Life is a complicated thing, with more than its fair share of mishaps, extenuating circumstances, and several-weeks-long peyote binges. Due to these many mitigating factors, journalists and the news media can't be expected to deliver the news every day. I mean, this is news, not the Today show.

And, honestly, things don't happen a whole lot. I'm looking around my apartment right now and I can't see a single newsworthy thing happening. I'd say that things actually happen, on average, about 7 times a year.

Despite this, people are always clamoring for more news for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I think that it has a whole lot to do with George Clooney's performance in Good Night and Good Luck. People are more likely to take an interest in the events and trappings of the world around them if they would like to have sex with it.

As long as people are jonesing for news, some pusherman is going to be there to provide it. Let me be your shady man in a trenchcoat and catch you up on Yesterday's News.

Rats wipe out seabirds on Alaska island
For more than 200 years, rats have ruled “Rat Island,” an island 1700 miles from Anchorage, Alaska. Now scientists are set to wipe the island clean with an “assault” involving rat poison dropped onto the island from helicopters. The emperor of Rat Island, an otherwise wholly unremarkable rat named Arthur, had this to say: “Brothers, some may say that the end is nigh, but I refuse to bow my beady eyes in surrender. Rat Island is our Island. This is our home. When the humans come, we will fight them. We will fight them on the land, we will fight them in the sea, we will fight them in the small strip of sand that separates the land from the sea. We're going to live on! We're going to survive! When they land, it will not be a sad day. When they land, we will celebrate our Independence Day!” He then went back to licking feces from his fur.

Studies: Cyberbullying is on the rise
A new study has health experts warning that cyberbullying is on the rise. More evidence will follow in every fucking message board on the internet.

Evel Knievel, Kanye West settle lawsuit
Evel Knievel and Kanye West have settled Knievel's lawsuit like true gentlemen, if you can call a a man whose prime achievement in life is jumping over things on a motorcycle a “gentleman.” I prefer the term “Sparkly Fire God,” but you can't put Kanye West, Sparkly Fire God Settle Dispute without some asshole saying that you're just being sensationalist for the headlines.

NBC host Carson Daly to defy writers strike
Last Call with Carson Daly began taping new episodes earlier today, making it the first late-night talk show to cross the WGA's picket line. While many are calling this a betrayal of his writing colleagues, Daly is really just putting his clever plan into action. As soon as people are forced to actually watch his show, they will truly realize how important Hollywood's writers are.