>>> About Last Night…
By staff writer Ali Wisch

October 18, 2006

Managing a relationship in college is a difficult task. Hence why there is so much cheating, so many breakups, and tons of drama. We are at a point where we are learning to be in adult relationships like we are learning to pay our own bills. Luckily, most of us can still depend on our parents to bail us out when we can’t afford this month’s electric bill. Unfortunately, we can’t depend on them get us out of trouble if we accidentally slip it in Candy’s cooch at the “how naked can you get” stripper party.

Being as you can’t get out of most of the fuckups that you make while in a relationship, you do the next best thing, lie. Most things you find yourself lying about are regrettable, some are forgivable, and most are just fucking stupid. But the amount of times I’ve heard guys lie to their girlfriends about going to a strip club or being anywhere in a stripper’s vicinity is getting ridiculous. And while I don’t think guys should lie about this shit to begin with, here’s how I think it should be handled.

The Lie

“I don’t know why guys think we are intimidated by women who get paid to get naked and touch old men. “

You call your man to see if he wants to rent a movie. It’s Wednesday and you know he doesn’t have class until 12:30 on Thursdays; maybe you guys can even get a little freaky. He calls you back, “Sorry baby, I’m going to be at the library all night, I’m swamped with work.”

This being said, you go over to your girl Tammy’s apartment to watch some Sex and the City and drink some wine. Forty-five minutes later you get a call from your old roommate Tessa. “Hey, I just dropped Zack off at Brad’s house, apparently he got some strippers to come over because Amanda just broke up with him and…I know you said your boyfriend was at the library all night but I’m pretty sure I saw his car parked outside. That’s it, gotta run, love you, mean it, bye!”

That fucker.

The Punishment

Lying is a pretty shitty thing to do, especially when it involves a dime store hooker peeling off her neon mesh tank-top to reveal her water balloon breasts to a bunch of horny, 20-year-old college guys (who, if they showered, changed their clothes, and made a little effort could easily bag one of the slutty freshmen—yeah, they might still be whores but at least they’re cuter, and clean…er), but I don’t think it is worth the death sentence of terminating the relationship.

That is, as long as it only involved looking and no touching. If there was touching, you shouldn’t take him back until he is cleaned Austin Powers-style and then sterilized. Actually fuck that, if he lied to you and did anything physical with a stripper, invite him over, kick him in the balls, and then post on the new Facebook that your (ex-boyfriend’s name here) got (STD of choice here) from (insert stripper’s name here).

If there was looking but no touching, I recommend you let him sweat it out a little. Let him be the first to make contact with you. And no text messaging or IMing… we’re talking about a full-blown phone call here (yes, they do still exist). At this point you should make it clear that you’re pissed, and then tell him why, because most guys won’t confess, and others are too dense to figure it out.

Once he knows you’re mad, you should expect the following: an apology (no shit), something of monetary value—flowers work, and men, if you’re shit broke, go pick some—and something meaningful. You’re entitled to a confession of how much he cares, a letter, an emotional email; that, and he should ask you for forgiveness. He sure as hell better not do it again.

The ironic thing about guys lying to their girlfriends when they want to go to strip clubs, parties with strippers, or even somewhere as innocent (in terms of this) as Hooters, is that in most cases their girlfriends probably wouldn’t give them that much shit about it anyway. Some girls probably wouldn’t even mind going to the strip clubs with their men, and others may even accept a lap dance. The number of girls that go to strip clubs with their boyfriends is larger than you might think.

I don’t know why guys think we are intimidated by women who get paid to get naked and touch old men anyway. Please, watch Destiny bend over and touch her toes as many times as you want, just watch out for that odor drifting in your direction, and remember: do-not-touch.