>>> Three Beers Deep
By staff writer Chris Phelan
April 18, 2007

Hey everybody, I’m Chris Phelan and I just crapped my pants with glee after seeing the first episode of the newest MTV Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Inferno 3. From CT punching Davis in the face within the first day, to Alton saving Davis from the inaugural inferno, to the “Inferno 3 Preview” trailer at the end of the episode… that was an hour of quality television. Wow.

I just feel like the whole “Challenge” concept should be transferred over to other entertainment/sports entities other than MTV, you know? I feel like everybody would tune in to watch NBA All-Star Gauntlet or a Battle of the Sexes between Hollywood’s A-list actors and actresses. Someone please make this happen.

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks from everybody who wrote in and commented on last week’s “Insert Restaurant Name Here” column. Readership-wise, it’s been by far my most popular column yet and I’m glad people liked the way it turned out. Actually, be on the lookout for a sequel filled with more jokes and even more ridiculous-but-real situations coming soon here in Three Beers Deep.

And as I try to desperately keep new readers on the hook, I’m going to be writing about everybody’s favorite non-MySpace
time-killing activity: Facebook.

And since he begged me to be a part of this week’s column, my buddy Dif is going to be helping out with some well-timed IM comments. Enjoy.

Murphy’s Laws of Facebook
With special guest commenter: My buddy DiF

1. If you’re a guy and you’re drunk, you’re entitled to befriend random girls.

There’s something to be said about how it feels to be absolutely hammered and logging on to Facebook. I believe this state of mind could be described as “feeling as though you are the most desirable human being on the planet.”

“Change your Looking For section to friendship only. Girls usually love the hard to get guy.”

2. You will envy people who have more friends and wall posts than you.

DiF (11:03:39 AM): oh dude my one buddy has 1500 walls

And sometimes, that envy turns to murderous rage.

DiF (11:03:42 AM): i want to murder him

3. A drop in your friend count will always incite panic.

Take me for example. I have a modest 108 friends in my UConn network, a handful who are drunken friend requests and basketball players but the vast majority comprised of, you know—actual friends. But every once in a while I notice it drops to 107… only to return to 108 a few days later. And without fail, this causes me much pain and agony. This person who mysteriously dropped me as a friend… does he/she have a reason? Did I do something wrong? Is he/she a hardcore Gaudio supporter? Is he/she still alive? Or is it just one of my friends just screwing around for no reason?

Like, is my buddy Frank just fucking with me? Or is he honestly dropping me for a legitimate reason and then changing his mind later in the week? If he is, then let it be known: you’re a jerk, Frank.

4. Frank is a jerk.

Good luck finding another pass-first point guard for intramurals next year.

5. All girls are invariably compelled to be “in an open
relationship” with their best friend.

CorollaryIf you are a straight dude, it is never funny to be “in an open relationship” with another guy, no matter how unfair you think that is.

Although I’m not too sure on the hard statistics on this one, there is a strong correlation between “best friends in an open relationship” and “girls who will make out with each other during a party if somebody even half-suggests it.”

6. A new friend request from a crush calls for a complete profile update.

It’s rare, but hot “rockin’ body” Jackie from math class requests you to be her Facebook friend despite her “in a relationship” status. Congratulations there guy, you may just be able to speed up the inevitable break-up. But don’t start the text messaging quite yet, because you’ve got to edit your profile and eliminate anything lame. (After first scouring through her 700 pictures, praying there’s at least one great bikini shot. There is. There’s like, 40.)

You know how when you gave somebody you liked in high school your AOL screen name and then promptly went home and made your profile “cool”? This is the same thing.

Remember that time you were real bored and decided to write an 800-word essay in your “About Me” section? Yeah, erase it. You come off sounding real gay in it, trust me. Take down that Kerouac quote and replace it with something a little more manly. Lord of the Rings is no longer your favorite movie. Oh, and she’s probably not going to be too keen on your all-emo favorite band list, either.

One last trick I learned: change your “Looking For” section to friendship only. Girls usually love the “hard to get” guy and the fact that you are only looking for friendship will drive them insane. They will spend all night devising plans to get into your pants. Trust me, this is brilliant.

