>>> Points in Case
By staff writer Court Sullivan
Issue #8, February 2001
-I actually ventured up to the mysterious Northeast for a week over winter break to visit my girlfriend. Now, being from Alabama, I was obviously stereotyped for several things, but I also learned a great deal too: a) There are separate states in New England, and yes, they are each as small as they seem in the inset of your road atlas. I didn't even have a fucking clue we had driven into and out of Delaware, which apparently didn't matter anyway. b) “You're from Alabama, but you don't have an accent?” OK, let's get one thing straight, Southerners also make fun of rednecks and Alabama is not some state Hollywood built to film “Gone with the Wind.” c) You have to pay tolls to drive on every fucking road!! I mean, Alabama might not have the BEST roads, but they're not gravel and they're sure as hell FREE! And if there's one thing college students can appreciate, it's “free.” Free food, free shirts, free beer and freeways goddamnit!! d) There might be an ocean, but you can't go swimming… anywhere. e) New York City is actually a bunch of islands in New Jersey that formed when skyscrapers rose from the ocean floor during turbulent volcanic activity many years ago. Since then, the only signs of further activity have been daily eruptions of toxic fumes, large clouds of smoke and dust, and homeless men's urine. Scientists agree this is the cause of the “shittiest smell ever.”
-How often do you still refer to your friends’ regional differences? There’s “the North,” “the South,” “the West Coast” and then there’s places like “Ohio” and “Indiana” that don’t seem to count. Anytime somebody doesn’t know the “right” way to do something it’s always because, “Oh, he’s from up/down/out there.” And it’s like once you get to college you immediately have to start defending your hometown or else people won’t know what the hell to blame your faults on.
-I always hate getting back to school and having to finish picking classes that I didn't get into during the normal registration. There are so many factors that go into picking classes that it's just one big mindfuck. Does this class fulfill this, is that class too far away, is the teacher too hard, does it conflict with my science lab, will hot girls take this class, can I sleep through class on Thursdays and Fridays… and Mondays and Tuesdays, etc, what is my major again?
-How many of you deceived yourself into taking a class starting before 9AM because it sounded like a class you would really, really be interested in? OK, now pause and begin hitting yourself in the head with the nearest blunt object. Keep going. Now let's analyze the myth here: interest in a class overpowers sleep. As long as sleep can defeat the nearest, most powerful force of awakening—your alarm clock—it will always destroy any irrational thoughts such as “Hey, I would like to wake up and walk across campus to this class that I love because I'm a fucking idiot and I really don't think I need to sleep anymore.” Professors actually go out of their way to try to trick you by giving fancy, “cool-sounding” names to these early classes and writing elaborate, enticing course descriptions. Don't be fooled by these bastards! The cool-sounding classes always suck!!
-Have you ever noticed how everyone seems to get sick when they come back for second semester? This has everything to do with alcohol. In Issue #7 I referred to colleges as having a “campus alcoholic equilibrium.” Upon coming back to school, this equilibrium is immediately disrupted by mass consumption of “settling-in” alcohol. This is the initial week or so of alcohol, when you can afford to drink often before classes mean anything, in order to get your body reaccustomed to college standards. Subsequently, the equilibrium is upset, the student body immune system is weakened, and sickness prevails. It sucks, but by the time we rebound we're stronger, healthier and more ready to drink than ever!
-Well, Greek Rush just ended here recently and freshmen always make some important realizations along the way. Such as Amanda C., who decided to join a sorority new to Emory’s campus. When asked about why she joined this sorority she replied, “Well, all the other sororities already have stereotypes attached to them. Now we can create our OWN stereotypes!!” And if that weren’t profound enough, freshmen guys always seem to come up with the dumbest ass theories. When asked what was the most important thing he learned during rush, Alex S. said, “Alcohol poisoning is just a state of mind!” I’m guessing that’s one of those “decreased-awareness” states of mind.
-“First day of class” nomads. These are the people that seem to wander around aimlessly into random classes thinking it is the right one. They just stand inside the door and stare blankly at the class and then somehow decide they are in the wrong room. Then they leave without saying a thing and everyone stares at each other like, “What the hell was THAT?” Damn mute nomads!! Look at the room number or suck it up and pull out your schedule like a freshman, asshole!
-Remember when everyone told you before college that “Oh, it's your choice whether you go to class or not.” Bull shit!! Half my classes every semester have attendance requirements and every time I wanna yell at the professor, “But my parents said I didn't have to go if I didn't want to, that's the way college is!!” It's almost like as soon as there is mandatory attendance, it becomes a power struggle between you and the professor, whereas if it weren't required, you feel genuinely good about making the “mature decision.” Of course, that falls under being responsible, which is another college ideal that doesn’t happen very often.
-Don't you love those first 5 minutes when you go into class the day of a really hard exam and everybody in the room is like, “Yeah, I'mgonna fail this sooo bad man!!” and someone else is like, “No! I'm gonna do so much worse than you!!” Eventually you kind of stop worrying about the exam, because hey, if everyone's gonna fail, who gives a fuck! Then the professor hands out the exam, the class goes quiet, and your dreams of collective class failure shatter as most people begin to look like they actually know what they're doing. Traitors!! Betrayal!!
-So the shittiest thing Emory is doing lately is to slowly make the entire campus a walking campus. Now this wouldn’t be SO bad, but there’s also another new initiative: make the remaining service vehicles that ARE allowed to drive around electric-powered. They’re normal sizes cars and trucks that are designed to kill students because they don’t make any fucking noise!! You can’t hear them coming! Next thing you know, massive silent shuttles are going to be maiming mute nomads! What’s going on here?!
-Here’s a common occurrence: it’s about 8 or 9PM and you’re about to go over to a small pre-party before going out to a club or something. What do you do? You pre-game in your room of course!! It makes absolutely no sense, but it’s in our nature to drink before we go to anything—including a pre-party! The other day, we were actually about to go to a club early for an hour and a half of free drinks and my friend starts pounding shots of vodka in his room… we’re going to get FREE drinks you idiot, what the fuck are you DOING!!
-How about this one: you want to go out to eat before drinking, but one of your friends insists that you go to the cheapest fast food restaurant. He proceeds to order a plain taco, the cheapest burrito and a small water from Taco Bell. The total comes to like 56 cents and he congratulates himself on being the brokest college student on campus. Time passes, and you find yourselves at a bar, where to your amazement this asshole is buying shot after shot, pitcher after pitcher for himself and everyone he talks to!! What the hell happened to “hold the cheese on that burrito!!” I can just see this guy’s mom calling and asking, “So, are you eating well honey?” To which he replies, “No, but I’m drinkin’ like a fuckin’ champ!”