“I only wager on things I know, like what happened yesterday.”
Aaaaaaaa—David Navarro
No time for an intro today (okay, so I'm just too drunk for an intro today. Whatever). Onto the picks.
Panthers (-2.5) over BEARS
I like what the Bears are doing this year. I like the offense. I like Kyle Orton. I like Lovie Smith. I even like the idea of Jim McMahon getting invited to a Super Bowl Party in Detroit this year, but I have to be realistic. Besides, the Panthers covered for me last week and the Bears did not, so screw ‘em. And by the way, when the Panther’s stadium lease is up, do you think that North and South Carolina will have a bidding war to see who gets the Panthers for the next term? And if so, do you think there’ll be bloodshed? A man can dream, right?
Jaguars (-4) over TITANS
I find this spread insulting to the good people of Jacksonville, their one professional team, the fine employees of Alltel, Chic Fil A and every bar on the St. Johns River as well as to the good men and women who fought and died so I could make this pick in the land of the free.
BENGALS (+5.5) over Colts
Do you think Peyton Manning and Carson Palmer ever get together and argue about who’s whiter?
PATRIOTS (-10) over Saints
If you put a gun to my head, this is what I would pick. If you put it down, walked away and bought me a beer, I would tell you not to touch this game with a ten foot pole dipped in Bird Flu Lemonade. Seriously, just stay away.
RAMS (-9) over Cardinals
After last week’s disgusting showing, Joe Vitt made the Rams drink Strychnine on Monday. Here’s hoping the ghost of Mike Martz doesn’t show up and call another fake field goal.
Buccaneers (+6) over FALCONS
Even Court Sullivan’s presence at this game can’t keep Chris Simms from handing off to Mike Alstott. Man, can Simms hand off or what?
REDSKINS (-5) over Raiders
Another game I wouldn’t touch with your hand. Put it this way, Oakland sucks and is guaranteed to lose this game; the Skins never win by more than three points (it seems). So what do you do here? You do nothing. Don’t bet, don’t wager, do not take the points. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m here to help.
COWBOYS (-7.5) over Lions
I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the Dallas Cowgirls for all their fine service over the years. They brought cheerleading to the forefront of America’s consciousness. Now, with the emergence of the Panther Cheerleading debacle, it’s safe to say the torch has been passed. The Cowgirls are the Bo Derek to the Panther Cheerleader’s Angelina Jolie. Thanks to all involved. I don’t know where we as a nation would be without you.
Eagles (+7) over GIANTS
Eli Manning does not win unless the game is close. It’s one of his rules. Think of his talent like you think of emergency rescue personnel. His talent is always available when the shit hits the fan. It’s just a matter of how much time he has to pull off the miracle.
BROWNS (-2) over Dolphins
Have you ever been to Cleveland in November? Ever been to Miami in November? Ever have someone pull you off a warm beach, slap you on a plane, and send you to work outside in Cleveland in November? Me neither. But you get the snow drift.
Seahawks (-11) over NINERS
I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that there’s a pretty good team in Seattle, that they have a decent defense and a seriously potent offense, and that Shaun Alexander will not be drunk in Frisco until at least the third quarter. He’s all about professionalism.
Bills (-9.5) over CHARGERS
Even typing that felt stupid. Just stay away. No one knows what’s going on with the Bills.
BRONCOS (-12.5) over Jets
Let’s just say you won’t hear anymore of that “Bollinger is a really talented quarterback” cow dung we were picking up for a while there. And somewhere, Vinny Testaverde’s wife is saying something along the lines of, “I’m just so glad to have him out of the house for a change.”
Steelers (-4) over RAVENS
This spread is an insult to Pittsburg, its professional football team, the Steel River Brewing Company, the smell of hot iron and Bill Cowher’s mustache.
Chiefs (-6.5) over TEXANS
It was my bet on the Texans that cost me my year of sports gambling. I’m picking against them every time.
PACKERS (-3.5) over Vikings
Lambeau field on a Monday night. Against a rivalry. In the cold. Favre on national television. Hmmm… Hmmm… Hmmm… Yeah, this is the way to go.
Last week: 6-8