Dear Fugly,

I'm looking for an apartment but the shitty economy has left me very poor. I recently read an ad on Craigslist offering a free studio. The only catch is that I would have to give the landlord a weekly "exotic massage"—whatever that is. Fugly, should I take the apartment? Do you think it's safe?

Homeless in Hoboken

Dear Homeless,

Considering Fugly is currently residing in the crawl space of a local crematorium, Fugs says: go for it! Fugly knows how difficult it can be to find a nice home. Some of Fugly's previous dwellings include: a covered wagon, a whale's belly, and the turbine room of the Titanic (Fugly's thick, leathery hide allowed her to swim the frigid seas to safety).

Fugly's not quite sure what an exotic massage is, but Fugly thinks it is when you go to the beach wearing a fun tropical hat with bananas and mangos on it, then put on a teeny bikini… and get a Chicago steamer, or perhaps the brutal, yet sexy Dead Man's Fist. Fugly won't go into details about the Dead Man's Fist, except to say: bring a bear trap, a turkey baster, and a can of Raid… then call Fugly so she can join in the fun.

A good rule of thumb in Fugly's book is: if it seems to good to be true, hurry and take it before someone else does.

Happy Trails,

Hey Mutt Face,

I like to service the townspeople with "oral pleasure," but afterwards I'm like a dog that's eaten too much peanut butter: I just can't get the man sauce out of my mouth! Fugly, what is the best drink to wash down jizzums? I'm sure a vile, filthy skank like you knows the answer.


Dear Ursula,

What an excellent question! In the early sixties, Fugly was allowed to live in the elevator shaft of the Sands Hotel & Casino in exchange for fellatio sessions with the Rat Pack between shows. Ahh, those were some good times. Fugly understands your predicament very well. Sammy Davis Junior shot super glue out of his onyx rolling pin and Sinatra sprayed liquid cement from his tiny golf pencil (those casino buffets are very taxing on the system). To clear the seed from Fugly's chops, Fugly would drink a cocktail of malt liquor, chocolate milk, and finish it off with a tablespoon of Fancy Feast.

These days, Fugly doesn't worry too much about seed-removal. Since most of Fugly's fangs have decomposed with time, Fugly keeps the love serum and uses it to secure her dentures. It's nature's Polident.

Anyhow, if fellatio is your passion you might as well yank out your teeth—it makes for much more fulfilling love romps.

Happy Blowing!

What's Up Fugly?

I think Brangelina's celebu-spawn, Baby Shiloh, is just adorable! But her mouth is always hanging open. Fugly, do you think she has autism? I'm sure you've shat out enough disabled offspring to know the answer. What do you think?

You're ugly,

Dear Glenda,

It's true, Fugly has birthed many mangled creatures. The majority of Fugly's spawn couldn't make Fugly a profit on the black market, so the kind gentlemen at the Coney Island Freak Show offered Fugly a Model T and a red taffeta petticoat in exchange for the litter of cycloptic werewolf girls I birthed in the summer of 1934. It makes ‘ole Fugly salivate to think of the fortune Baby Shiloh could generate on the black market. To answer your question, no, she's not autistic. Her mouth is open because she longs to suckle Angelina's supple tattooed hooters… just like Fugly.