>>> Three Beers Deep
By staff writer Chris Phelan

January 3, 2007

It’s a new week, a new year, and a new column over here. Thanks for bringing Three Beers Deep into your home this holiday season. (Translation: thanks for restraining yourself from looking at porn for two minutes so you can read this column… this holiday season.)

Let’s see… it’s January 3rd. Which means you’re probably still hung over from Sunday night. No worries: just sit back, relax, and don’t worry. I’ve never been one to notice much but I’ll be the first to say that this column is absolutely excellent at curing hangovers.

Hey, and thanks to everybody who wrote in with feedback for last week’s column, especially the reader who declared me heir to a vacant throne:

Even though you are more toned down, I'm going to go out on a limb here by declaring this, ” I'm counting on you to be the next Justin Rebello.”

“If Jim and Pam from The Office don’t get together by the end of the year I’m going to go batshit crazy.”

I’m glad readers are noticing my toned-down style. I’m not a real fan of the over-the-top, gratuitous vulgar comedy way of doing things, and it’s good to read that my particular style is getting some awareness.

And hey, if you’re going to have one particular person anointed to be the next Rebello, it might as well be the one guy in the world who is in love with Rachel McAdams more than him. (Honest to God, I could write 3000 words about that girl. And don’t think I won’t. His “Notebook of Love” column would seem like a 5th-grade crush letter compared to my restraining-order-inducing testament of love.)

And now that I’ve threatened all of my readers with the most pathetic display of public affection since that dude from Minority Report jumped onto a sofa during some talk show, let’s jump right to the main event.

The Definitive 2007 Wish List

Here are just a few of the things I want to see happen in the New Year:

I wish for…

Any Progress to be Made in the Barry Bonds Investigation

The complete and utter lack of headway being made in the federal investigation of Mr. Potato Head himself is baffling. The evidence is overwhelming… why has this whole process not moved a millimeter since the Congressional hearings? Anyone?

(Please keep in mind I know absolutely nothing about the legal aspect of the investigation. All I know is that he’s a jerk, he’s a cheater, his head is huge, and I demand some sort of public Bonds shaming.)

Britney Spears to Be Hot Again

“Would you cut off your arm if it meant you could have one night with Britney Spears?”… “Would you star in a porn film called World’s Fattest Gangbang if it meant you could make out with Britney Spears during halftime of the Super Bowl for the whole world to see?”… “Would you punch your grandma in the face if it meant you got to stand within 3 feet of Britney Spears?”

Five years ago, these were the scenarios that guys would pose to their buddies on a daily basis. And no matter how absurd the question was, the answer was always a resounding yes. That’s how hot Britney Spears was.

And I have to be honest, I desperately want those days back. Listen, I don’t care if she starts passing the time slingshotting her babies off balconies into busy streets… I just want Britney to be smokin’ hot again.

An Improved Way to Wash Dishes By Hand

Okay, call me crazy on this one, but honestly, I don’t think I've ever escaped doing the dishes without getting completely soaking wet. Whether it’s washing a spoon and water ricocheting and nailing me, or just water flying out of the faucet and careening crazily off every thing in the sink and all over me, I always end up soaking wet after cleaning the dishes. It’s really uncanny and a little ominous at this point and frankly I’m starting to wonder if this only happens to me.

I mean, even when I think I’m doing okay and I finish the last fork or something… I look down… and it’s oh crap, gotta change my shirt because somehow the bottom of it is drenched.

Let’s just say that if I ever see some girl on QVC shilling some crazy new dishwasher splashguard… I’d shamefully buy one.

Digital Cable to Be Mandatory, Screw Normal Cable

I’m home for break, and let me tell you… I’m lost without the on-screen guide. It’s sad, but true.

The Transformers Movie Turning Out to Be Awesome

Imagine if a prophet went up to you while you were in high school and said “you will lose your virginity to the hottest girl in school… but it won’t happen until July 7th.”

You’d feel thrilled and terrified, wouldn’t you? Thrilled because yay I’m gonna have sex and terrified because wow, who the hell knows how this will turn out…

That’s how I feel with the Transformers movie. I am absolutely thrilled and terrified at the same time. When I was little, I was a Transformers kid. This will be a landmark moment in my life, but at the same time… what if it sucks? What if it doesn’t live up to my crazy expectations? What if I fall asleep during it?

It’s a live-action Transformers movie. Hollywood can’t possibly screw this up… can they? Part of me is optimistic, but the other part of me is going to set fire to the theater if I see Kirsten Dunst involved in a love triangle with Cliffjumper and Starscream.

No More of the Fray

I’m convinced that one night in September, somebody sent a mass text message to everybody they knew that read, “Start saying you like the Fray starting tomorrow.”

Honestly, was there a national bulletin that came out one day that I missed? When was the Fray suddenly required listening? Did anybody actually find out about this band on their own, or did everyone start listening to them just because everybody else started listed them as a “favorite band” on Facebook?

Listen, the Fray sucks. I can’t stress this enough. May 2007 be Fray-free.

Jim and Pam Finally Getting Together

I don’t care how gay this makes me. I’m a huge fan of The Office and if Jim and Pam don’t get together by the end of the year I’m going to go absolutely batshit crazy and then spiral into depression.

The Chance to Run Through a Crazy Japanese Game Show Obstacle Course

I would pay a thousand dollars to do it.

(Somebody somewhere PLEASE direct me to whoever I need to pay off to just spend an hour on one of those things. I don’t care if it’s the one from MXC or that one from ESPN’s short-lived show. I would also accept “The Eliminator” from American Gladiators if the crazy Japanese equivalent isn’t available.)

Honorable Mentions:

A column of mine starting a huge fight on the feedback page, jean shorts coming back into style (come on people, they’re jeans and shorts—why this is taboo I will never know), Steve Nash to not win MVP for one freakin’ year, and a Pointsincase.com complete redesign…

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