Did you know that the word on the street is that some folks don't think of me as a "topical" columnist?

Well I take great offense to this. After all, "topical" has two meanings people. One needs only to glance at its Wikipedia entry. Its medical definition, to paraphrase, is "something that's applied to body surfaces such as the vagina." (Which, I swear to god, I have been.)

As far as that other less fun kind of "topical" goes, as I've said before, I may not know what channel that "news" thing is on, but that hasn't stopped me from having outrageous opinions in the past. There was a column I wrote back in my Kent Stater days wherein I made the bold call of accusing Donald Rumsfeld of secretly being the infamous "Werewolf Arsonist" for example. But, did people commend me for this insight? No! They were all like "the fuck!?" and "what's a Werewolf Arsonist!?"

I have been known to find inspiration in a good hamburger, but does that make me a Big Mac? I think not.Well he wasn't the type of werewolf who attended nude bongo parties that's for sure.

For the grotesquely under-informed, the werewolf arsonist was an arsonist that dressed like a werewolf. (You were expecting maybe a werewolf that dressed like an arsonist? Come on! What would that even look like?!) He made creepy home movies of himself in full make-up and sent them to potential victims. His catchphrase was, "You're house is next!" I saw a TV special about him one time while I was half passed out and I'm pretty sure it wasn't a hallucination.

Anyway, the coppers finally caught up with him and, admittedly, he didn't end up actually being Donald Rumsfeld. In fact I never even really knew who Donald Rumsfeld was, but I heard one of the hot, brainy journalism chicks talk about him once so I assumed he was important.

Yes, it was a half-assed attempt at a rant on my part but it's probably the closet I'll ever come to making something resembling a political statement.

I'm not here today to dwell on the past though.

Quite the opposite in fact.

The point I'm trying to make is about CURRENT events, and that fact that I DO write about them, they just happen to be current events no one else currently gives a tinker's damn about.

Today, however, that changes, because I've decided to tackle an issue that greatly affects each and every one of us (or at least me) on something like a bi-weekly basis.

Here goes: Arby's is lying to you.

That's right, friends, Arby's Roast Burgers, while they are quite delicious, are not burgers. They are, in fact, roast beef sandwiches.

Okay, okay, I admit, as events go, that isn't all that current.

Arby's came out with roast burgers months ago. But as a finicky fast food fanatic I feel I must break my silence on this matter. You see, Arby's reps state that these (roast beef) sandwiches are merely "inspired" by burgers and feature "burger style toppings."

Well folks, I, Nick Moose, on occasion have been known to find inspiration in a good hamburger, but does that, in turn, make me a Big Mac? I think not. If I were to go ahead and take bleu cheese dressing and garnish the bodacious bod of Maxim swimsuit model Kim Smith, would that lovely lass then transmogrify into a hamburger sandwich!? Of course not!! Although I would still eat her, but that's neither here nor there.

When I own my own fast food establishment things will be different. For it shall be known as "DIO BURGER!" And lo, it shall be endorsed by heavy metal god Ronnie James Dio himself of Black Sabbath, Rainbow ,and DIO fame. A real man's man! The kind who stands on a silver mountain.

I'm sure he knows his meat.

The featured sandwich of course will be the "Holy Diver," a full pound all-beef patty wrapped in bacon and dipped, salisbury steak style, in gravy.

I do have to still tell Dio about this, and get him to agree to pose for the statues we'll be putting out front, but when I do, watch out Dick Arby (or whoever the hell it is that own Arby's) ‘cause when we say burger we mean burger!

On Arby's commercials, when they say "burger" they're keeping you "like a rainbow"….

That's right friends…"in the dark."

Burger on a rainbow, plus Dio

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