>>> Points in Case
By staff writer Court Sullivan
Issue #12 – October 2001

-Remember freshman year when you had no idea WHAT you would really need when you got to college? There were so many things you thought you would need, yet at the same time you didn’t want to look like the only person moving your entire room from home? And now that I’m a junior and know exactly what I need, I’m too fucking lazy to pack it all. Every now and then over the summer, I would get this vision of unloading a U-Haul full of nice furniture and food and shit into my room at school, but of course I only ended up bringing whatever I happened to think of the day or two before leaving.

-Have you ever popped open a beer and just kind of poured that first sip right past your mouth and onto your shirt like a retard? Then someone will go, “Hahaha…look at your drunk ass” and you kind of pretend to be, even though you know damn well it’s your first beer.

-I asked this kid the other day why he wasn’t going on the road trip he was planning all semester. He said, “Well, I guess I just didn’t take all the hidden costs into consideration.” Oh, I see, like gas and beer? Fucking idiot.

-Speaking of gas, my Dad said I have to pay for my own at school this semester. This led to my first question ever in economics: “Can’t we apply some of this shit we’re learning to lower gas prices or something?” Oh yeah, by the way, I’m an econ major now. The amazing part is that I actually made that decision before I knew I’d have to pay for my own gas!

-I can’t believe how many times still that I’ll be talking to faculty or professors and they’ll suddenly get this patronizing smile and say, “Oh, you must be a freshman, right?” I’m like, “No, actually I’m a JUNIOR, but you must be an asshole, right? Nice to meet you.”

-A lot of people go buy used textbooks that are as “unused” as possible. This is completely illogical. Always buy the most “used” looking textbook possible, then sit in the front of class with it on the few days you decide to attend so it looks to the professor like you’ve actually spent time reading/using it…and possibly even highlighted hundreds of pages.

-I love how unprepared we college students are for the real workforce. Take one of my friends who had an internship interview recently: first, I went over his nice little resume with him to make sure all the bullshit was in the right place (in addition to sounding ambiguous enough in the event the employer might actually bring it up); then he researched this small company by searching Google (eventually finding “success” in an ex-employee’s online journal on the third page of results); next, he watched extensive online clips of Clinton interviews in case any potentially non-answerable questions arose; and finally, we froze a couple of jello shots for the undetectable “interview pre-game.” Then this kid says, “Oh, by the way, could you tie this tie for me?” I’m thinking, how the hell are we EVER going to get real jobs?!

-Have you ever had that sinking feeling of walking into class late and spotting the one open seat in the middle of a big auditorium-style classroom? And then you’re not exactly sure how to squeeze past 20 people’s legs, so you just kind of “bulldoze” a path using your backpack to smack people’s faces behind you, your knee to whiplash people’s heads in front of you, and your shoes to demolish backpacks, toes, and drinks on the ground? Hmm…come to think of it, it’s kind of fun pissing people off “accidentally.”

-You know, there’s nothing better than hearing about a failed hookup attempt. All those things you say in the haze of the moment just to help your chances, and then later wonder what the hell you were thinking, or possibly even talking about. Oh well, you know what they always say in college: hindsight is under .08% blood-alcohol content.

-Which leads me to a new tradition…the Failed Hookup Quote of the Month: This one brought to you by Josh P. of Emory. After a drunken moment of pre-hookup, “romantic” silence, he turns softly to this girl and whispers, “You know, when I look into your eyes…I can see myself.” Needless to say, that’s about all he saw for the rest of the night.

-My friend is taking a P.E. class here at Emory called “Backpacking.” We’re fucking college students!! We’re at the peak of our backpacking careers! What the hell are you going to teach me?!

-How about this one: some asshole comes to class like 15 minutes late trying to find a seat in the middle of a packed room and then decides to literally “bulldoze” a path right over you and the area you’ve spent 15 minutes settling into. Usually you kind of give the initial glance like, “What you’re gonna try to sit in THIS aisle??” Then you get fucked anyway.