I never thought I'd see the day when an Australian gave up the fight against our lethally-venomous, spined, poisonous, or just plain curmudgeonly bad-assed flora and fauna (as I write this, my niece is fending off a dingo with her broken baby formula bottle) but the Australian Government released a statement this week that our war against the Cane Toad is lost.
Prime Minister Kevin Rudd held an emergency address to the nation where he proclaimed that the Toad (introduced here with a few hundred animals in 1936 and now in their millions and poisoning/eating native wildlife faster than the cast of SURVIVOR: OUTBACK) had bred to such mind-boggling numbers that Australia was now in the midst of a Batracholypse (and a big "hi" to the three herpetologists who got that joke). Reporters were unable to ask him any further questions before his private jet was downed by what in slow motion replay looks like a giant, long sticky tongue.
And I for one welcome our Amphibian Overlords…
No wait—like hell I do! I'm an Australian, dang nabbit! We're never afraid of going against the status quo. Look at our kids, rejecting the chocolate-pawed overtures of that feral menace, the European rabbit, every Easter, and instead being visited by the Easter Bilby, which is basically a rabbit with pockets.
EASTER BILBIES: FUCK YOU, BUNNIES!
…Look at Sam Worthington bravely keeping his Australian accent through three quarters of AVATAR and most of CLASH OF THE TITANS!
…Look at the New Zealand government going against decades of world opinion, environmental impact assessments and plain common decency and considering a return to Whaling!
Therefore, I hereby present my own cunning plan for ridding this suburnt country of our warty warlords, with my…
CANE-TOAD CULLING: POLLYWOGICIDE FOR FUN AND PROFIT
- Secret ingredient in new McDonald's menu item, McFroggets.
- Have Stephenie Meyer write a new TWILIGHT book in which Edward Cullen states he can only ever truly love tweenage girls who have personally throttled the life out of a Cane Toad with their pale, bare hands.
- Think of Cane Toad tadpoles as just "really big sperm." Construct enormous condom for Australia's river systems.
- Tell Vatican that millions of Australians are having premarital, amphibious sex.
- Tell Vatican that the Cane Toads are the reincarnations of angry, sodomized altar boys out for revenge/hush money.
- Ship every last Cane Toad to soundstage in Hollywood for bogus production of MICHAEL BAY'S FROGGER: THE MOVIE.
- Birthers told Cane Toads were actually born in Kenya, are Socialists, and are organising baby/grandma death camps.
- POP! The microwave fun game.
- Oprah Winfrey show in which Cane Toads and native wildlife sit down on the couch and air their respective grievances. Oprah puts Cane Toad under seat of entire audience.
- Miss Piggy receives anonymous phone call that Kermit is cheating on her with Cane Toad. "Hiiiiiieeee-ya!"
- Keith Richards informed Cane Toad skin secretions are powerful hallucinogens; entire species huffed to death within six months.
- Kids: One in every million Cane Toads contains a Golden Ticket!
- Hold Charity Rock Concert, "TOAD AW-AID."
- Respond to all Cane Toads' Facebook posts with "Unlike" until they get the message.
- Newly patented bulletproof vests with 3:1 Cane Toad-Kevlar ratio.
- Have "Kayne Toad" interrupt Taylor Swift during awards ceremony.
- New promotion at all Australian airports: "All tourists get to take home a free Cane Toad!"
- Invite Angelina Jolie/Madonna to Australia, disguise Cane Toads as orphaned babies.
- Abandon continent to toads, move next door to New Zealand.
- Introduce vicious, highly poisonous, quick-breeding predator from overseas to eat Cane Toads—cross fingers it works this time.