7. The News Feed will eventually deliver a piece of information so important that you’ll curse yourself for ever even remotely hating it when Facebook first introduced it.

So you’ve been keeping an eye on the recently updated profiles, just in case “rockin body” Jackie's relationship status goes from “in a relationship” (with some dude you 100% of the time classify as a douchebag) to “single,” but it’s been two weeks and you’re afraid it’ll never happen.

Then one day you login and BAM, jackpot! According to the News Feed, Jackie is now single and vulnerable, and for some odd reason changed her religion to Buddhism. Well, whatever. Now is your time to strike, but be swift because you can be sure other guys have seen the same change. See if she wants to study with you and be sure to look up some quick fun facts about Grey's Anatomy and Entourage, her favorite shows. Next, wow her with your newly downloaded Dave Matthews Band collection, throw on The Breakfast Club and you’re pretty much guaranteed to get laid. DO NOT mention anything about Buddhism; it’s an obvious ploy she is using to figure out who's stalking her.

8. A lack of posts on a hot girl’s wall means it can happen.

Go and rifle through the roster of hot girls at your school. For 99.9% of those hot chicks, they’re going to have the following in common: ridiculous profile picture, thousands of friends, in a group called “HoTtEsT LaDiEs oN cAmPuS” and new wall posts coming in seemingly every hour.

But every once in a while, you’re going to find your diamond in the rough, the 0.1%:

DiF (11:03:59 AM): i instantly judge how attainable a girl is by her wall
DiF (11:04:13 AM): every now and then you run into a real hot girl with not many walls or friends
DiF (11:04:18 AM): immediately you know you can get with them

Somehow, some way, this girl has slipped through the cracks at your school. And don’t ask me how I know this, but an extreme low wall posting count on a hot girl’s profile means that she is available and borderline easy. So poke her. Befriend her. Use that mini-feed and stalk the motherloving CRAP out of her until you get a post on your wall that says “hey hon!!! Great time at the bar last night.. and an even better time afterwards! *wink* xoxoxox P.S. I’ll have your laundry done by the time you’re out of class!

9. High self-esteem is always only a few wall posts away.

Feeling down? Forget drinking, put down the acoustic guitar, and cancel the psychiatrist appointment. Before you go to bed one night, simply choose ten or fifteen of your non-campus friends and post a crazy, great wall message on each of their walls. Then go to bed. When you wake up the next morning, check your Facebook. Whoa, what’s this? Why it’s a Facebook wall showered with tons of posts all talking about how great you are and how great that memory was and how much they can’t wait to see you! Now do a naked dance. Best morning ever?

10. The phrase “New friend request” will at first illicit nothing but pure unadulterated joy, and then end in extreme disappointment.

DiF (11:11:49 AM): and you're so excited, hoping maybe its the smoking hot girl you met at the bar last night
DiF (11:11:57 AM): nope, its always some doopy kid
DiF (11:12:02 AM): always, it really is, honestly just because we were designated to the same econ group doesn't mean i want to enter into an eternal facebook friendship with you. Finish up those demand curves asap or i'm declining.

CorollaryThe joy/disappointment phenomenon also applies to new tagged photos.

DiF (11:12:54 AM): Also, dude, how sweet is it when you login and there’s more photos of you. Though you always quickly rush to de-tag the bad ones or the one with some amazonian looking snaggle tooth girl that you somehow ended up in a picture with.

11. You will get annoyed by the Facebook gift program.

Actually, only my buddy Dif will get annoyed:

DiF (10:58:23 AM): costs them nothing to add a stupid little picture, can we please get a beerbong or “funnel with tube attached” because facebook always has to be clever… note red plastic cup, or box with a hole…
DiF (10:58:48 AM): yet they go ahead and add stupid shit like a turtle or a hotdog on a stick
DiF (10:58:59 AM): who's sending someone a turtle?

That, my friends, is the question the world is asking.

(Please do not send me turtles.)

Read Murphy's Laws of Instant Messaging »

See new PIC posts via Twitter, Facebook, or email.

Sign up for comedy writing or stand-up classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.