>>> Three Beers Deep
By staff writer Chris Phelan

January 17, 2007

I went to Hooters with some buddies on Saturday to watch the Eagles-Saints game. It was fun, except for the fact that, well, you know, my Eagles lost to a Saints team that turned out to be a whole lot better than I thought they were (insert Denny Green joke here).

But yeah, I was pretty drunk during the game. How drunk was I, you ask?

Let’s just say that I was so drunk I accidentally smacked a guy’s ass while mocking our waitress… who unbeknownst to me was standing right next to us. Within three seconds I had an angry dude with a sore ass and a pissed-off waitress who insisted “she doesn’t walk around like that” yelling at me in front of all my friends. Yeah, it was one of those nights.

So anyway, it’s back to the normal Phelan goodness this week with Three Beers Deep. As usual, thanks to whoever commented in the feedback section last week. You know, it’s funny, everybody seems to think that it’s only the girls who overthink a seemingly simple task like an AIM conversation, but guys definitely do it too.

“I’m waiting for the inevitable True Life: I’m Addicted to True Life.”

(Obligatory Office Comment of the Week: Crazy episode last Thursday, with Dwight apparently leaving and Jim downplaying his feelings for Pam to Karen. They’re building up to something real big, I can feel it.)

Moving along…

Viva la MTV

I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but MTV has slowly evolved into an absolute haven of quality television. Yet most people are partial to the MTV of yesteryear when it was dominated by music videos, Beavis and Butthead, and… well, not much else. This is my unabated cry to the masses: today’s MTV puts all other generations to shame.

Let me put it this way: if MTV was a basketball player, right now it would be ’92 MJ, absolutely putting all previous incarnations of him to shame.

Here are just a few reasons why the network should be getting much more praise than it does:

The Real World/Road Rules Challenges

I’m going to be honest here, this is probably the best sports show ever created. It has everything a sports fan loves: crazy athletic contests, drama, and heavy drinking. And on the other hand, it has everything a reality TV addict loves: reality TV stars. Pretty much the perfect show.

I think it goes without saying that my life’s goal is to be a contestant on the show. And I’ve already got my first victory celebration all planned out. You know how after each elimination gauntlet/duel/etc., the winner is given a prize? Yeah. Well, if I won a challenge I’d go up and humbly accept my projector to mild applause from everyone… and then I’d just crazily smash it to the ground as TJ Lavin just stands there totally shocked while the other cast members all take turns in the confessional saying things like “I just don’t know what got into Chris” and “This is a huge turning point in the game.”

No Music Videos

Let me put to rest a certain myth right now. If you were to ask somebody on the street what’s been wrong with MTV for the past decade or so, you’re likely to get the same response:

They don’t play MUSIC anymore, it’s awful.”

It doesn’t matter who the person is—it could be a high schooler, a grandmother, or a homeless man on the street. Hell, even Justin Rebello himself wrote about it on this site a few years ago. But my point is: they’re all crazy.

I’m happy MTV doesn’t play actual music videos anymore. Why? For a few reasons:

  1. All music videos suck.
  2. All music videos not hilariously narrated by Beavis and/or Butthead suck.
  3. You suck for thinking MTV should go back to playing mostly music videos.

I mean, come on, do you remember how crappy those music videos were back in the day? Quick, name a music video BESIDES “Black Hole Sun” that really is awesome. And no, My Chemical Romance videos don’t count.

Today, if you really want your music video fix, just head over to MTV’s website. I for one am glad countless crappy videos from crappy bands aren’t taking over the airwaves anymore.

I don’t know what happened to our generation, but it seems like everybody got brainwashed into thinking MTV was actually better when they played nothing but videos. Nowadays, we’ve got some great shows—ridiculous shows, granted—that are actually (gasp) entertaining.

The Real World

Every single new season of The Real World sets the bar even higher for reality TV ridiculousness. Ten years ago, the craziest thing that happened was that somebody found out a roommate was gay, and serious conversation erupted. Three summers ago, the most dramatic thing that happened was that somebody got their guitar stomped to pieces by their roommate, and a tense argument occurred. Now? I’m pretty sure Tyrie is going to chainsaw the next roommate who disagrees with him.

By the way, you’ve got to love MTV casting directors—we’re only a season or two away from a KKK member living in the house with Martin Luther King’s grandson along with a gay alcoholic midget and a straightedge 7-foot devout Christian. And let’s not forget about the token smokin’ hot female nymphomaniacs, of course. I’m pretty sure once they are finished casting for the show, the producers start a weeklong Patron binge and begin counting their money.

No Carson Daly

Can we all take a moment to reflect on this? No longer “the face of MTV,” Carson is now relegated to a terrible late-night talk show that I’m 100% positive nobody watches.

The True Life Series

It doesn’t matter what topic the show focuses on, I’m going to watch it and I’m going to walk away from the show feeling like a more enlightened person. Does this make me pathetic? No. In fact, it makes me great.

(Just to let you know, I’m waiting for the inevitable True Life: I’m Addicted to True Life episode.)

Kina and Cara

I could go down the laundry list of ultra-hot MTV reality show cast members, but instead I thought I’d narrow it down to my two personal favorites.

Hot girls make for great television, and not only did MTV realize this when they cast them on their respective Road Rules, but MTV capitalized on it by casting them on the same Challenge season, the ultimate smart move of all smart moves. Let’s put it this way: did mid-90s MTV have Kina or Cara hotting up the screen in ridiculous fashion? Hell no. Score another point for today’s MTV, baby.

Related note: These two girls represent the number one reason why I wouldn’t win any sort of RW/RR Challenge. If we were all on the same show, I’d immediately begin courting them to form an alliance, which they would accept because I’m such a beast out there in any kind of athletic competition. Then they’d realize how easily I’d be swayed by their ridiculous hotness. Sadly, this would somehow lead to them getting me to volunteer to leave the house. I don’t know what the worst part about that situation is: me leaving the show under the most pathetic circumstances ever, or me trying to convince them to a “goodbye threesome” on national TV.

Next/Parental Control

No lie, I once watched Next for four straight hours. Between the ridiculous concept of “next-ing” people to the outlandish “these can’t possibly be real people” daters they have on the show, it’s a complete trainwreck every time I turn it on. And I don’t know if you were aware of this, but trainwrecks make for great TV.

And I can dedicate a whole column to the greatness that is Parental Control. You have to be a fan of the show simply for the hilarious, obviously-staged banter between the disgruntled parents and the bitter, soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend, which always goes like this:

Boyfriend: (Watching a random guy cop a feel on his girl) I’m going to kill him!
With what, those little biceps of yours?
Or maybe you could beat him to death with your scrawny penis… fag.
(Cheering and jumping up and down on my couch)

So there you have it—plenty of reasons why we should all start praising MTV instead of the same tired “I wish they’d go back to playing
music videos” argument.

There is one major omission to this list. And if this show ever makes its return to MTV, I have to be honest—I probably won’t ever stop dancing. I’m talking about the one and only Rock n’ Jock games. I’m not going to lie, watching those shows took precedence in my life over actual legitimate sporting events. Who can forget the time Gary Payton made the first 50-point basket? Just awesome.

Nobody likes a lazy readerclick below and leave your comments in the feedback section. Not because you thoroughly enjoyed this column, but because I was wrong in crediting Gary Payton for the 50-point basket and you just can’t stand my idiocy.