Front baby carrierI think those baby carriers women wear on their chest are super weird. Baby frontpacks if you will. It's like these women had some urge to be pregnant all over again, which I've never heard ANY woman request before. Going nose to nose with your baby while you attempt to walk like there's nothing in front of your face is just creepy. Your baby is creeped out too, trust me. Are you training your kid to win every staring contest later in life? Because that's the only time human beings ever look at each other at close range for that long and take some sort of pleasure in it. Most of us can't even look our partner in the eye for that long when we're having SEX with them. So if you're trying to seduce your baby, first of all that's even WEIRDER, but second of all, your baby can't wait to get in one of those backpacks. Doggystyle if you will.

Sometimes during the course of my day, I have to put things in alphabetical order on my computer, or find a file in a sea of alphabetized letters. And more often than not, no matter what letter I'm looking for, I end up singing the alphabet quietly in my head to figure out which letter comes first. This makes me feel almost certain I have a little bit of retard in me. But I have managed to pinpoint my problem areas: H through L, and U through Y.

I think instead of teaching kids the alphabet song, schools should quiz students on the relationship between letters more intensely. All kids have to go on these days is one list that they know in one order: start to finish. So if you need to know where a letter comes towards the end, you still have to either start all the way back at the beginning, or pick a place somewhere far enough back that you're sure you'll hit the problem area. It's like finding the exact verse you're looking for on a cassette tape. As you rewind, all you really have to go by is how much of the tape reel is on the left or the right. Then you have to just hit play and wait out the lyrics 'til you're at the right spot.

Have you ever seen yourself in a really old photo wearing a favorite piece of clothing you never realized you lost? I have a particularly bad habit of losing winter hats and not realizing it. I was looking through some old vacation photos the other day and there were several of me in this super sweet gray Puma hat that I bought in a trendy part of Istanbul and used to wear all the time. I got so mad at “suddenly” not having anymore that I decided to call up my favorite bar and see if they might still have it. They were like, "When did you leave it here?" and I couldn't bring myself to say "4 years ago" so I said, "Hmmm, it was at least a couple of weeks ago now…" Technically, I wasn't lying, but they didn't find it in the lost and found so I'm going to have to assume my favorite bar has GODDAMN THIEVES FOR EMPLOYEES.