>>> Beaver Fever
By staff writer Brent Stone
November 4, 2007

Here at PIC, the first thing we’re all about is foolish things that involve alcohol and/or drugs. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s what we’re about. Anyway, the second thing we’re all about is you, the reader. In the spirit of both of those things, and some ideas that were given to me recently about foolish competitions that couldn’t possibly benefit anyone but the spectators, I bring you this week’s article.

I’ve got a few challenges for you—of course, if I were David Nelson, I’d probably do them myself and write a much more interesting column, but I just don’t have those strong Canadian genes to push me onward. As a result, I’m passing them on to you.

Now, as the son of an attorney, I feel the need to state clearly here that if you’re stupid enough to do anything listed below, any resulting consequences aren’t my fault. That having been said, let’s get to it. I’ll start with a few that you may have heard of first, and then move on to the more creative ones.

“Buy two 40s, then spend your remaining money on Taco Bell. Finish them before you shit yourself.”

Also, if you do complete any of these, please send me an email ([email protected]) describing the resulting hilarity, and I’ll happily throw it up on my little corner of cyberspace.

The Gallon Challenge:

This one’s about as simple as they come: drink a gallon of milk in under one hour, then don’t throw it back up. If you’re reading this and don’t think it’s remotely difficult, please have a friend record you while you attempt it, and send me a link to it on YouTube.

The NyQuil Challenge:

Not much explanation required for this one, either. Get two NyQuil caplets and a shot of the same stuff in liquid form, then take them all at once. After you do that, try to beat off before you fall asleep. The good news here is that no matter what, you win! That being said, you might want to make sure your roommate isn’t going to walk in on you slumped over your keyboard with one hand down your pants and Chunky Cheerleaders 12 playing on your computer.

Jamaican Clam Bake:

This one’s for all you stoners out there. Get your friends together and have everyone bring their marijuana paraphernalia to someone’s house.

Gather everybody in the bathroom (you should probably have at least four people) and turn the shower on as hot as it’ll go. When the room fills up with steam and you can feel your pores open wide and ready to absorb some THC in the air, it’s time to begin. The rules are simple. Light up everything at once (you should have at least one piece for every two people—if not, start rolling blunts until the numbers are better), and pass it all around in the same direction.

When a piece comes to you, you must hit it. If you leave the bathroom, you cannot return. The winner is whoever’s left at the end, and his prize is all the crazy dreams he’ll have after he passes out and his body keeps taking in the rest of the smoke in the air while he sleeps.

If you’re really competitive, stuff a candy bar or two in your pockets, and when things get down to the wire, start negotiating.

20 Dollar Taco Bell/40 Challenge:

I’ve got two versions of this for you to consider. The first is the classic one: take twenty dollars and spend it on items from the Taco Bell menu and 40 ounce bottles of malt liquor. Consume everything you’ve just purchased. Suffer.

I prefer the second version (when you’re doing it, not me). Buy two 40s, then spend your remaining money on Taco Bell. When you get home, you have one hour to eat everything from Taco Bell. After that, have someone tape the 40s to your hands Edward-40-Hands style. Now finish them before you shit yourself. Theoretically, the winner is the person who finishes first. Practically, the winner is anyone who manages to retain so much as a shred of dignity. Also, consider wearing a diaper.

That’s all I’ve got for today, but if you have any questions or manage to complete (or even fail to complete) any of these, leave a note in the comments or send me an email. Good luck to all of you, and may God have mercy on your livers, lungs, and bowels.

Alex’s Video Corner

This is the music video for True Faith by New Order. It was a product of the 80’s. Beyond that, I can offer no explanation for anything.