>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
March 10, 2004

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Doberman Doping Scandal Looms Over Big British Dog Show

LONDON (AFP) – The Kennel Club says its looking into allegations that a young doberman pinscher was drugged to prevent her from winning a coveted prize at Crufts, the world's biggest dog show.

We know what the Crufts is asshole. Just the facts, jack!

Kerri, aged 22 months, was a favourite to win the doberman Open Bitch category, but when she entered the ring at Crufts last Saturday her owner noticed that she was not her usually lively self.

“My bitch looks completely not like herself!” The owner commented, “And my dog isn't looking too dandy either! But seriously folks!”

“She was just not herself. She was uncoordinated, listless and lethargic,” recalled Clive Evans, 44, who pulled Kerri out of competition and took her to Crufts' chief veterinarian Trevor Turner to be examined.

Everybody knows it takes three things to win best bitch at Crufts: Coordination, List, and The opposite of lethargic.

Turner found that Kerry “showed signs of sedation,” leaving Evans to fear — despite a lack of evidence — that a rival might have slipped her a piece of meat laced with ACP, an animal tranquiliser.

Is THAT why I'm so sleepy after eating Thanksgiving turkey?? According to KidsHealth.org it is not. The reason is that turkey meat contains a lot of an amino acid called L-tryptophan (say: el-trip-teh-fan). Amino acids are the “building blocks” for the proteins that make up our muscles and other important parts of our bodies. (L-tryptophan is just one kind of amino acid–there are many different kinds of amino acids in the foods we eat.)

“We believe someone is trying to knock us off the top of the ladder,” said Evans, who has twice won Best of Breed with his dobermans. “It is absolutely disgusting that anyone could do this to an animal.”

What sort of man drugs another mans bitch?! According to “Pimpin' For Dummies” it takes a “trick ass pimp” to do that. And there is nobody around Crufts that matched that description?

Phil Buckley, a spokesman for the Kennel Club, which organises Crufts and maintains the official British registry of pedigree dogs, said Evans' claims would be investigated by the Crufts show committee.

Thank god. After that, you guys could look into solving who stole the cookie from the cookie jar, because there aren't any grander problems at hand. HAVEN'T YOU GUYS EVER HEARD OF THE WAR ON TERRORISM AND A LITTLE THING I LIKE TO CALL CANCER?!!

“If this claim is substantiated, it would be a disgrace and treated very seriously,” he said, adding however that dog-doping incidents at Crufts are extremely rare, with only one reported in the past 20 years.

“However if this claim is unsubstantiated, the owner will be de-pantsed and spanked with this here oar at halftime of next year's show.”
Buckley continued.

Some 22,000 dogs, and 120,000 dog lovers, turned up for the four-day 101st edition of Crufts in Birmingham, in the English Midlands, where a four-year-old English whippet named Deedee walked off with Best in Show laurels on Sunday.

Take that bitch and whippet indeed!

Last January veteran breeder Peter Mann was forced to step down as Crufts chairman amid allegations that he was involved in puppy farming in the 1960s and 1970s when large-scale dog breeding was not illegal in Britain.

Ah yes, that reminds me, I simply MUST visit the Mann's in Edinborough and pick up a lovely trough of Dog Seeds for my farm. Before long it won't be dog season anymore and I'll have to revert to Boysenberries. EWW!