>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
June 9, 2004

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Nation's Capital Mourns Ronald Reagan

By Calvin Woodward and Jeff Wilson, AP Writers

WASHINGTON – With the storied riderless horse symbolizing the fallen president, Ronald Reagan's casket rolled on a century-old caisson to the Capitol on Wednesday for final tributes from high officials and common Americans in the first presidential state funeral in three decades.

Ronald Reagan died??! Said John as he emerged from the rock he's been living under.

The 40th president lay in state under a dome where public servants from Abraham Lincoln forward have been honored. People stood by the thousands in quiet witness to his funeral procession along the broad expanse of Constitution Avenue and waited hours in steamy heat to pay last respects in the Capitol Rotunda.

How fucked up is it that Visa sponsored this funeral? It's like, capitalism at its worst.

“Fellow Americans, here lies a graceful and a gallant man,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, speaking at the state funeral ceremony opening the 34-hour period of Reagan's lying in state. “It was the vision and the will of Ronald Reagan that gave hope to the oppressed, shamed the oppressors and ended the evil empire.”

“FUCK!” Cheney continued, “And now he's like, dead.”

Crowds 15 deep watched the Washington procession. Drums sounded, marking the cadence of the marchers, and cheers briefly broke out for Nancy Reagan at the head of the procession. She waved repeatedly, looking wan.

Looking wan? Wan ban thank you man? I don't know what that word means, and I've heard of every word ever. Must be a fake. *Scratches it* No, it's real.

“God bless you, Nancy,” a man cried out.

Nancy just stared into the crowd and thought “But I didn't even sneeze.” The Secret Service picked up on that and shot the man dead where he sat mourning.

In her husband's death as in his life, she was beside him at every step. When his casket reached the landing of the Capitol, she reached out and touched it. She gazed at it, as she had been known so long for gazing at him in life.

She gently massaged his cock and thought, “Oh god what I wouldn't give to taste his sweet fucking cum again. As powdery as it may be.”

Reagan's body arrived at Andrews Air Force Base in suburban Maryland from California to close the first chapter in a slowly unfolding week of remembrance. In California, more than 100,000 people had paid respects to Reagan in his presidential hilltop library.

The largest crowd at the library since Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix was released. That drew 100,002 people.

Reagan's funeral procession was formed within view of the South Lawn of the White House. Following a long tradition, rarely seen, the body of the former president, who was an avid horseman, was carried on a black caisson drawn by six horses. The artillery carriage was built in 1918 to carry provisions and ammunition.

If the body was there….where was…..THE HEAD!!!! Oh I see, firmly attached to the body. Well I guess that makes sense.

Behind that trailed Sgt. York, the horse with an empty saddle and boots reversed in the stirrups to symbolize a warrior who will ride no more and looks back a final time on his troops. Sgt. York stepped lively, tossing his head and appearing a bit spooked on occasion.

Sgt. York was later shot in the temple nine times and made into glue sticks.

Overhead – only 1,000 feet overhead – 21 fighter jets screamed by in four formations, a wingman breaking away and rocketing upward to signify the loss of a comrade.

Then on the ground, seven mice were playing a game of poker to symbolize the death of their leader and the grass was painted painted blue to symbolize the overuse of symbols in this funking funeral.

By early evening, 100 people on the National Mall had been treated for heat-related illnesses, said Alan Etter, speaking for the D.C. Fire and Emergency Medical Services Department. U.S. Capitol Police trucked in about 150,000 of bottles of water and turned on large fans for people waiting in line to view Reagan's casket in the Capital Rotunda.

Can you imagine dying at Reagan's funeral? That's like, something else that's also ironic.

At Andrews, Mrs. Reagan walked slowly down the steps of the Boeing 747 that was sent by President Bush and watched silently as body bearers drawn from all branches of the armed forces carried her husband's casket from the plane. “Hail to the Chief” rang out and cannon fired, followed by “My Country ‘Tis of Thee.” Flags snapped in the stiff wind.

“Flags snapped in the stiff wind”??! Alright William Faulkner, it's a news article not fucking “Absalom Absalom.” I realize no publisher picked up your novel but you don't have to TAKE IT OUT ON US, THE READER.

Washington last staged these presidential rites in 1973, for Lyndon Johnson, less than a decade after John Kennedy's assassination produced the state funeral carved most deeply in America's memory.

I wonder why they didn't do all this stuff when Nixon died.

Reagan's procession sometimes had the feel of a parade, in contrast to the shock and grief that attended every stage of the slain President Kennedy's funeral.

Well, crowning somebody the Reagan's Funeral Queen and having her wave the crowd on her icy thrown didn't help, I'll tell you that much.

As always, every clicking step of shined boots, every sounding of the bugle, every firing of rifle and cannon was tightly scripted. As always, people made their unscripted emotional connections.

Riiight, unscripted. Then explain THIS! *Holds up the script to the final episode of M*A*S*H*

Gene Eiring, 49, a retired Air Force lieutenant colonel from Custer, S.D., said he and his wife had dropped everything to rush to Washington. “He was my commander in chief for eight years,” Eiring said. “He served so unselfishly, it was the least I could do for him.”

Eiring even dropped his pants, then realized it wasn't that sort of funeral.

In California, during a 45-minute motorcade to Point Mugu Naval Air Station, Calif., for the flight east, crowds watched from overpasses, traffic stopped on the other side of the freeway and some drivers got out and stood with hands over hearts.

Those people were then hit by cars because they were standing on the FREEWAY! MY GOD!

Farm workers near the base climbed off tractors, removed hats from their heads and put them over their hearts. A little boy stood at attention and saluted from the tailgate of a pickup truck by an onion field. “Rest Well, President Reagan,” said a sign.

This poignant moment is brought to you by Kraft Foods. For special occasions, make it Kraft.

Seventeen years ago, Reagan compared Democratic lawmakers to the “screeching” periodic cicadas that then – and again this spring – have infested the city.

Ahhh, and it comes full circle.

Aides said Bush would visit the casket Thursday evening. Bush and his father, who was Reagan's vice president and succeeded him in the White House, will be among the eulogists Friday.

Man, Bush is such a douchebag, am I right?