>>> Points in Case
By staff writer Court Sullivan
Issue #2 – December 1999
-Every time I have my 10 AM class, it's like a fucking war zone in my room. It's me and my roommate against the alarm clocks. And believe me, we may only be human, but by God we fight like hell! The first one to go off sounds like a fire alarm…I struggle to find it on the floor and give it a good whack. Then the second one goes off one minute later (because I know I always turn off the first one unconsciously). Then my roommate's buzzes across the room and he runs over to battle it. Then the fire alarm one goes off again because I hit the snooze button instead of turning it off. It's fucking chaos, but hey, sleep is so little and so precious.
-It's amazing what people choose to display in their dorm rooms. First, you have the “alcohol museum.” Those are the people who decide that every bottle of liquor they drink is worthy of being showcased in some temporary gallery in their room. Like I've never seen a bottle of Captain Morgan's before!! Personally, if the bottle's empty, it's just taking up space for next weekend's supply. Even kids whose parents still think they don't drink (Lord have mercy) will move this gallery to the main collection in their room at home saying they “found the bottles on frat row.” Then there's the random shit rooms. These people find any- and everything appropriate for the wall. Magazine cutouts, pieces of shirts or string, receipts boasting “most expensive alcohol run,” and basically anything else that would just as likely be found in a trash can all litter the walls. Then there's the “test show-offs.” These people find it amusing to rub their A on the calculus test in your face by taping it to the door. As if I want to see where my procrastination is NOT going to get me when I’m wandering around the fucking dorm. Several other's include the “popular poster” room (where you can find the top 5 posters that everyone else has too from that poster day at the beginning of the year), the “my friends archives” room (where every square inch of the bulletin boards is covered with friends from home) and the blank wall room (as if studying somehow became possible in your room and the posters are more of a distraction than the guy's stereo across the hall).
-How many times have you been bombarded by credit card offers?! Every time I walk into the cafeteria there's a new person giving away something free if you sign up for something. I've signed so many things just to get free stuff that I'm probably in a legal mess right now. But that's ok, it was FREE!!
-You know what's really weird, is when you're taking a shit next to someone in the bathroom in your hall. It's definitely someone you know and you probably know exactly who by their shoes (hopefully not their underwear), but what do you say to them? To me, sitting on the toilet is usually the only time I can sit and reflect without any stress for at least a few minutes during the day and ill be goddamned if it's gonna get complicated by this situation! Don't we have a Constitutional right to privacy or something that covers this?
-You know what pisses me off is when the cafeteria comes up with some kind of real food that you enjoy eating during the time when people are signing up for meal plans at the end of the semester. Where the hell does this food come from?! It certainly wasn't made by the same university kitchen that serves slop the rest of the semester. But it's just enough to give you a little hope that the food might get better. This is as far from the truth as it gets!! Now that they have a few more dollars in their pockets, they can sit back and reheat the same shit all next semester too!
-Did you know that leaving sweaty clothes at the bottom of your laundry basket can actually cause fungus to grow on them? I thought that only applied to food and stuff. Fuck me!
-It's funny how college can distort the reality of doing work. In high school, it took us half a semester to write a research paper, including separate due dates for note cards, outlines, and rough drafts. In college, you might save only two nights for it: one for making that once-a-month trip across campus to the library for resources and one to write the first-and-final copy. If you're lucky, you might even wake up from that little “keyboard nap” in time to print it out AND press speell-check before class the same morning!
-I was always told that you can't be thirsty and need to piss at the same time. If this is true, all rules are off the morning after a hard night of drinking. The combination of the need to drink water and the need to urinate is so strong that it actually causes me to get out of bed on Saturday morning. If only they could harness the power of this force into the sound of an alarm clock! I would have fucking perfect attendance and I would be deaf in both ears!!