of Cincinnati, I did my thesis on this very topic. My hypothesis stated that in experimental research using different subjects with varying pigments of hair, social behavior towards these subjects would be dependent upon the color of the hair pigment.

Actually, I have no idea what the hell I just said, but you would be more inclined to believe I know what I'm talking about if I was a brunette than a blonde. Brunettes are more successful in the professional world, typically earn more money, and have more respect from their colleagues than blondes. Blondes get laid a lot more, though, I'm sure. So really, it's a catch-22. And the redheads? Well, no one really takes a redhead seriously, let's be honest. And if you're a redheaded male? You might as well just shoot yourself in the head now.

As a blonde, I was described as "silly" and "fun." As a brunette, those characteristics became "sarcastic" and "witty." So why does one person get such different descriptions based on hair color alone? Blonde hair is seen as all-American, brunette hair as exotic.

I've also noticed that women are much nicer to blondes than brunettes for the simple reason that brunettes are viewed more as bitchy and manipulative. I've been told my dark hair makes me unapproachable to men and intimidating to other women, more of a threat. Case in point (point in case):

Megan Fox - blonde vs. brunette 

Which version of Megan Fox would you rather have around your boyfriend, ladies?

Exactly. And since women are catty bitches anyway, my dark hair does nothing to help me make new female friends. I've considered going back to blonde or at least, a lighter color to make myself more approachable to people, but having dark hair cuts my work in half: it saves me from having to talk to a lot of people I'd otherwise rather never exchange words with. Add in the fact that I have tattoos, and I'm pretty much seen by most women as "tacky" or "trashy" anyway. So if I'm going to do it, I'd prefer to go balls to the wall and keep the brown hair. That way I don't have to talk to you people.