>>> Three Beers Deep
By staff writer Chris Phelan
December 20, 2006

So it seems that the powers that be here at PIC have decided I deserve my own column. Maybe that decision stems from the fact that I have been kicking the crap out of the front page for the past few months… or maybe Court lost a bet to me. Who really knows, right? Either way, this column is going to be a lot of things—random, irreverent, possibly even funny. Who knows, maybe I won’t even last a week.

This is Three Beers Deep, baby. Enjoy.

The premise for this week’s throwdown is pretty simple: a recent conversation with my buddies at the bar left us wondering, “Exactly what are the worst traits a girl could have?”

Right off the bat, we eliminated “terrible in bed.” Why? Because you can sleep with the hottest, most amazing girl you’ve ever met and this is how the conversation will go:

You: Dude, I hooked up with Hotty McHotHot last night.
How was she?
Hot. Like she was a fire and my weiner was the extinguisher.
No, I mean… how was she?
Who cares man! I got laid AND she was hot. That’s like… well… come on, I just gave you a great analogy.
Yeah, but—
…Get out.

“You meet this girl, think she's great… but whoops, she's a big whore.”

So that crosses “terrible in bed” off the list. However, here are the five remaining traits—the five worst traits a girl could possibly have.

1. Very Ugly

Maybe I'm being shallow when I say this—alright yeah, I’m definitely being shallow when I say this—but I just don't want to associate with ugly girls. It's that simple. You're ugly? See ya later.

I'm not trying to be mean, but ladies, it's not hard to make yourself look presentable. Makeup, SMILING, gastropedic surgery… any of these things will make you look a little bit more attractive to the opposite sex. And honestly, isn’t that a goal?

Here’s some insight: when a guy first meets a girl, the girl is instantly—I can’t stress the word “instantly” enough—put into the “Would I, as a Guy, Ever Get with This Girl” test.

Girl You Chat with in Line at the Supermarket, Girlfriend’s Sister, Random Girl You Hold a Door Open For… no female is scratched off the list until they are put to the test.

I don’t know, it's hard to explain. (Well, except for the fact that every guy reading this is nodding right now. I guess it’s just hard to explain to people of the opposite sex without sounding like a complete asshole.) Part of being a guy is realizing that yeah, how a girl looks is a superficial thing, that “it’s what's inside that really counts,” but it still doesn’t matter—most of us can’t get over that initial roadblock. It’s like running a marathon and reaching that first “runner’s wall”—except in this case the wall makes you want to double over in the fetal position and quit the race before you even get to know it.

A girl can have the best personality known to man and be the sweetest girl in the world, but if her face looks like a foot, I'm heading for the hills. Don't ask me why this is—it's hardwired into every single guy's brain. So ask God why this is.

2. Immensely Fat

This trait is inexcusable from a guy’s perspective. And I’m not talking about being a little overweight, or just out of shape because it’s nowhere near Spring Break. I’m talking “I wonder if MTV will send their Made cameras over to my house for a few months” fat.

It's very simple, ladies: get to the gym. Yeah, that's right, the gym. You know, it's that big building with the metal “lifting-thingies” and the craaaaaaazy bicycles that you ride and go nowhere. And I’ll let you in on a little secret right now: you ARE going somewhere on that bike—SlimCity. That’s right, the more you ride the ridiculous bike that doesn't move, the more attractive you’ll be to guys.

Honestly, somebody tell me why a person would want to go through life overweight? Don't these people get tired of the teasing, the out-of-shape-ness, the big clothes, the excessive eating? Don't they realize it’s so easy to fix if they just get motivated, hit the gym, and eat right?

Now, I understand that a lot of times, girls have legitimate problems that prevent them from losing weight, such as physical diseases and such, but I just don't understand the vast majority of lazy women. Why not be healthy, you know? Do the Atkins diet (breaking news: it works!) or just eat healthier and work out for god's sakes… it's not gonna kill you, it's—surprise, surprise—going to make you a healthier and happier person. Wow, what a terrible side effect, huh?

3. Is a Horrible Slut

This third trait is a controversial one. For two reasons:

A) Some guys are naturally attracted to sluttier girls.
B) As a guy, sometimes you don't KNOW a girl’s a slut until it's too late.

And I just want to expand on B for a second.

What's interesting with sluts is that sometimes you don't even realize they’re sluts. Like, you could be merrily getting with a girl for months and months and not give it a second's thought—until you hear from people that she's a giant whore. Then BOOM, the party's over. (True story, by the way.)

All the while, you're thinking, “No way my girl could be a slut. She's really into me and we both know this is a serious relationship.” And as you're thinking that, somewhere, in some frat house basement, there’s a dude bending her over a pool table.

It sucks to say it… but that's just the way life goes.

You meet this girl, think she's great… but whoops, she's a big whore.

That's what makes this third trait so crazy—it's a mystery trait. She could have it and you wouldn't even know. Until she comes home reeking of chalk and has the indentation of a cueball on her forehead. And by then it’s too late.

4. Mean and Bitchy

Who here likes a mean girl? Raise your hand. Anybody? Anybody at all? Yeah, that's right. Nobody. See, the “asshole” angle works if you're a guy because for some reason girls are attracted to the uncaring asshole, but that's been documented already a hundred times over (on this website alone), so I digress. If you’re just a huge uncaring bitch, though, it just baffles everyone.

There's honestly no reason in the world for anybody to be mean. I don't care if life has ripped you a new one and you are forever emblazoned as a bitter, bitter person… be happy. Everything isn't as bad as you make it out to be. Contrary to popular belief, life DOESN'T suck.

This trait is simple to explain: mean girls are mean for a reason. If they're mean, they're unhappy, they're volatile, something's messed up in their heads. Stay away. Most guys do. Simple enough.

5. Stupid as a Brick

This is pretty self-explanatory. Granted, a girl being an egghead isn’t high up on a guy’s list of priorities, but it’s nice to have a conversation that goes past the standard “our professor sucks, huh?” and “so, what are you getting yourself into this weekend?”

You know who I’m talking about—the girls who make you feel like you were just subjected to repeat viewings of a Pauly Shore movie (entertaining in retrospect, but mind-numbingly stupid).*

But sometimes you encounter a girl that makes your jaw drop from her sheer idiocy. Did anybody see that episode of Beauty and the Geek, when the girl was asked the elimination-round question, “What two numbers can an ace represent in blackjack?” and she responded with, “Uhhhh… a two and a king?”

A two… and a king? A KING?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

So what happens when you realize that a girl exhibits all five of these particular characteristics?

Well, you better start hoping she’s some kind of freak in bed.

*Chris Phelan is ashamed he let the words “Pauly Shore” slip into a column.

Think an essential trait has been left off the list? Leave some feedback. Disagree with the subject matter of this column? Leave some feedback, ugly.

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