>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
January 26, 2005

The real news (for boring people)

The breakdown (for college people)

Quit Smoking or Quit Your Job, U.S. Company Says

By Andrew Stern

CHICAGO (Reuters) – The owner of a Michigan company who forced his employees to either quit smoking or quit their jobs said on Wednesday he also wants to tell fat workers to lose weight or else.

He then told his ugly workers to “git pretty” and his smelly workers to “shower” or there's gonna be some beautification/downsizing.

A ban on tobacco usewhether at home or at the workplaceled four employees to quit their jobs last week at Okemos, Michigan-based Weyco Inc., which handles insurance claims.

“I'll DIE before I have to quit smoking,” said one, in an insanely true statement.

The workers refused to take a mandatory urine test demanded of Weyco's 200 employees by founder and sole owner Howard Weyers, a demand that he said was perfectly legal.

What exactly is it in urine that shows if you're fat? Unless you're so fat
that you pee chocolate syrup. Damn that'd be sweet. Pun, intended.

“If you don't want to take the test, you can leave,” Weyers told Reuters. “I'm not controlling their lives; they have a choice whether they want to work here.”

“FINE, I'LL TAKE THE TEST,” said the interviewer, who was visibly rattled/confused.

Next on the firing line: overweight workers.

Pound for pound the best corporate decision to date.

“We have to work on eating habits and getting people to exercise. But if you're obese, you're (legally) protected,” Weyers said.

If you're so fat that you're “officially fat” then I can't make you lose weight. This is like the movie Speed, in which one employee has to keep his weight above 355 or the bus will explode!

He has brought in an eating disorder therapist to speak to workers, provided eating coaches, created a point system for employees to earn health-related $100 bonuses and plans to offer $45 vouchers for health club memberships.

You know, I learned about another boss who required his workers to be healthy and in shape. He also required them to be blond and not Jewish. I think we know who I'm hiltering about!

The 71-year-old Weyers, who said he has never smoked and pronounced himself in good shape thanks to daily runs, said employees' health as well as saving money on the company's own insurance claims led him to first bar smokers from being hired in 2003.

Weyers? More like Weighers! Right guys?

Last year, he banned smoking during office hours, then demanded smokers pay a monthly $50 “assessment,” and finally instituted mandatory testing.

Testing includes peeing in a cup, then answering the question, “Seriously, do you smoke? ‘Cause you smell all cigarettey.”

Twenty workers quit the habit.

Though it should be noted that “The Habit” is the name of the company they were working for. So…you know.

Weyers tells clients to quit whining about health care costs and to “set some expectations; demand some things.”

Quit smoking, AND quit whining?! I wonder if they have a whining patch. For whiners. And diners. What time is it?

Job placement specialist John Challenger said Weyco's moves could set a precedent for larger companiesif it survives potential legal challenges.

I'm sorry, the challenger to this company's name is “John Challenger?” If you're going to make up a name, be a little creative, sheesh.

“Certainly it raises an interesting boundary issue: rising health care costs and society's aversion to smoking versus privacy and freedom rights of an individual,” Challenger said.

“I'm a douchebag,” Challenger continued.

So far no legal challenges have been made to Weyco's policies.

Not even by challenger?! John Legal Challenger!? ‘Cause that's his middle name I hope you know. Legal. Honestly, what time is it?