>>> Three Beers Deep
By staff writer Chris Phelan
January 31, 2007

I have to be honest, I’m submitting this column to the great Court Sullivan absolutely hammered; it’s a good thing I already wrote most of this thing while I was still sober.

But just to let everybody know, next week you can look forward to a running diary/review of the new Fall Out Boy album… and coming up on February 14th I’ll have a little column entitled “Valentine’s Day Disasters” which I will need your help in coming up with. Check back next week for details about the Valentine’s Day column, considering I’m pretty much shithoused right now, praying my editors have my back as far as grammar and sentence structure is concerned.

(And hey, all you Office fans, don’t worry: the “Why The Office is the Best Show on TV” column is slated to hit PIC on February 21st.)

As usual, thanks for everybody who contributed feedback last week… as you know by now your comments are what keep the writing juices flowing in my amazingly sexy brain and body.

“Do not sit next to the dweeb, his general aura will overpower yours.”

(And you thought I was kidding when I said I was drunk. Let’s just say $7 pitchers definitely got the best of me. But whatever, I can now say my buddies and me have the top score in Erotic Photohunt, so suck it.)

So, here we go.

I have to be completely honest with everyone right now: if the “Visiting Your Friend’s Friends” column was prime rib, then this week should be considered your
filet mignon.

Just a suitable warning, you know?

Riding the Campus Shuttle… to Cooltown

Do you love the idea of on-campus transportation? Do you hate the notion of riding the shuttle to class like a jerk? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then read on, and prepare to be enlightened. If you answered “no” to any of the aforementioned questions, it's clear that you either A) are physically fit enough to walk to class or B) thought to yourself, “No, you're the jerk… jerk,” and in any case you should stop reading and go back to psychotically checking away messages.

Let's face it: the campus shuttle is an integral part of college life, just like Natty Light, drunken walks to “parties you think are going on off-campus,” and being 90% sure there's laxatives in the dining hall food. And whether you love it or hate it, whether you use it or don't, whether you think it's a gas-guzzling threat to the environment or you've made it your desktop background picture, the shuttle is going to be a part of your school long after you're gone.

But in the end, it doesn't matter if you like the shuttle or not. A few times each semester you're going to find yourself riding it, so yougotta learn how to do it cool.

Here's how to go from “generic college guy” to “Brad Pitt in Fight Club” in a few easy steps.

1. Don't Panic

Yeah, you're going to be riding the shuttle today. You woke up, flew through your morning ‘bate, and gave yourself too much time before class, so now you have to make the most time-consuming use of it humanly possible. Don't sweat it, it's just the shuttle. Had this article been titled “Riding the Short Bus to Sadville (So You Found Out You're Retarded),” then yeah, I'd expect you to panic.

2. Make a Memorable Entrance

Now's the time to make good use of those fireworks you bought last summer when your family took a trip to North Carolina.

What? All you have left are those dinky little sparklers?

2a. Pretend You Don't Hear the Laughter

So you just walked onto the bus holding a sparkler in each of your hands like it's the friggin' Fourth of July. How to you fix this terrible situation and turn it into a legitimate “cool moment”? Easy. As you start your way down the aisle of the bus, make eye contact with the first girl you see and loudly announce, “The sparks are really flying between us, huh?!” Then stand her up and smack her ass. Is she ugly? Smack her face. And keep on walking. Bonus points for being able to smack her ass/face while still holding onto the now-fizzled-out sparklers.

3. Act Like You Know People

Cool people are cool because they are popular. What, you don't have this particular trait? No worries. After you make your grand entrance, start secret-handshaking as many guys as you see. If you're feeling up to it, throw in a few “cool guy handshake-segueing-into-the-half-hug” dealies. Spot a basketball player? Unleash either the black guy fist pound or the chest bump. If you encounter a girl, don't be afraid to bust out a hug, but make sure to start rolling your eyes mid-hug while mouthing the word “slut” (always a crowd pleaser).

Do NOT, however, perform this maneuver on a hot girl. In fact, avoid any interaction with hot girls until later on… the hotties come into play later, trust me.

4. Find the Dweeb

Dweebs should be easy to point out. Look for a backpack hiked all the way up to the back of a guy's neck and hey, you've found your dweeb. Now, here are some popular myths and misconceptions to think about when you consider sitting down next to a dweeb:

MYTH: If I sit next to the dweeb, I'll look much cooler by comparison. Everybody will see how much dweebier that dweeb looks when I'm sitting next to him! Booyah!!!
FACT: Wrong. If you sit next to the dweeb, his general aura will overpower yours. So instead of you making him seem dweebier, he's actually dragging you down with him.

MYTH: If I sit next to the dweeb, everybody will see how cool I am because I don't care that I'm sitting next to the dweeb! Score!
FACT: Wrong again. Your pity sitdown will not impress anyone. And besides, once people realize you’re “so cool you don't care” about sitting next to the dweeb, they're going to start assuming you’re “so cool you don't care” about engaging in other activities like gay sex. (The statistics don't lie, there's a definite correlation.)

MYTH: I'll just leave the dweeb alone… poor guy.
FACT: Oh-so-wrong. Did God make dweebs just for them to be left alone? Doubtful. You have to say something to the dweeb. Make him aware of his general dweebosity.

5. Bust Out the Heavy Artillery

You've got your dweeb locked on. He's fidgeting. All eyes are on you. You look around and notice a few smokin' hotties. It's time to get some panties wet.

Hey nerdlinger, nice glasses!

Raucous laughter all around. You high-five the dude sitting in the back row. The driver stops the shuttle to shake your hand. Nelson from The Simpsons appears just to demean the dweeb a little more. Those hot chicks are now visibly feeling themselves up thinking about sexing up the dweeb-killer. For one brief, shining moment… you are king.

But the adventure isn't over yet.

6. Annoy the Driver

At the most dramatic time possible, pull the “request stop” wire. Once the driver starts braking, loudly yell “SIKE!”

Now look around you. Orgasmic laughter everywhere. You shimmy with the dude sitting in the back row. The driver stops the shuttle, looks in the rearview and gives a “boys will be boys!” look. Nelson from The Simpsons appears again as you begin to wonder how the hell that's even possible. Those hot chicks are now pouring chocolate syrup all over their perfect naked bodies. Against all odds, you are king for an unprecedented second time in the last five minutes.

7. Skip Class, Ride the Shuttle All Day

Listen to me: do NOT go to class. Stay on that bus as long as you can. Do you know how many dweebs attend your school? Do you realize what the odds are that another dweeb will get on the shuttle? (No, you do not… you are not a dweeb.) Well… the odds are good, man. Real good. Did MJ ever quit at 40 points? In the fourth quarter did he ever suddenly stop shooting and work on his assists total? Hell no he didn't. He always shot for 50—and that's what you're going to do. See, the beauty of the shuttle is that it just drives around in a circle. With every new revolution brings a whole new group of people.

You know how the game works now. You were king of that last shuttle trip, and you now possess the experience to recreate it.

So enjoy your day of endless shuttle kingship, but make this day worth it—thanks to you, no more dweebs will be riding the shuttle ever again after today. (They have a chat room.)

And now a quick joke...

Remember 4th grade P.E. when you ran a mile in street clothes and then went directly to math?