Today, I thought I was doing my dog a favor, that favor being blowing her fuckin' mind, man. But when I held up a big mirror to her today, she reacted as if I told her (or anyone) that Mark McGuire admitted using steroids.

She was a stone cold bitch, and while I like that in women, I don't in dogs. 

If you were a dog and somebody held up a mirror to you, wouldn't that blow your little dog mind? What's wrong with my dog? Couldn't she have even pretended to freak the fuck out?

I expected my dog to suddenly start speaking English, going "what the fuck, man?!? What the fuck!" and jumping up and running out of the room wildly, adding a series of loud barks. I expected her to react the way the Japanese people did when we dropped the atomic bomb on them, screaming, running, and crying.

Hadn't I changed her life drastically? Hadn't I just made her self-aware? Now she was only 2 opposable thumbs away from being human!

But nothing happened. She looked at it like it was a horrible painting. She looked real bored and I think she may have even rolled her eyes. Maybe she was smart and she knew it was her in the mirror, but you couldn't tell by how she acted. She didn't say "shit, my ear hair is ALL messed up" or "is that a mole on my neck? I should get that checked out." She looked at the mirror for no more than two seconds and then looked away.

As I tried moving the mirror back and forth and waving my hand in front of it to push the point home, I realized something that blew MY fuckin' mind, man: she probably didn't want to look in that mirror. Looking in that mirror meant facing reality, meant looking deep down underneath the fur, uncovering a sad existence she had spent 49 dog years ignoring; chasing tennis balls and running carefree in the summer air, getting petted and rubbed at other's inconvenience, thinking the world revolves around her, chewing Beggin' Strips like they're frosted with cocaine while dogs starve to death in Africa, DON'T YOU HAVE A FUCKIN' CONSCIENCE, MADDY?! HOW DARE YOU SIT THERE AND SMILE YOUR LITTLE DOG SMILE AS YOU'RE BEING CALLED A GOOD DOG WHEN YOU KNOW VERY WELL YOU'RE A BAD DOG?!

Looking in the mirror meant facing the facts: she's unemployed, she goes around begging for food day after day, and she often licks her own vagina. If I was my dog, I wouldn't wanna look in that mirror either.

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