>>> Three Beers Deep
By staff writer Chris Phelan

April 25, 2007

Attention readers: the following is an out of date article I wrote many years ago. For the past few days I’ve had writer’s block. And in a lazy and desperate attempt to have something for everybody to read this week, I present to you this unpublished pop culture based article I wrote back in 2005. I’m not ashamed to admit it sucks a little bit, considering this was the kind of stuff I was submitting to various websites to see if they liked it.

They didn’t. But there’s still some good lines in here.

If you insist on bashing me in the comment section, feel free. (And you know what? To make the bashing a little easier on you, I will insert my own put-downs to myself throughout the article, as indicated by red italics.)

Anyway, next week’s column will be 1000% times better.

…Writer’s block only lasts a week, right?

Brooke Burke Does (Could Have Done) Things

“Let’s just say that Brooke Burke has an innate ability to shingle roofs. Do you know how insanely hot that is?”

I’ve come to the conclusion that Brooke Burke would do absolutely anything to stay in the Hollywood limelight. She undoubtedly peaked with E!’s Wild On (hey look, dated reference #1), and then her career plummeted at a rate that would make Tara Reid jealous (dated reference #2). Right now (two years ago) she’s hosting that American Idol rip-off show that revolves around a band past its prime searching for a new lead singer. Some truly refined American television. (Wow, look at me oh-so-cleverly not naming what show it is, yet at the same time giving you some context clues. I suck.)

Why her? What does Brooke Burke have to do with an old rock band looking for a new frontman? Can anybody explain this? I mean, there’s absolutely no way the producers of this show came to Brooke Burke and offered her this job. Not a chance at all. No music-related show goes out there and searches for Brooke Burke, it just doesn’t happen. I mean, it’s not even 100% proven that Brooke Burke has fully functioning ears—why take the chance? (That joke sounded a lot funnier in my head… two years ago.)

But anyway, when Brooke Burke saw the classified ad in the “Hollywood Times” you just KNOW she jumped out of her chair and immediately re-hired her agent. Oh my god, this is the perfect job! The scant remaining members of Inks, and me, Brooke Burke!

So there she was on my television. (Two years ago.)

And I don’t know if anybody else noticed this, but Brooke Burke is 80% breasts. How is that even humanly possible? Do you think Jessica Simpson feels threatened? (Hmmm… Jessica Simpson is still culturally relevant, right?)

Then it hit me—Brooke Burke desperately needs her own reality show, and I’ve got the perfect pitch right here:

America, say hello to Brooke Burke Does Things. The format of the show is simple: every episode would be themed, and Brooke Burke would—for the entire 30-minute show—do one and only one activity. Here are just a few examples off the top of my head:

– Brooke Burke shingles a roof.

– Brooke Burke is a substitute high school teacher.

– Brooke Burke delivers newspapers.

– Brooke Burke moves a couch down a flight of stairs by herself.

– Brooke Burke cuts down a tree.

Brooke Burke sees her reflection in a mirror.

– Brooke Burke teaches herself to ride a unicycle.

– Brooke Burke attempts to drink a gallon of milk in an hour. Obviously, this would be an hour-long special, preferably airing during sweeps and going up against Survivor. (Wow. Is Survivor even on the air anymore at this point? I really couldn’t tell you.)

The beauty of the show is that each episode really would just write itself. Brooke Burke trying to move a couch down a flight of stairs? Come on, every single household in America would tune in. I mean, what’s more enticing, a new episode of Will and Grace (dated reference #3!) or the slight chance that Brooke Burke breaks both her legs in one of the most gruesome falls in television history?

And let’s just say that Brooke Burke has an innate ability to shingle roofs. So what? IT’S BROOKE BURKE SHINGLING A ROOF. Do you know how insanely hot that is? The 18-35 year old demographic would come out in droves to witness it. It’s a win/win situation for everybody involved in the show. See, it’s either: Brooke Burke fails miserably at a certain task (chased by a dog while delivering the morning paper, chainsaw goes berserk and she saws her fingers off, etc.) and hilarity ensues, or Brooke Burke sexily completes the task at hand. (Okay this whole last paragraph was great. Come on, you have to give me that at least.)

I can picture this exchange between two guys watching the show:

“You know, she’s really doing a piss poor job teaching history to those kids.”

“But dude, look at that rack. Jesus Christ!”

“Oh my god, she does not know where Texas is on a map.”

Deep down inside, I wish Brooke Burke herself would stumble upon this article, read it, and realize what she needs to do. I’ve taken the time to show you a future where Brooke Burke entertains and makes the entire world a more joyous place to live in, and now it’s been revealed what kind of television phenomenon she has the potential to be.

So there you have it. Television networks, feel free to steal my ingenious idea.